Although I do everything possible, my wife is often mad at me and seems to continually add to my list of activities. I am about tapped out. Any advice?

Curt, first I want to say how sorry I am. It is hard enough to be a caregiver without it becoming a battleground for all of your past marital struggles with nowhere for either of you to go. And for both of you to feel like you are stuck in a vicious cycle with no way out.

A perspective that perhaps you don't want to consider - I'm assuming that you realize that she is resentful - not just about the stroke, but about the fact that you have become her caregiver. And that she is now completely dependent on you for all of her needs. She clearly has an issue with what she feels is you "getting your way" and now she probably feels like you have total control over everything she does (whether you do or not is immaterial, since she is dependent on you, she may feel like she has had to yield her power to you. )

Her outbursts are uncalled for. I don't think anyone is denying that. But I think there is definitely an underlying cause for it. Whether it is all about the stroke, or the issues that she already had around her place in the marriage prior, or her place now. My guess is that she is a lot like my FIL. She is miserable and unhappy, and she wants everyone around her to be there with her. I'm also guessing there is a good deal of self-pity, anger and frustration with her situation. And also with the fact that she can't do anything to change her circumstances.

Perhaps - you can approach it like you would a small child who is attempting to test boundaries and define their boundaries (without being condescending and treating her like a child of course). When our children are small and they want more freedom - we give them options that we are ok with - some parameters that still give them a successful outcome - but let them feel like THEY made the decision instead of us. An example of that would be that we might give them a choice of 2 or 3 outfits for the day - instead of telling them what they will wear that day. Of course that's not exactly the example I mean for your wife. But what I mean is to meet her in the middle or even let her lead sometimes - even when it takes longer or doesn't fit the box so to speak.

If you are trying to do everything she wants and needs - maybe stop. Don't be so available. Put things where she can get to them. Let her do things for herself where it is feasible. Help her to help herself be more independent. Find her autonomy again. Feel more involved and self-directed. Give her more freedom. Give her more options. Let her mess up. If you see her doing something that you know will go wrong - but she insists on doing it- you said yourself that she is cognitively sound. That means she gets to make her own choices - no matter how much you want to protect her. So let her. Let her realize her actions have consequences. And yes, she'll probably be mad, and yes...it will be at you. BUT, that spark will be there. She will be doing something for herself. That she chose. Instead of doing what she is told is best for her. She will be doing it her way.

She needs to still be herself. With her own flaws. And make stupid mistakes. And do things wrong. And make messes. And screw up. And do things her way. Right or wrong. And if she yells at you - you have every right to walk away. Make sure she is safe and walk away. She has a right to be angry, she has a right to her opinion. But she doesn't have a right to be verbally, emotionally or mentally abusive.

Give her that space to sulk if she needs to. And give yourself the space to breathe.

Curt,

I saw your response to a poster saying that your wife reminds you of your past mistakes from 20 plus years ago.

Wow, Ouch! That has to hurt. Has she always done this?

I don’t understand why people bring up ancient incidents instead of facing the issue at hand. It’s a manipulative tactic. They are avoiding talking about the current issue.

I’m sorry that you are going through this with your wife. You’re in a tough spot.

Curt,

You are facing the impossible trying to keep the house running and take care of her. My best advice is to hire some caregiving help as much as you can manage. Most caregivers do light housework also. You can always decrease the hours later as needed.

Her primary care doctor may have a social worker on staff that can connect you to some reliable agencies.

She may not improve or if she does it may take a very long time. Has she had any therapies in your home?

Take care of yourself because this is incredibly hard. Is there any family that could offer help until you set up the arrangements?

Thank you and bless you for being such a loving husband.

"...I really don't want to take meds but may resort to that in time..." I believe that Beatty was suggesting talking to her doctor about meds *for her* anxiety.

I agree that your wife may be experiencing the known mood disorders that often happen after a stroke. I think she needs to see a counselor or join a support group for survivors of stroke.

I can understand why you feel nitpicked by her. She does need to accept that this is her problem to fix - you are doing everything possible to aid in her recovery - and her nitpicking is not good for either of you.

Anything that she can do for herself, or to help you with chores, she should start doing. It's therapeutic. It will build her self-confidence.

Maybe you should tell her calmly and nicely that when you ask a person to do something for you, you allow them to do it their way. If you are always criticizing, they will stop doing for you.

