How to get mother out of head?

Where did I read this..? Your Mother is a free lodger taking up space in your head. Time to serve an eviction notice!

You see & feel the issue, changing it is the hard part. I found when I got too involved in someone else's life, their life started to smother mine. That's how it felt. That every day my brain became more skewed towards fixing their problems, thinking about their life. My own life withered.

Re-focusing on my life again was key. Councelling asked me questions (just as Barb said) that challenged my thoughts & then I made small changes. This had a positive knock-on effect. From where I stand today, out of the F.O.G I can see so much clearer.

Maybe when these Mom-voices appear in your head, you can take a minute and think, "Mom has a personality disorder. I don't. That's what she would think. I think differently." So say it's a thought like "I should be doing this for Mom, and I'm a bad daughter for not doing it." You can then reframe that thought as "I do a lot for Mom, and I get to have my own time, too."

It takes practice, but it does work. Good luck!

If a Therapist acted that way I am appalled.
You need to find another that will treat you, your time and your problems with the respect that you deserve.

Lavender, are you saying that you tried therapy with your mother?

That's not what I meant. I meant that you should seek therapy for yourself. By yourself. To learn how to change your relationship with your mother, because she cannot change.

How much weeky contact do you have with your Mother?

Does the amount suit you?

I have a Mother with NPD. It is a severe case. One day I might post about her.
You cant change their personality, it is the fabric of their being. You can get therapy, I have not because I am in a place of understanding and am at peace believe it or not.

my older sister has a tough time dealing with my Mother. There are a few phrases I use and she has used that we find helpful. When you are in the midst of a moment tell yourself you are Switzerland. Remain neutral for your sanity.

You can’t expect a porcupine to become a pussy cat.

I can’t change the person with NPD but I can change how I deal with them.

The one thing I have learned is that they don’t change because there is nothing wrong with them in their mind. You can go no contact or you can just deal with them in a way that preserves your sanity.

I feel for you because it is so extremely difficult to deal with NPD

Thank you all so much , I so appreciate all your time and effort to answer this . I did go to therapy , she would slam her drawers on the phone while pretending to listen . Then she would say to me “ you are allowing that behaviour” . It was no help at all . But your answers are much better and Thank You all!

If you have limited contact with mom, if you are not her caregiver then the best thing to do is to find someone you can talk to. A therapist, family counselor or other trusted professional.
If you think about it your mom has been in your head since the day you were born. When something like that has been under your skin for that long it is more difficult to get out. ADD to that the "guilt" that is piled upon you when trying to establish boundaries.
Your siblings have learned techniques from mom and are using the same tactics that have been used on you and them for all your lives.

(joking ...you can take a page form an OLD movie, I think it was South Pacific..one of the songs I'm Gonna Wash that Man Right outa My Hair. Just start humming it.)

Are you her caregiver? Is she living in your home?

If you are living independently, then seek therapy for yourself in order to explore your emotions regarding your mom. You are hurting now, with the help of therapy healing is possible.

You aren’t able to control your mom’s behavior, nor your siblings. Focus on yourself. Do not allow them to hold you back from living your life to the fullest.

Best wishes to you.

I found this article to be very helpful with tips about how to recognize passive aggressive NPD behaviors and cope with them:

https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/

As far as how to get mom to stop occupying space in your head goes, I was never overly successful with that until after my mother passed away at 95 years old, to be honest with you. Some people just have to be out of our lives before the changes can actually take place. #Truth


Some things aren't as simple as "just" finding something else to occupy your mind bc the mother issues slither back in, as intended. It's part of their goal, to keep us mired in FOG, fear obligation and guilt. It's a complicated mess, really.

Best of luck to you navigating difficult territory.

Well, if it's any consolation, and it probably isn't--this is a very common 'feeling'.

Many of us were raised by mothers who probably shouldn't have had children. Having said that, well, we have to find validation, love, support--whatever, from other sources, primarily from ourselves.

In therapy I learned to 'visualize' my life as 'I' wanted it to be, not as it neccessarily was. Not lying to myself, but imagining my life without the drama/guilt and such that having a NPD mother brought.

It's a change of your basic paradigm--actually realizing that you are in charge of you--and knowing how to talk and act and control situations that become unpleasant. Changing your mindset, so to speak.

My mom died last Fall. We were on OK terms, and I have to be honest that I am still struggling a little with some 'undone business'--but I also realize that I can do almost NOTHING at this point, but work on my shifting paradigm.

I would highly suggest a good therapist to help you work through these feelings. As far as your sibs? Well, I had 5 and each of us had a very different takeaway from our childhoods with mom. I'm much more sensitive than any of my sibs and I 'feel' a lot. This is a good and bad trait. Therapy helped me to establish better boundaries and to not take everything so personally, even if it was VERY personal.

I hope you can get help and not allow bad feelings about your mom take up any more rent free space in your head.

Try to find something else that occupies your mind.

You wrote nothing on ur profile.

I have a theory, maybe because when I was young I too wanted to make my parents happy. I think its your personality. You are a people pleaser. I also think your looking for love that Mom cannot give. And Mom knows you are looking for love and preys on it.

Do you live on your own or with Mom? How old are you, how old is Mom. Do you work? Have a family of your own? What you have to realize is you cannot make Mom happy. All your doing is running yourself ragged. You need to set boundaries. Yes everyone will try to cross them but you stand firm. You are not the only child Mom has. The book suggested is a good start. Look up "Grey Rock" maybe able to use the technique.

I just watched a video by Dr Ramani on YouTube, entitled "What happens to the scapegoat in adulthood?". Her videos are really good.

https://youtu.be/GjWR5WlYWVM

Another one
https://youtu.be/2GpNZEescpU

Another lol
https://youtu.be/Xfygu8JdfiA

https://youtu.be/z1JVHyTBAbw

Start by reading this:

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/if-you-are-going-to-become-a-caregiver-480769.htm?orderby=recent

Find the book "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud at your local library or bookstore.

Find yourself a therapist to work with on letting go of your family's destructive expectations.