Anyone experience this?

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J

Justperforming Asked May 2023

Anyone experience this?

Disabled, bed bound husband. Being cared at home by me full time. Veteran's affairs pays me to care for him. Contract says his caregivers can give notice that caregiving will stop on a given date. Husband is a very selfish narcissist and only thinks of himself. After 1 1/2 years, I am done caring for this man. I have notified the VA that 7/1/23 I will no longer care for him. There is no one else available to care for him at home full time. His only choice is to agree to be placed in a VA nursing home. BUT, because he is cognitive, he cannot be forced to go into a nursing home. He has said NO to the nursing home. That leaves him home alone with no care. He is not able to do anything for himself except feed himself and handle his urinal.

Per the VA Social worker,. If he sadly decides to stay home, I am free to stop caregiving on July 1, and he will have to suffer the consequences of being there alone. I am going to be sure I would not be held accountable for abandoning him.

Burnout Care Decisions Disabled Veterans Benefits

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score 1 · Answer 1

I assume the VA will then set up visiting services and pay them instead, yes? If he won't agree to that then yes he will be on his own. His choice. Very hard on you x

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score 1 · Answer 2

If he has money, and if you’re willing, then help organize in-home caregivers before you leave…because despite everything, there was a time you were madly in love with him and decided to marry him.

You have helped him a lot, caregiving the past years. It’s unusual for a spouse to be paid, so you did gain financially despite the caregiving hardship. Maybe you even continued, because you were gaining financially and now you feel you’ve accumulated enough money.

If he has money, organize a caregiving agency to come by. He can fire them, but you’ll have done the right thing before closing the door on a man you once loved.

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score 1 · Answer 3

I’m wondering if there is a way to give your husband a better idea of his options. Talk to the VA Social Worker, and see if you can agree a ‘trial’, say two weeks. You do no care, and he suffers the consequences. You have it in writing that he has been requested to go to a VA NH where he will receive good care. At the end of the trial he is given the option again. If he refuses again, this should be bullet proof protection for you against any allegations of ‘abandonment’, and may give the result you want.

It’s probably too late for a ‘softer’ method, of offering to continue his care if his behavior changes, but it is an option you could consider.

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score 3 · Answer 4

If you have reached the point of not wanting to care for him, you should leave.

Best wishes to you.

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score 2 · Answer 5

Have the conversation regarding his care with his Doctor. Request a dementia screening test, via phone or housecall if bedbound. Yes he may know his name, DOB, where he lives but what about insight into his situation? Judgement? Processing information & planning?

My LO (after stroke) can answer simple memory type questions but lacks ability to plan forward. When refusing aides was asked how would they cope at home, alone? Blank stare. Unable to comprehend the consequences. Doctor said they can make medical decisions for themself, but not lifestyle.

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score 4 · Answer 6

So glad you have an out, and the end is near.

Your husband can refuse, it's his right. It's not his right to make you his caregiving slave. Let the chips fall where they may.

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Anyone experience this?

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