Tell her too, that you are entitled to have time to yourself. And too, make her do what she can do for herself. Otherwise ur disabling her. It may take her longer but she needs to do for herself.

Stroke is a brain injury. It can bring problems to many areas, mobility & speech are the ones easy to see & hear. But 'hidden' problems are just as hard, behaviour problems or mood issues even harder in my opinion.

Have there been big changes, big losses in your wife's abilities? It's such a big adjustment - for you both.

I'm wondering about her anger & anxiety?

I'm picturing her previously going about her day, attending to her daily houshold tasks, her way. Completing them with her own standards & methods.

It seems now she must rely on you to do ALL the tasks?

But she didn't choose this - so has not 'let go'. Is holding firm to her pre-stroke life.

I wonder if she is just so angry about it all? Angry about the stroke. Angry she has lost independance. Angry she has lost her role, her 'usefulness'. It gets directed at you.

Then anxiety. Tasks won't be done HER way, won't be done 'right'.

The endless list to do.
Her way. *Micro Managing* they call it. Looks like a coping mechanism for her, attempting to maintain control, to reduce her anxiety. Many anxious people are this way.

What to do about it before this behaviour sends you mad?

1. Talk to the Doctor.
There are medications to help with anxiety.

2. Find tasks she can do independantly. (Even if you set them up). Calmly reinforce who does what. These are YOUR tasks Dear & these are MINE. You do your tasks your way. No discussion.

3. Consider coucelling? If this would help your wife with anger, anxiety. To help with adjustment. Or for yourself for more support?

4. Respite. Definitely look into this. Either regular in-home sitters (if she cannot be left alone) while you go out. Or week blocks where you fo visit friends.

I had relatives that *micro manage* like this, endless lists handed to all in view. Anxious +++ It is exhausting.

I hope others have more tips for you.

My husband does all the caregiving for me currently and I'd never criticize him at all. He surely isn't perfect and is a terrible housekeeper, but I'm so grateful to him for stepping up to the big task at hand w/o complaining. My point is this.....I didn't have a stroke and am not cognitively impaired in any way. Can you say the same about your wife? Is she aware that she's causing you such upset, meaning she's aggravating you purposely? That's the question here bc often with a stroke comes cognitive impairment and unusual behaviors that are difficult to deal with. After my mother's stroke, her dementia got much worse as did her argumentativeness and complaining about every little thing.

In any event, I'd lay it all out on the table for your wife. This is what I'll do, this is how I'll do it, take it or leave it. I'm not God or Superman but a mortal man doing my level best for a woman who's cutting me down 24/7. And I'm DONE. You either say Thank You in a civilized fashion and quit the litany of chronic complaining or I'll start looking for a nice AL for you immediately. Or in home caregivers to relieve me of this indentured servitude I've taken on. Which you should do anyway. Get out of the chaos for a few hours a day every day. Make it happen. No excuses. Or you'll wind up more depressed than you already sound (wanting to sleep a lot). Speak to your PCP about that, my friend. You have a lot of stress on your shoulders.

Dementia or not, lay down your boundaries firmly and I'll betcha $100 she'll hear what you're saying. You deserve to be treated with respect for all you're doing. Accept nothing less.

I was thinking some more about how my sister got her act together after her devastating stroke (in hospital 3 months). As soon as she could sit up, she started to teach herself to type left handed. If your wife can do that, it opens up lots of things for her to do.

One less relevant thing was how Mary coped when a head lice problem hit her boys’ primary school. They both got number 1 hair cuts (even though the look wasn’t popular then). There are ways and ways to overcome a lot of problems!

Ask your wife what she would like to work on doing for herself, and then get her started practising. There might be some useful home PT available.

A few things…what I know now that I didn’t know then is that following a stroke there is often depression, may be it’s not obvious, but it’s surprisingly common and needs treatment. Look into that for your wife it’s it’s not already being addressed, and if it is, check in with her doctor to see if perhaps meds need adjusting. Clearly, her agitation needs calming somehow. Another thing, just read that about 60% of stroke patients experience some mental decline in the months to years following the stroke. Consider if that’s a possibility and driving some of the behaviors. And a biggie, decide how many of these tasks simply don’t matter! Let her know there are tasks that may not get done or done nearly as often, that it’s okay, and you’re not up for listening to any further comment about it. That’s not rude, it’s self preservation. There is more to life than many of the tasks we all once thought so vital every day. Yes, take those breaks, without apology or explanation. Look into taking your wife to a local senior center for whatever suitable programs they offer, she may not want to try it, but may surprise herself and actually enjoy something different. You need time doing separate activities or at least in different spaces. I wish you both peace

How about marital counseling? If her brain as well as her body has been adversely affected by the stroke, she is literally a different person, and maybe a counselor could help her understand better ways to deal with the change in personality. You may need that too.

