She lived an extremely unhealthy sedentary life and now at only 79 she can barely get around. Her home is not elderly friendly at all. The family and dining room drop down from kitchen and are very treacherous. I suggested moving the tv she’s glued to all day into the living room so she doesn’t ever have to risk falling at the drop off. I also suggested we get a small dining table and place it into the living room. She had a fit! Should I just do these things and ignore her? FYI SHE REFUSES TO MOVE TO AN AL.

Mother doesn’t want me to make her home safer for her.

When I visit my father every 4-5 months (I live on the opposite coast) he always fights me on doing certain things around the house. So I wait until he is asleep and then do them anyway. I throw away food that I know is past its prime, deep clean his kitchen and bathrooms, reorganize shelves, go through mail and paperwork, and remove tripping hazards. He has dementia and can get quite angry so I pick my battles and do the things that are most important and let the rest go. I fully know that him falling down in his house or outside trying to do yard work is a real possibility. But I look at it this way…what’s worse? Him dying at home in an accident, or dying slowly over years in a MC facility? I know what he would want. Or, because he is so resistant to leaving his house and going into any type of care, him falling down and ending up in the hospital is the opportunity for me to have him placed. He can’t be sent home as he lives alone and I am not moving back to be his 24/7 caregiver. My life is here, not there.

Sometimes I think we protect our loved ones into living longer with a terrible disease that will only get worse over time, as opposed to letting them live they way they want but lose them sooner. My two cents.

Helpful Answer (23)

I could not agree more with your last paragraph. Modern medicine forces people to live longer with nightmare conditions than humans should. When I was a kid people died more normally -- average male death, 67; average female death, 72. When a person died at those ages they were considered to have had "good long lives." One way a lot of people went (including my father) was "the old person's friend" -- a very fast pneumonia. My father (who was in constant pain and essentially immobile) got sick, went into kind of a coma on the second day, and died unconscious on the third day. Now the instinct would be to rush him to the hospital, pump him full of antibiotics, use every machine available to stabilize heart condition, and finally send him home -- possibly with dementia, frequently physically handicapped and needing constant care...and they can go on that way for YEARS. Meanwhile the life of the caretaker and family is being destroyed and they may go bankrupt.

At some point when my hubby came home from the hospital he became aware that his bed had been moved downstairs and everything arranged so that he couldn't leave the ground floor. When he started to walk he immediately wanted to go upstairs. One son put one of those doggy gates at the bottom of the stairs. Finally when hubby was pretty stable I removed the gate, because he wanted so badly to go upstairs -- there was no real point to it, but it made him happy and he felt freer. As it happened, no accidents occurred, but I (and our doctor kind of agreed!) felt that if he, at 93 and with dementia, fell down the stairs and broke his neck or injured himself seriously enough to hasten death...that would not necessarily be bad, better than living to 100 with full dementia. I myself would instantly fly to Zürich if I found myself in the beginning of these conditions and was able to get on a plane.

Main point: maybe it isn't necessary to make everything absolutely and completely safe, especially if the LO doesn't want things that way. Do the sensible things (no cords running across open floors, grab bars in bathroom) but don't force the person into a constant power battle, sensible as it may be, over safety measures that the person doesn't want.

(6)

Respecting a person's right to live as they see fit is something we owe our loved ones, imo. If one of my children came into my home and rearranged it for "my own good" to stop me from falling, which is kind of laughable, I'd have a fit and get everything back to the way it was in short order.

My mother fell 95x living in a very safe AL and then Memory Care Assisted Living environment with caregivers propping her up 24/7. Even while in a wheelchair. Which proves the point an unstable/poorly balanced elder WILL fall no matter what precautions are taken!

Dad had a walker he refused to use in IL and fell one morning on his way to the bathroom. Broke his hip and gashed his eye open. After failing rehab, he was forced to move into Assisted Living with mom bc he was no longer capable of living independently. That's what happens to elders who ARE no longer capable of living independently: they wind up having an accident where they're forced into managed care or to hire caregivers in home.

Stripping them of their independence is not something we children can force. We can only suggest changes be made to help keep them safe and then it's up to THEM to take heed or ignore the advice. And to suffer or enjoy the subsequent consequences.

Helpful Answer (14)

Not that it makes a lot of difference, but is your mother 79 or - as it states on your profile page - 82?

But to answer the question, no you should not do these things and ignore her. How would you like it if somebody suggested a change in your home, you declined the suggestion, and then they barged in and did it anyway?

