My MIL is 97 yr.'s old and lives with us. She has no will. She literally has her social security check. That's it except her dog and clothes. Has 1 child.
My husband has all her durable poa, medical, finances. Her burial is paid for. She has nothing. Advice please. Thanks
Without a will, I believe everything will go to that one child. Therefore, a will is not needed.
I think you need to talk to her doctor. A friend of mine was living independently and somehow, the doctor was able to get her a bed in Memory Care. However, she did have a bit of money, so she was not on Medicaid (She might have gone to Balfour.)
How about talking to your doctor? Maybe he has resources available to him.
How about looking outside of your area? Maybe there is a Medicaid room available in a different county. I know of a couple who placed their Mom 90 miles away until a bed came available closer. It might be difficult to see her, on the other hand, she would be out of your house.
I'm not sure that I know of any section 8 housing that would allow a pet without substantial fee. Have you tried to use the services of a referral agency?
I don't know which town in Colorado you live in. Would you be willing to move into a duplex or a patio home where your MIL can have her own space, however, you have a physical wall between you?
Fed up …. Ok. So I just saw you replied to another and stated that you said MIL can’t do independent living . So definitely don’t take her home from the hospital when she lands in there. Since you are having trouble from whatever social worker you are dealing with , can you try an elder care attorney . ask if the attorney has ideas ? Or can you get your MIL to the doctor , tell the doctor ahead of time what’s going on ? Maybe the doctor can say she needs to be placed because she can’t be alone ?
Joann is right. Do not take MIL home from the hospital next time. They will keep her until they find a bed somewhere else. Every time you take her home they think problem solved .
You and your husband matter. This is destroying your marriage and health . It should not be this hard , but it is .
We are expected to lose minds , marriages and health . We have no choice sometimes but to bring them to the ER and say you are done and walk away. Give up POA , let the state take over .
So, your husbands POA does not become effective until MIL is found incompetent by one or more doctors? So as long as considered competent not much u can do?
If evicting her has been suggested by a SW then start the process. COVID is pretty much here to stay. I think the mandate concerning not being able to evict someone is over.
Then, as said, if she winds up in the hospital, refuse to take her back to your house and refuse to care for her. At that point, ur husband can revoke his POA and allow the State to take over. Once you tell them you will not care for her, do not be available by phone or answer the door. There is no law saying u have to take care of her physically or financially. And ur not abandoning her because u left her in the hands of a Social Worker at a Hospital. Believe me, that bed will be found and Medicaid monies found to pay for it.
See if you have HUD subsidized apts in ur area. If so, sign her up. HUD requires 30% of her SS for rent. Heat is included. At our local one, electric is set at a certain amt that the renter pays. With all the streaming channels, all u need is a smart TV. A good antenna will get u the basic channels. If she is low income on Medicaid, she can get a free phone with a certain amt of minutes a month. She can get meals on wheels. There are food banks everywhere. Food closets.
What I would do is apply for that apartment. When its available, take it and furnish it sparsely . She won't need much. Have someone take her out of your home, then take her belongings to the apt and make sure she has food. Have the person bring her to the apt. Take her to the apt, tell her that she has everything she needs and this is her new home. When she starts to scream and holler, tell her this is what happens to parents who don't respect their children and their property. The dog should be allowed but she has to be able to care for it. If she can't u will need to find it a new home. Another consequence for her because she did not follow the rules. Act like a child, you get treated like one.
Fedup . You are in a terrible position. We are here for you. Many of us have been in similar situations. We literally feel your frustrations in your words and are frustrated along with you. Sorry you are going through this.
Dear FedUp, I understand your lack of familiarity with this forum. Most of us are kind, compassionate and helpful in their own way. You may even become familiar with many of us, and our unique experiences, situations, and approaches. Please don’t give up in frustration.
You described your situation in someone else’s thread and asked how to get your mother in law out of your house, and into a facility . I wrote a very lengthy answer to you. Did you read it ?
