I can't cope anymore, when mum goes into respite, can I refuse to take her back?

Please don't suffocate.

Take breaths until you feel calmer. This IS solveable.

Can you arrange a discussion with Mum's primary Doctor?
I'd start there.

Either take Mum with you (if you can), arrange a telehealth call or go on your own when a carer/sitter is with Mum.

Do you have medical POA to discuss Mum's care?

If not, you can still go & discuss YOU. Discuss your stress levels, & ask for advice for your situation.

Keep it simple. Mum needs a lot of care now. I can provide some, but not all. I have aides too but I'm way too stressed. I need to take the next steps.

The Doctor can do or arrange a 'Needs Assessment'. (Called an aged care assessment where I live). This will identify the type of care facility needed. From assisted living, nursing home, memory care. This depends on what is affordable & available where you live of course.

Where I live, the next step - all the research & legwork, may be done by family or POA. Or by getting a referral to a licenced Social Worker to recommend a short list. Or even paying a private care service to do it all for you.

Getting overwhelmed can happen. The first step is working out what you want.

Many people are conflicted & say "I can't go on" but also say "I must keep on".

I've found when I spoke matter of fact, stated I could NOT keep on.. alternatives started to appear. I hope by reaching out you will find a new pathway.

I placed my mom permanently after a respite stay, I knew it was time when I began to dread the thought of her coming home. Whether this is possible for you is going to depend on how supportive your care system is, I had a very supportive case manager who leapt in to help when I told her I couldn't do it any more (I never dreamed it was possible to jump the queue like that!). But in my opinion once she's there it may be more difficult for them to try and force her to leave than it would be to accept her permanently, stay strong!

To get best advice, we need to know what country you live in. This is a global forum. I'm so sorry you and your Mom and family are going through this. This forum is your new sorority of those who are in the same situation, and many others who have "been there, done that". May you find answers, solutions, rest and peace in your heart that you've done your best.

Look seriously into getting her placed into the proper permanent facility that is manageable for all of you. It sounds as though you might not be in the US which possibly has other guidelines most of us are not familiar with.

She likely will not like this idea but hopefully might eventually adjust. You and your family dealing with this has reached a stage where this is very difficult for you on a daily basis. You have hopefully many years ahead of you that should be lived with a sense of order and the ability to function without such duress.

Her removal from your home is the only viable recourse. You can visit her. It may feel like a very tough decision certainly at first but ask yourselves do you want your lives to have quality to them and to be able to function as the adults at the ages you are and have a sense of a positive future.