Wait until your mother complains of a difficulty, and then suggest a solution. If she never does but instead falls and breaks something, or falls and is stuck on the floor for hours on end (if she won't hear of AL I imagine she has also refused a falls alarm, has she?), the responsibility is hers and not yours. She's an adult. Pay her the respect of allowing her to make her own (daft) decisions.

If your mother is one of those irritating, passive-aggressive types who complain endlessly but then reject all suggested improvements and solutions, you can't win - or not by yourself, at least. But if she won't take advice from you, she still might from a professional. An Occupational Therapist's home visit could be productive; or your local fire service may offer something like a "Safe and Well" check - this will cover not only smoke alarms and safe emergency exits, but more general advice on home hazards. Get allies!

Helpful Answer (13)

This!!!

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Go ahead and do it anyway. If you don’t, you’ll feel guilty if she falls.

She should probably have safety bars in her tub or shower. You could get railings installed on the stairs to the family and dining rooms.

So what if she pitches a fit? Why are you afraid of her? Time to be the adult and tell her to shut up. Either she gets safety features at home or she goes to a care facility. Simple as that.

She won’t listen to reason, though, so you might as well save your breath. Clue her doctor in and make sure she’s evaluated for cognitive issues. That’s what this looks like to me.

Helpful Answer (10)

Sometimes you have to let the train wreck.

Helpful Answer (10)

I found I had to sort the safety issues. Small ones like leaving items around to trip, a small warning. Larger like rugs, furniture, grab rails, mobility aides - help arrange an OT for professional advce. I've resorted to informing Dr, (other professionals) of other unsafe areas like poor hygiene & poor nutrition in order to try for better solutions.

You may find you need to make suggestions about the TV multiple times. Eventually Mom may proudly announce "I've decided to move my TV". Or she will fall, & after that she will decide.

Advice, let them decide, consequences are theirs.

(A Social Worker told me this. I've got better with practice).

Helpful Answer (9)

I have to agree with you. Let them decide, consequences are theirs. My strong-willed 81 yr old narcissistic, controlling mother will not take any of my advice, because she still thinks I'm a teenager. She doesn't see nor respects me as a grown adult man, anymore. As she continues to decline I am treated worse.
It said on her medical report Brain Atrophy, she was in a car accident and got T-boned, she head her head enough to get a headache, but did not get injured. I am her only child, and only family member, besides my wife here in our city.

She is obese and very unstable (wobbly) gets dizzy (broken ear drum). Either she can't remember to use a cane or it makes her look "old" but has fallen multiple times, in multiple places. I think being overweight has padded the falls. I have printed out a sign to Remind her keyes, cane, wallet.

When she had a car she would go to and from her storage to retrieve small boxes and had them all over the living room in a very unsafe manner. She said she was "looking for something" and had to go through her boxes to find it.

It turns out she did this for many years as a pastime, yet she complained that she had a mess. I would go help clean it up stack boxes neatly in a corner, date them and two days later it would look the same.

I figured she was losing her memory and every time she would open a new box it was like Christmas day, oh look I forgot I had these and she would repeat the process of Sorting the items all over the floors, tables, chairs again. So I brought her some waist-high folding tables so she could to do.

Her living looked like her Storage space on her recliner and t.v. were there. I got tired of playing warehouse man so I no longer said anything regarding Safety. I did remind her in a gentle way that it would be a good idea to "Leave a path" so she could walk. She fell a couple of times and got bruised, but no broken bones.

It's her life, but I don't have to be in it all the time. I don't "worry" about her safety anymore. These are her choices even if they make no sense to me. She has always been an independent woman and relied on No One.

What Emma wants, Emma gets and it's always been her way or the highway, the only thing different now is she is older, slower and meaner.

I called to remind her to pay her rent or she would be charged $100.00 late fee in her new apartment, new because she got evicted from the Independent Senior living apartments (bad attitude) but that's another story.

She told me she knew what she was doing and for me to get off her back and stay out of her life! Mind you I stay totally aware of the vocabulary I use and my tone of voice when I speak to her
(She's a Narc I'm trained not to upset her).

It's never demanding or demeaning. "It's just a friendly reminder Mom". When she told me to stay out of her life I replied, "Ok, I will" in a very compling voice, no sarcasm. (I'm just a boy doing what his mama's telling him to do).

She has plenty of people to advocate for her. They are all professionals from various organizations. She also has a therapist/s to speak to. Emma knows how to get what Emma wants/needs.