You said your mother in law is mobile and can do everything for herself . But cusses all day and won’t go by your house rules . You also said the social workers side with her . The social workers can not force her into a facility if she is able to take care of herself . Independent living is private pay , which seems like she can’t afford . Assisted living in some states Medicaid will pay for but if your mother in law is able to take care of herself and does not need assistance then Medicaid won’t pay. Long term care (SNF) can be payed by Medicaid , but mother in law would need a medical reason and be in need of care to be placed there . If you think mother in law has dementia bring her to the doctor. Tell her it’s just a physical that Medicare requires to get her to go . Let the doctor know ahead of time the issues. If she has dementia and it’s far enough along that she can not be left alone ( meaning she needs 24/7 supervision ) then a social worker can place her in a facility that takes Medicaid . You could try calling your local Dept of aging ( this is not APS ) to get a needs assessment done to see if she needs help with daily living . You can also go to an elder care lawyer for a consultation . You may be stuck with this woman though until her cognitive status gets worse or she falls or ends up in the hospital some other way . Then when she is in the hospital you can get her tested for dementia again . It may take some time until her cognitive status is such that she can not be alone safely . Then when her cognitive status is worse and she is in the hospital you say you can not take care of her , you work , and she can’t be alone in the house , it would be an “ unsafe discharge “. Or if she ends up in the hospital from a fall or something and she can’t walk then you say you can’t take care of her , have the social worker place her in a facility . If she doesn’t end up in the hospital but you notice her cognitive status getting worse you take her back to the doctor or have the social worker from dept of aging come back again until it’s finally said that she needs 24/7 supervision . Then you say you work and she can’t be alone in the house , they need to place her somewhere on Medicaid .
If she can still take care of herself , and is competent , maybe there are subsidized senior apartments near you for people who only have social security and no other funds. If she refuses , have a lawyer evict her from your home if possible . However those senior apartments typically have a wait list and if your mother in law refuses to sign to get on the wait list , that is problematic .
Unfortunately you may be stuck with her until something bad happens like a fall . Welcome to the “ waiting until they fall club”. You are not alone .
Yes, I read your post. Thank you..She has more rights than we do. She has medicaid. She refuses to leave our home. She has been her almost 4 years. She tells us we can have all the rules we want, but she will do what she wants...the advice we need is how to get her to move out of our home. She is a narcissist. Very strong will. She has blood clots in her leg, but refuses ant and all medication. She promised the Dr to take medication just to get him off her back. I has open heart surgery, plus husband and I separated for a few months. We don't see a solution to any of this. Stress level has gone over the top. Social worker says no medicaid beds available through the pace program in our area. If her dog can't go, she won't go. We have lost total hope of moving her out. I had no idea one person could cause such disruptions in our life. Any solutions anyone can come up with? My husband has colon cancer two years ago and doing fine now. His relationship with his mom is mostly deep, bad feelings left over from abuse in childhood. I'm so thankful to any and all suggestions. I am 73 and hubby is 79. We feel desperate in Colorado. Thank you.
If you’re “fed up” with her living in your home, she can move to a nursing home paid for by Medicaid and be cared for in that setting. My mother spent four years in a nursing home, going from private pay using a long term care insurance policy to Medicaid when the policy ran out. Her care never changed no matter how it was paid, she remained in the same room, same bed throughout. The very wise business manager of the nursing home was able to walk our family through the Medicaid application process without cost or issue. If you don’t want her to move, please give more information on your concern
She refuses to go. She can't do independent living. Yesterday she was trying to open a coke bottle with a sharp knife. We are retired and home, but can't be here 24/7. SW does not think she has issues. She has dementia.
Advice about what exactly? If you are looking for nursing home (Skilled nursing facility, SNF) placement for her, she would surely be financially eligible for Medicaid. She would also have to be assessed to see if she meets Medicaid's medical qualifications. Many states offer some in-home assistance funded by Medicaid, and some states cover placement in assisted living facilities for people who do not require the level of medical care of a nursing home. Your first step should be to check with your state's Medicaid program and/or the agency on aging for your area. From your screen name, it looks like might be in Colorado.
Fedup - what would you like advice about? You say she lives with you - I am assuming you and your DH are her caregivers. Are you interested in her moving to live in a care facility? If she still has capacity - a will could still be drawn up. But if she only has her son and no living spouse - in most cases whatever she has goes to your DH anyway, after everything is said and done (any debt is paid etc). Her social security of course would not - it would just stop. Her burial would be taken care of. If there is a life insurance policy beyond that - I would assume your DH would be the beneficiary.
If she still has capacity I am assuming that even though your DH "has" her POA, that it is not currently invoked, meaning that he cannot make the decisions for her.
If you could give us some details as to what you would like advice for, that would help us tailor our responses.
We want her in a nursing home, but she refuses to go. She won't go to assisted living. She has medicaid. She won't go to day programs. She won't co-operate in any way. She can still make her own decisions. We can't put her anywhere without her permission. Forgive me, I don't know how to manuver this site. I need help. I'm sorry I don't know how. Give me some time. I will get the hang of it.
While we can all make assumptions based on our own experiences, you don’t say what the problem is for you in this situation that your looking for advice on.
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I think you need to talk to her doctor. A friend of mine was living independently and somehow, the doctor was able to get her a bed in Memory Care. However, she did have a bit of money, so she was not on Medicaid (She might have gone to Balfour.)
How about talking to your doctor? Maybe he has resources available to him.
