My mother has been living by herself for many years and got along fine until the past 6 months. She has had heart issues and was in and out of the hospital and skilled care a few times. My issue is that her neighbors are very nosey and intrusive. This has caused hard feelings with me as I feel she lets them come in and take over even though she expresses her dislike of them. We both live out of state, but I call my mom every day and have quit multiple jobs to go back and be with her when she is ill or is having a medical procedure done and my older brother has a few hours drive so he visits her on the weekends. A new issue has cropped up that has me totally stressed and very hurt to the point I don't want a relationship with my mother anymore and have informed my brother (who is the POA) he can tend to her care. A neighbor, who was a high school friend of mine, has formed a very bonded friendship with my mom. My mom, having suffered multiple falls, has been unable to walk but uses a walker and wheelchair to get around her home. I was back to see her recently and talked to her about going into a skilled care unit and she refused. She does have a caregiver who takes good care of her and takes her to appointments, and she has a visiting nurse and bath lady. The neighbor, and her daughter, were visiting my mother and talked to my mom about going into an assisted living facility (one I had mentioned and was told no she didn't want to go there). Next thing I know, mom is telling me she is going to the facility and details that the daughter contacted the facility to set this up!! I am furious, as the neighbor lady never contacted me or my brother regarding if this was okay with us...it's as if it was done behind our back. I want the best for my mom, but why can't neighbors leave it to the family? I haven't talked to my mom since and have no desire to talk to her or visit her ever again. The last conversation, my mother made it out that it wasn't a problem with her that they were involved her her care decisions and the mother daughter duo even showed up at the house when the facility administrator was there and took part in the meeting!! I have never felt so incompetent and hurt! Any suggestions on how to handle this situation before I lose all of my hair!!
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Why complain if you’re getting the outcome that you want for your mom? It’s a win win situation!
Don’t make this about you. Focus on what is best for your mom.
You know them.
All hands on deck!
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Why are you so angry that your mom wants to make her own decisions and has her friends help?
I have a precious 92 year old friend that has some struggles but she knows her own wants and abilities and she has her own social network away from her children. She resents her children trying to force their will and wants on her. She said it means she sometimes has to do things she doesn't want to so she doesn't hurt her kids feelings. Maybe your mom is saying she has dislike for her friends to be in agreement with you.
I would be doing a happy dance that she is WILLINGLY going into a facility. This means you avoid membership in the waiting for the crisis to implement change club. Lucky dog!
You don't want a relationship with mom anymore, so what is the problem? Don't have one.
Your life will now be much calmer, mom will have what she needs, and you can move on from a stressful situation.
Yes, I think the neighbors overstepped, and minimally should have spoken to your brother over this.
However, if your mom is of sound mind, she can do what she wants! Just because her body is failing, her mind may be clear as a bell.
Parents rarely listen to their kids. My kids (all adults) haven't taken a word of my advice (asked for or not) for years. In fact, last time he visited, my son butted into a conversation I was having with my daughter about the bathroom remodel. Son pipes up with "NOBODY CARES, MOM". Luckily my daughter said "This isn't about you, B, I asked her about it".
Gosh, can you send those neighbors my way??? We want to get MIL placed in a NH and she will. not. go.
You can mend this relationship or not. But the 'problem' is really the POA's, not yours. I think you're feeling a little tender, and that's to be expected. I'm sorry for your hurt, but try to turn it around and be glad mom went willingly and in 'good enough' health.
You said yourself your mom needs to be in a facility, and she told you no. Then her neighbor makes the same recommendation, and she decides yes. While I can understand frustration and bafflement ("why on Earth would she listen to them and not me?"), in the end, regardless of who talked her into it, mom is going.
You won!
Yay you!
Now you wait until mom is settled in her nice facility, go and visit, rave about her new place, the food, the lovely landscaping, the workers, whatever made you choose this facility originally and go back to being her daughter. You advocate when necessary, support and praise the staff when appropriate and get back to living your life.
Do you know how many people here WISH their parent(s) had a "nosy neighbor" that could talk them into a higher level of care when they, the children, could not? I believe if I were in your situation, I would chalk this up to "any port in a storm" and be grateful that the major part of mom's hands-on care will no longer be my responsibility.
That's how you handle this.
Good luck.
But..the neighbor should have run this by ur brother who is POA. The neighbor has no idea how much money Mom has and its the POA who probably will be handling the finances. Parents rarely listen to their children.
You and your brother do not seem to be close by so be glad that Mom has people who look in on her and can be there for her. I think there is some jealousy here. Which I understand. But you need to be glad someone will be visiting Mom regularly and can be ur eyes and ears.
It may be that mom told these neighbors that her kids were onboard with the idea of her going into managed care, and even suggested this facility - which the OP stated in her original post.
Or mom might have asked these neighbors to come along to see the facility. Or to bring her, since - as the OP stated - both of her children live out of state and work. Which is a very nice thing of the neighbors to do, don't you think?
And again, if mom is mentally competent, why should it be the neighbors' responsibility to reach out to talk to the kids about placement? That's entirely on mom to do. I think the OP has some misplaced anger - and as you pointed out! - jealously against the neighbors.
Since your brother is POA, why were you the one to quit multiple jobs to go take care of your mother?
I think there is some resentment on your part, because you sacrificed for your mother, and then she wouldn't even take your advice re a facility.
Why not take a break from your mother? Your brother as POA can make all the arrangements for your mother's move to AL. And then once your mother is settled in, you can reconnect with her if you want to. Let the facility do all the caregiving, and your brother do all the arrangements and finances. You won't have to quit any more jobs!
Did the neighbor overstep? Probably .., did the neighbor do you a big favor and get your mom to listen, .. probably.
Your mom is in need of AL. Your mom knows this and turned to befriended neighbors for help. Sure, mom should have talked with you.. I would be grateful it’s being accomplished. My mom would not help herself …
I never heard that , but love it !!