Feeling guilty about dad and wondering if he is guilt tripping me?

So sorry about your mom, Becky.

Sage advice? "Sorry to hear that, Dad." "That sounds hard." "What's your plan for that?"

Don't try to manage his food intake or get him to do anything different. If he's of sound mind, he gets to eat porridge and nothing else. Limit the amount of time you spend on the phone and visit if your presence isn't helping. Your own family needs you, and they should come first. You can't let him drain your happiness and energy.

Hang in there.

My father would announce a problem then look expectantly at me to volunteer to solve it. I’d throw it back at him and ask him what he planned on doing about it. Yes he is guilt tripping you. Call less often like your sister. Pretend you didn’t hear his complaints and change the subject

Are u in the US? If in the UK then there is no Medicare and your health system is different than hours. So too maybe he gets the number of hours he is allotted for in home care.

Yes he is guilt tripping you because he can. He doesn't guilt trip ur sister because she can't be guilted. I am one of 4 and the one Mom always tried to make feel guilty. My brother called her the martyr. Dad does not seem to have any serious illnesses. Of course he is depressed, he lost his wife of many years. She probably did everything, so he is kind of lost. But you are not her and you can't take her place. What do these people do that come in 2x a day? What does the home help do the 2 or 3x a week that they come in? Does he allow them to do what they are there for?

Its ridiculous for you or him to think that you can drive round trip 2 hrs a day to meet his needs. Tell him you understand he misses Mom but he cannot expect you to take her place. He needs to rely on himself. Go to the Senior center and meet some new friends. See if one of the aides can get him out of the house.

I like when he complains ask him what he is going to do about it. Because Dad, I can't be there 24/7.

Hi BeckyBoo,

Welcome to the forum. I’m sorry for the loss of your mom.

About dads attitude towards you and sis, if he is like many elders I have a few thoughts.
I suspect you are the person who organizes dads helpers which although he probably knows he needs them, wishes he didn’t. You are apparently “in charge” so it must be your fault he is old, his wife died and he has the various women in his house who can’t cook like you or your mom did. 🙄🤔🤨
Without mom, his days are empty.

Sis, I’m assuming, is not the one doing all the work. She is company. She is to brighten his life. With her he can pretend his life doesn’t suck. She’s not all wrapped up in running his life. This is called “show-timing”.
His attitude and behavior are so very common and aggravating to you. You are trying so hard to help him and he doesn’t appear appreciative. Check out the link below on show-timing.
Poor guy. He is probably depressed and his situation is depressing. When my DH aunt was asked why she was going to bed, she would say, might as well. It wasn’t like her and an antidepressant really helped her.

Your dad might qualify for home health through Medicare. They would check on him weekly. His doctor would need to see him. Tell the doctor before the appointment what is going on so he can assess dad for depression. Medicare pays for a depression screening once a year. The Geriatric Depression Scale, is a list of yes/no questions that you can read over yourself and probably help you decide if this is what is going on. It’s on the attached link.
Also talk therapy and/or grief support might be helpful. Medicare will pay for therapy if you can find a therapist who accepts Medicare.
Let sister know how much dad enjoys her calls. Share with her these links so she better understand what you are dealing with.
https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/geriatric-depression-scale

https://coping.today/what-does-showtime-mean/

One last thing. Get dads weight on a regular basis, like once a week. Jot it on a calendar. This will help you judge over a period of time If he is losing weight and how much. This will be helpful to his doctor.

I’m really not much on taking meds but an antidepressant might help you as well. it’s helping me.

Big hugs and Happy Mother’s Day.

He is guilt tripping you and dumping his bad feelings into your lap. He must be able to get help from you as a result so he keeps doing it. Your sister may have firmer boundaries.

Get him more help and the depression screening. That seems to be part of the issue.

I would suggest to detach yourself from his cranky feelings when he expresses them. Say something like oh or I'm sorry and change the subject. Your dad is the only one who can help himself out of his own bad mood. Don't let him indulge the wrongheaded idea that it's your job to do that AND be his whipping post.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. You are grieving and I am sure that your dad is grieving as well.

It’s hard to see our parents unhappy and upset about their circumstances. Please know that you have done your best to care for him.

Your family is your first priority, so there isn’t a reason for you to feel guilty. You can’t be in two places at one time. Your dad has help to care for him.

Perhaps he is lonely and would benefit from more socialization. Would he be more content in an assisted living facility? What were his interests before your mom died? Could he participate in activities at a senior community center?

If he relies on you, then naturally you are going to be the person that he lashes out at. Your sister isn’t involved in his life and isn’t around much.

People tend to lash out at the person they are closest to.

I’m sorry that you are catching the brunt of it all. Has he always been grumpy or is it just since your mom has died? If he has always been grumpy then you can’t expect him to change at this point in time.

Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.

I do not think it has anything to do with you. It sounds like he is still struggling with his wife's death. Try to be patient with him and let him know you are struggling too with her loss, but you are so glad to still have him. Avoid asking him how he is and focus on positive things when you can. Like his grandchildren and how much you all care about him.

If he can afford it, and if you're up to it, please organize more hired caregiving for him. More hours, more help. They'll also keep him company. In addition to health issues, he must be lonely. It might be a good idea to have a live-in caregiver.

I would think it’s grief related. Also could be from cognitive impairment. It’s extremely hard to loose your spouse when you’ve been together so many years. He may be taking it out on you because you are family. Does he have friends or any other social connections? Perhaps grief counseling could help if you could get him to go.

Your Dad may just be leveling with you. Were you a friend calling, and you said the above with his response being "bloody awful" you would just respond, "I am so sorry to hear that".

The word "guilt" has attached to it responsibility. So it is the wrong word.
You aren't responsible. You didn't cause this. You can't fix this.
The word "grief" is so much more appropriate. Your dad is suffering and his pain is causing pain for all who love him.
You feel hopeless to come up with a fix, and the truth is that you HAVE come up with a fix in that he is receiving care.

Be a bit more easy on yourself. There is reason enough to pain, grief, helplessness in our experiencing and witnessing the hopelessness and loss of end of life. There is no "fix-it" for this. You aren't omnipotent. I am so sorry for the pain of you all.