There are no easy fixes. And also, if you’re being abused, you don’t have to stay. But if you’re blowing up at her and refusing to talk to her as punishment, she’s also being abused. She doesn’t need to stay, either.

May I ask a few questions?

Is her cognition impacted by the stoke? Or was she more impacted physically? Because the reality is that a lot depends on the answer to that. And also, what was she like BEFORE the stroke?

If her cognition was severely impacted - she may not even really realize or understand what she is doing, it may just be result of the stroke and what it did to her mind. If that is the case it might be helpful for you to find a support group for spouses caring for loved ones with memory loss or cognitive or capacity illnesses like ALZ or dementia or post-stroke memory loss or something similar - to find support in others who are going through the same or similar situations. It might help to talk to others who understand, and give you a chance to decompress. You are living in a volatile situation - according to your profile you are still working in law enforcement? And you are caregiving in a situation that could be considered provocative - so you are probably not feeling like home is a "safe space" to relax and rest and take a break from your job. From the frying pan into the fire so to speak.

If her cognition was not impacted - consider this. If you are providing her care - there is obviously a reason. She is dependent on you. Where 14 months ago - you were sharing the load. I would imagine - that maybe she expresses dealing with all of this in anger. And maybe she is baiting or provoking you on purpose. At least to some extent. There is a whole school of thought that sometimes when people have something terrible happen to them that they just want to feel strong emotions again, they just want to feel *something* again - and sometimes they go about it in all of the wrong ways. And unfortunately when people have something really terrible happen to them - they usually take that anger and frustration out on the people closest to them, because they know they can trust them to be there and still love them. And unfortunately they don't consider the amount of pressure that puts on the other person.

If her mental capacity is not impacted and you think she is well aware of what is happening - has she seen a therapist or talked to anyone - besides you - about what happened? People often don't really consider the mental load of something like this - and not just for her. For you as well. This changed your entire lives. Your futures. That isn't something that you just shrug your shoulders and say "Meh, whatever". People tend to bottle up emotions and they come out in other ways that aren't so controlled or pretty.

So in my infinite wisdom ( that's a total joke by the way) I encourage you, as others have, to find some time for yourself. And to find individual therapy for both of you. If things were good before the stroke, is there a favorite place the two of you used to spend time that you could take her to for a visit (if physically feasible and it wouldn't make things worse to bring up memories). Has she seen her friends since? Have you seen friends that you used to spend time with together? Or did everything just stop when it happened?

Have you looked into some respite or home health care to give yourself a break? Even just a housekeeper to take the load off in that aspect? Cut yourself some slack. You can't and shouldn't have to do everything.

You can't continue to take care of her if you don't take care of yourself.

I was going to make the same suggestion as Margaret. She wisely advised you to take a break.

Hopefully, a break will allow you to see things from a fresh perspective.

Wishing you peace as you continue on with your caregiving journey.

Hi, OP. Your wife has no experience of anyone except you caring for her since the stroke.

One practical option would be for you to organise a couple of week’s respite care for her. The respite is for you (and I’m sure you could do with it), but the other aspect is to have your wife experience what sort of care would be ‘normal’ for someone with her issues. You can both see how she behaves to other carers, and the results. It might do you both good!

My older sister had a VERY (not fairly) serious stroke in her late 20s. She refused to be put into a 'sheltered workshop', recovered to care for her two young sons, organise running the house, finish qualifying as an accountant, set up her own auditing business, do the financial management for her husband’s engineering business, make a lot of money for them, and be polite and friendly – in spite of aphasia and being totally paralysed on one side. Now aged 79. My sympathy for your wife’s behavior is a bit limited. You don’t want another 20 years like this!

Get yourself a holiday or a work placement, and let her get a bit more experience of coping for herself and her temper.