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Honeysbighammer Asked May 2023

I'm taking care of my 91 year old mother and my 60 year old handicapped brother. He's very verbally abusive, any advice on how to handle him?

He's always threatening to kill my mother in her sleep he threatens my 8-year-old boy he's always talking suicide which I don't believe he will do any of it but you never know I do not know what to do or how to handle it I am 63 years old not in good health myself and I am very protective over my mother and my 8-year-old son do not know how to handle the situation any advice he is very very depressed he refuses to go to his doctor to get his medications do not know how to handle him

Way2tired May 2023
Get a restraining order like burnt says or call 911 to say he’s threatening to harm one of you or himself .
Don’t worry about the fact that your brother may be in a wheelchair in jail. They have nurses in jails too .

NeedHelpWithMom May 2023
Mom needs to be placed in a facility. No one should be living in fear. Please look into placement in a group home or facility for your brother too.

What an awful situation! I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this nightmare.

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Grandma1954 May 2023
Next time he is violent or threatens violence or suicide call 911.
Tell the dispatcher that you are afraid for your safety, your mothers safety or that your brother is threatening self harm. Ask for him to be transported to the hospital.
DO not allow him to be discharged to home as it is unsafe for your mom. And for you as a caregiver.
If your mother needs 24/7 care the time is now to get her placed in a facility that will be able to care for her in a safe manner.
Is your brother competent?
Who is POA for mom?
You may have to talk to an Elder Care Attorney (or possibly the attorney that handled the adoption for you)
BurntCaregiver May 2023
Exactly right, Grandma. They need a restraining order. If the guy is already in the hospital when they petition for one they will place him somewhere.
BurntCaregiver May 2023
Your profile says that you and your grandson do not live with your mother. That's good you don't have yourself and an 8 year old living with your mother and brother.
Go to the police and ask them how you can petition for a restraining order against your brother. Tell the cops he is threatening to harm an 8 year old child, along with you and your 91 year old mother. Threats against children and the elderly are taken seriously. The police will probably have a special vicitms advocate talk to you when they take your statement. Then they will send you over to the courthouse to make the petition and you'll get the order. He will not "retaliate" because the police will explain to him that if he does it will mean a jail cell. There will be extra charges because an elder and a child are involved. He will also have to vacate the house if he lives with your mother.
That is not your problem or hers. Let him go to a homeless shelter or sleep under a bridge.
Please talk to the cops today. Your brother may just be making drama or trying to get attention, but he may not be. Either way he needs to learn that there will be consequences for making threats.
bundleofjoy May 2023
just want to add, OP:
people can and do retaliate in all sorts of subtle ways (now and years later), not necessarily provable to the police.

OP, i suggest you say you had nothing to do with calling the police/doctor, it was a neighbour, you don’t know who.
bundleofjoy May 2023
as you know very well, you can always call the police/ambulance if someone is a danger to themselves or others.

but something is stopping you from doing that, otherwise you would have done that already.

there aren't many options when a person makes threats. you can do nothing and keep worrying. or call the police, or a doctor to visit at home. if you're worried about your brother retaliating, you can tell him it wasn't you who called, it was a neighbour.

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