I have to "learn" to let the consequences happen to her, unfortunately, it's not easy for me. I just hope she remembers to pay her rent and doesn't get evicted from this new place because she blew it at the Senior independent luxury living place. They cater to seniors, but not if the staff continues to get verbally abused.

We can't help those who resist our help, even if we hold them in their best interest. It's their choice, their consequences. The poster is correct.
Angel from The Bay

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However many good interim solutions you may be given here, the fact is that once an LO in your care actually begins to show sign of physically risky behavior, that person for all intents and purposes forfeits their right to “refuse”, and you carefully read your POA document to see when and how you will need and be able to invoke it.

I’ve been in this position more times than I would have preferred, and this “phase” of caregiving is, in my opinion, by far the hardest, especially when you truly love and admire and respect the person for whom you are caring.

Be vigilant, look for bruises/broken objects/other signs of stresses in the home and on LO herself, and develop a flexible but firm perspective.

There is no easy, pleasant, comfortable “right” way to do this, but if you can keep a sense of balance for her care and your role in her life, you can hopefully stay on the right side.

Helpful Answer (9)

Your Mom is still grappling with losing her independence. If I had waited for my mother to approve any of my suggestions I'd still be waiting. I've bought better lighting, cameras, Amazon Echo, clocks that alarm for medication, a bed rail, bathroom bars, removed area rugs & threshold saddles - the list goes on.
One suggestion would be, don't ask first! " Look what I got you Mom - a new TV for the living room! Isn't this great!? " "No? Ok just try it out for a couple of weeks and let's see"....

Helpful Answer (9)

My mother rejected suggestions as well but I started with a few things like giving her a large tv for the wall in the living room for Christmas one year. She had been watching tv in a small, very cluttered study since it wasn’t wall mounted. She liked the idea of a larger set but wanted a painting there instead. We used the approach of “if you don’t like it we will have it moved” (though the installation was complex enough that I doubt we could). She now loves having it there. We have also been installing grab bars. I started with one on her tub. Now she can no longer get out of the tub even with them so she uses the shower. She has asked for more to be put in for use there. She had problems using a built in microwave because it was too high for her to reach. That meant that she used the stove more and would forget to turn it off. We got a counter top microwave for her even though she complained about it taking up counter space. She now uses it instead of the stove. We have a list of other things we plan to do eventually, one at a time so no change is overwhelming. Usually once she realizes that the little changes make life easier she tends to appreciate them and has been more open to our ideas. She has also started coming up with her own ideas. To try to do all at once would overwhelm and upset her. So far slow but steady is working with my mother!

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Dh has spent the last 2 days of his 24/7 'shift' with his mother installing grab bars all over the house.

Because she WILL NOT use a walker--that makes her look 'old'.

He has fought her on this, stating emphatically that putting grab bars all around the house was simply propping her up in her feeling that she is still 'independent' which she most assuredly IS NOT. He told her (years ago) he would find a NH before he'd turn her home into one.

Well--she got her way and now she has grab bars all around the perimeter of where she creeps around. I guess it's better than her continually grabbing at & breaking towel racks, TP dispensers and the fridge handles. Dh lost the battle on that one.

She moves between her bedroom, to the bathroom and then into the kitchen/TV area. She sits in front of the TV and is isn't even on. Just sits and dozes. Then it's reversed and she goes back to bed.

NOTHING can be changed. One of my girls brought her flowers last week when she went for a short visit. MIL had her put them outside, out of her view. There can be NOTHING on the table nor countertops and it's driving her nuts that Hospice delivered her weeks meds and they are on the countertop and she wants them out of site.

Fight the battles you can win.

Helpful Answer (8)

I know it is frustrating. However, it is her house, and it sounds like she is intact cognitively. If she reuses, explain to her that if she falls and injures herself, odds are she won't be able.to return home, and that you'd like to make the changes so she can stay in her home as long as possible. Then let it go. Eventually she will fall and injure herself. At that point, she will have to go to rehab and may or may not be able to return to her home, depending on her ability to recover. If not, she is going to be discharged to the nursing home that has the first available bed, not one that she was able to participate in choosing. Because she is mentally intact, she's almost certainly aware of this, but her desire to leave her home the way it is supercedes her desire for safety. It's a bad decision on her part, but it is her bad decision to make. Don't allow it to worry you or obsess over it. Simply accept it and move on. Enjoy your life and visit mom as you would regularly, don't dote and fret over her because she wont make the changes you feel are necessary. I wish someone had given me this exact advice when I was in this situation.

Helpful Answer (8)

Mother doesn’t want me to make her home safer for her.

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