I am sole caretaker for my wife, age 88, who has multiple health problems. Should I feel selfish?

Please don't hesitate to place your dear wife in an appropriate facility... when you have been carrying the caregiving burden a long time you may not realize how much it has weighed you down until it is lifted.

I would say at age 90 with excellent plans in place to keep yourself active physically and mentally that you are absolutely right to consider memory care for your wife. You can still visit often, but will keep yourself healthy, which is what she needs most. At least look into respite for the times you are gone for long periods of time and a day care facility for when you play tennis.

Nothing selfish about wanting to put her in MC, you can return to being her husband not her caregiver.

Take your life back, know that she will be safe. You can visit her as much as you like,

I wish you the very best and know that you will be making the right decision for the both of you.

It really shouldn't matter what a bunch of anonymous strangers think of you. Frankly, it shouldn't matter what people who KNOW you think of you.

What matters is what you think of yourself.

If you were to be honest, if your wife were not riddled with dementia and you asked HER this question, what would HER answer be?

I can tell you unequivocally that, were my husband in your position with me being so ill, where because of physical ailments I was shackled into my home, and because of my mental ailments he was shackled to me, to the point where he had to give up everything he loved and everything that made him HIM, the man that I love more than anyone, I would tell him the situation had become untenable in the long term; that it was time he placed me somewhere I was safe and cared for, and went back to being the man I fell in love with, and not a slave to my increasing, never ending needs. I would expect there would be a fair amount of guilt; but I would hope that he would come to realize that it is the best solution to a situation in which there are no GOOD solutions. Sometimes that's all that fate leaves us with, and it's a waste of energy to rail against the way the dice fall.

I hope you can come up with a solution that gives you some measure of comfort and peace.

You are not selfish to place your wife in memory care to get your life back. Then visit her as your husband, not a carrgiver.

Absolutely not. You need a life too and your wife would have good care in a MC.

My dad was you, and my mother was your wife. My dad cared for her lovingly for years and would never have considered a nursing home for her, but he also lamented to me that "my world has gotten so small."

He was also fit and healthy (but a terrible tennis player), but he ended up dying first.

We never know what's in store for us, especially at 90, so if I was you, I'd be considering MC for your wife solely because you're looking ahead to the time when you might possibly not be able to care for her. The worst thing in the world was my mother losing her husband of 66 years, burying him, and having to move from her home of 50+ years to a nursing home all in the span of two weeks. I had to do it as I couldn't care for her in my home, and it broke her brain the rest of the way and broke my heart. I did it with my dad's blessing, because he didn't want what happened to him to happen to me.

What I want to know is how you play tennis 3x a week at age 90? 😎

You've gotten some pretty good answers to your question about "feeling selfish", so I'll leave that one alone.

My wife is only 68 and I'm her sole caregiver. I traded in my shop drill press and welder for a vacuum cleaner and stove, this has been the case for nearly 5 years post stroke. From my observation, the more I do for her the less she wants to do for herself. To the point of doing every aspect of her life for her. I try to back off and she starves to death next to a refrigerator full of food without taking her meds, which caused the stroke in the first place.
I feel I've taken away parts of her live that affect her desire to function. I see the day coming to avoid the damage I'm causing getting professional help might be wise. This is defiantly uncharted territory for us.
So no, you should go into it feeling your doing it for your wife's best interest. I don't know about you but I sometimes feel my health going sideways simply by focusing always on her needs. At 90, if you go down, what happens to her if she's not already being taking care of?

You have to stay active physically and mentally. Find good care for your wife and enjoy what time you have left. There is no trophy at the end for sacrificing yourself and no matter what you do, it won't change her situation. Enlist families help in finding your wife the right memory care facility.