Dad is angry at me because he now has 24/7 live-in care. Has anyone found themselves in a similar situation?

Oh. The infernal “I promise I’ll never put you in a nursing home” trope. “I promise that no matter what happens, even if I myself should become blind, halt, lame or fed up, even if my husband leaves me, my dog dies, we get evicted and my children become drug addicts - dearest mom and dad and spouse and disabled sibling, I WiLL NEVER REMIT YOU TO THE KINDLY CARE OF PROFESSIONALS WHO CAN CARE FOR YOU SO MUCH BETTER THAN I CAN.

“Furthermore, I promise upon all that matters, like clean water and a healthy planet and shoes that fit, I faithfully promise that I’ll continue to wipe your bottom, clean up your dog’s poop, pretend I don’t mind if you vomit all over me ten times a day and can’t understand anything I say, such as I am exhausted and can’t put new batteries in the remote or haul you for a mammogram tomorrow when you no longer get mammograms because you’ve aged out. Yep (mom, dad or other), I will be your caregiver for the next 20 years until you’re 100 years old, sacrificing every pleasure I ever had in life and the right to sleep at night without your pitifully calling out for your parents, who have been dead for 40 years, and begging me to let you go home.

“And dang it, I love feeling guilty! It goes with the territory along with crying quietly in the shower if I get to take one, which sometimes I don’t because your demands are such that I have no time to myself. If only I could go to a nursing home with 24/7 care where I could rest. Because what if I mattered? What if I hadn’t made that promise? What if I had a hope of outliving you, since at the rate we’re going, I’ll join the 30% of caregivers who drop dead before the ones they’re caring for?”

The Promise. It’s not a Hallmark movie. And no one should ever make it.

The other option is Skilled Nursing care which is likely cheaper than 24/7 in home caregivers. Not to mention safer and wiser for all concerned. Making promises about "never" placing an elder in managed care is akin to saying you'd never call 911 to get them medical attention in the hospital for critical care, either. Some medical situations require a team approach that one person cannot properly handle alone, especially if dementia is going on. And if dad is going to be so angry and blustering anyway, why not have him doing so in a safer environment?

At 98, he likely doesn't have "many years left" and you have no reason to feel guilt over anything. Most people don't get to live 98 years of life to begin with, so dad's way ahead of this game, still alive and living at home. He should count his blessings and you should stop visiting so often if all you get to see and hear is blustering!

He's going to be angry no matter what you do.

He's safe, cared for and you don't even need to be in the picture if you don't want to.

With my mom, when she got 'in a mood' which happened now and then, I would simply say "I'm leaving and will come back when you are in better spirits". That always settled her down.

But I had the option of walking away for months and months, if I felt like it.

At 98, every day is a 'gift' so to speak. He doesn't HAVE years. It will feel like it, but when he's gone, you'll be surprised at the emotions that will bubble up.

You are doing and have done the best you can. Don't engage with him in 'fights'...and his CG can handle him as best she can--she can always quit, right? So she's probably used to this dynamic in elderly patients. (I'm using 'her' with the assumption that his CG is a woman. You don't say, so I am making a leap here).

Also, not being related to the stinker at hand makes it a lot easier to cope.

You have done NOTHING over which you should feel guilt!! Pre-grief is probably more like it. You won't likely be able to 'mend' your relationship with your dad. That makes us sad and we feel that way until we work through that grief.

Talk about living too long. Shame the stroke didn't take him out.

Nice that dad wants his elderly child to do everything for him with no consideration about your physical limitations or health issues. The epitome of selfish.

His money will stretch further in a facility which us where he will wind up once the money for 24/7 caregivers runs out.

Seems like a lot of harsh comments here that I don’t understand. I completely understand your situation. My dad passed away just a few months ago. He also worried about the cost of care givers etc.. I understand your feelings and they are yours to feel. No one should blame you for feeling them. I also struggled but continued to do what I needed to keep him safe. The role reversal in caring for a parent is hard.

Dad is going to be angry no matter what. Tell him you are too old to take care of him and his house plus yourself . If he finds himself with no caregivers willing to work for him , he goes to a care home .
Your local Agency for Aging can help with placement , or if he ends up in the hospital ask to speak to a social worker about placement in a nursing home if he has no caregivers willing to work for him . Don’t let the social worker tell you that you have to take him home. You tell the social worker that it’s an unsafe discharge , there is no one to care for him .

Stop the daily visits.
Tell him that the options are:
He get along with having a caregiver
He moves into Assisted Living.
AL is NOT a Skilled Nursing facility ( AKA "nursing home" )
You can not make promises that you "never put him in a "nursing home" . You have no idea what the future holds and if a Skilled Nursing facility would be where he would get the best care why would you deny him that? If Assisted Living would provide better care, more activity, more socialization why would you not entertain that idea?

It's such an awful feeling when a parent is angry with you, especially when there is precious little time left to share. A friend once told me that when people are desperate, their intense need trumps anything and everything in its path: common sense, self-awareness, concern for others, logic. Over and over again I've found that to be true. I know my mom loves me but she has become the most selfish, self-absorbed person as she tries to cope with the loneliness and increasing debilitation of aging and dying. Initially I tried so hard to reason with her: "Don't you want me to have a life of my own? Would you have agreed to give up your life to care for your parents? [for the record she didn't, and was disinherited for it] Do you really want me to quit my job so that we BOTH end up in the poorhouse?" Sometimes those conversations were productive but ultimately they never "stuck" for long and just exhausted us both. Over time she's mellowed (probably due to her advancing dementia, sadly) but basically I just had to accept the fact that she would never see things "my way" or with any real rationality, and just let it go as best I could for my own sanity. God, this is such a brutal process. I wish you the best in navigating a very difficult situation and achieving some level of peace along the way.

Aging is not a pleasant process, but it's not our kids who are to blame.

Has your dad been evaluated for depression?

Strokes often cause cognitive changes and mood swings. Getting him seen by a geriatric psychiatrist would be your next positive step.

Remind him how terrifying it was to find him after the stroke. Tell him you hoped he could live just like he always had, but after that awful day, you are scared. Don't ask for response, just let that simmer. You might also ASK him to try the current arrangement - take his showers and be a little nicer - because his stroke sent him to hospital, he was released from hosp/rehab with the understanding that the only way to live at home again was if he had this help. We don't want caretakers to report back that things aren't working out because I might not be able to keep doctors from saying it's no longer safe to live alone. I hope you want to live at home, because that's where I want you. Of course, if you'd rather go to a facility, that is YOUR decision.

Continue to go like you do. Chat. If no responses, be cheery and say something like, I wish you felt more like talking today. Maybe tomorrow. I'll be back tomorrow.

Give him some time to get used to having someone in his business all day long. It's really hard to have someone around you all the time when you were used to hours of total quiet time. Give him time.