How about looking outside of your area? Maybe there is a Medicaid room available in a different county. I know of a couple who placed their Mom 90 miles away until a bed came available closer. It might be difficult to see her, on the other hand, she would be out of your house.
I'm not sure that I know of any section 8 housing that would allow a pet without substantial fee. Have you tried to use the services of a referral agency?
I don't know which town in Colorado you live in. Would you be willing to move into a duplex or a patio home where your MIL can have her own space, however, you have a physical wall between you?
Just random thoughts....
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Since you are having trouble from whatever social worker you are dealing with , can you try an elder care attorney .
ask if the attorney has ideas ? Or can you get your MIL to the doctor , tell the doctor ahead of time what’s going on ? Maybe the doctor can say she needs to be placed because she can’t be alone ?
To repeat someone else's question, have you seen an Elder Law attorney?
You and your husband matter. This is destroying your marriage and health .
It should not be this hard , but it is .
We are expected to lose minds , marriages and health . We have no choice sometimes but to bring them to the ER and say you are done and walk away. Give up POA , let the state take over .
If evicting her has been suggested by a SW then start the process. COVID is pretty much here to stay. I think the mandate concerning not being able to evict someone is over.
Then, as said, if she winds up in the hospital, refuse to take her back to your house and refuse to care for her. At that point, ur husband can revoke his POA and allow the State to take over. Once you tell them you will not care for her, do not be available by phone or answer the door. There is no law saying u have to take care of her physically or financially. And ur not abandoning her because u left her in the hands of a Social Worker at a Hospital. Believe me, that bed will be found and Medicaid monies found to pay for it.
See if you have HUD subsidized apts in ur area. If so, sign her up. HUD requires 30% of her SS for rent. Heat is included. At our local one, electric is set at a certain amt that the renter pays. With all the streaming channels, all u need is a smart TV. A good antenna will get u the basic channels. If she is low income on Medicaid, she can get a free phone with a certain amt of minutes a month. She can get meals on wheels. There are food banks everywhere. Food closets.
What I would do is apply for that apartment. When its available, take it and furnish it sparsely . She won't need much. Have someone take her out of your home, then take her belongings to the apt and make sure she has food. Have the person bring her to the apt. Take her to the apt, tell her that she has everything she needs and this is her new home. When she starts to scream and holler, tell her this is what happens to parents who don't respect their children and their property. The dog should be allowed but she has to be able to care for it. If she can't u will need to find it a new home. Another consequence for her because she did not follow the rules. Act like a child, you get treated like one.
You said your mother in law is mobile and can do everything for herself . But cusses all day and won’t go by your house rules . You also said the social workers side with her .
The social workers can not force her into a facility if she is able to take care of herself . Independent living is private pay , which seems like she can’t afford . Assisted living in some states Medicaid will pay for but if your mother in law is able to take care of herself and does not need assistance then Medicaid won’t pay. Long term care (SNF) can be payed by Medicaid , but mother in law would need a medical reason and be in need of care to be placed there .
If you think mother in law has dementia bring her to the doctor. Tell her it’s just a physical that Medicare requires to get her to go . Let the doctor know ahead of time the issues. If she has dementia and it’s far enough along that she can not be left alone ( meaning she needs 24/7 supervision ) then a social worker can place her in a facility that takes Medicaid . You could try calling your local Dept of aging ( this is not APS ) to get a needs assessment done to see if she needs help with daily living . You can also go to an elder care lawyer for a consultation . You may be stuck with this woman though until her cognitive status gets worse or she falls or ends up in the hospital some other way . Then when she is in the hospital you can get her tested for dementia again . It may take some time until her cognitive status is such that she can not be alone safely . Then when her cognitive status is worse and she is in the hospital you say you can not take care of her , you work , and she can’t be alone in the house , it would be an “ unsafe discharge “. Or if she ends up in the hospital from a fall or something and she can’t walk then you say you can’t take care of her , have the social worker place her in a facility . If she doesn’t end up in the hospital but you notice her cognitive status getting worse you take her back to the doctor or have the social worker from dept of aging come back again until it’s finally said that she needs 24/7 supervision . Then you say you work and she can’t be alone in the house , they need to place her somewhere on Medicaid .
If she can still take care of herself , and is competent , maybe there are subsidized senior apartments near you for people who only have social security and no other funds. If she refuses , have a lawyer evict her from your home if possible . However those senior apartments typically have a wait list and if your mother in law refuses to sign to get on the wait list , that is problematic .
Unfortunately you may be stuck with her until something bad happens like a fall .
Welcome to the “ waiting until they fall club”. You are not alone .
If she still has capacity I am assuming that even though your DH "has" her POA, that it is not currently invoked, meaning that he cannot make the decisions for her.
If you could give us some details as to what you would like advice for, that would help us tailor our responses.