Brother suddenly wants to stay with me for a month or more to spend time with mom, but I don't want him to.

Why can't they stay at a hotel or something? That's what my aunt would do when she visited Grandma. She was at the hospital all day for a couple of weeks and could go to the hotel to sleep without being in anyone's way. Brother and Wife could take over some care duties while you do something else for a few hours during the days, but to want you to take a vacation with your mom on hospice and not eating is ridiculous. And have a social worker, aides, or someone else explain all that needs done with your mom because it seems they don't listen to you and have no idea of the challenge of caring for your mom. Don't rearrange your life for them!

I will give you a slightly different view than ones before. I agree that your brother can find somewhere else to live. Although, if you have space, it might be a good opportunity to mend fences. My brother and I could not agree on care for my mother, all of which fell on my shoulders, until he came to stay and see what it entailed. I couldn't have handled him for a month, but the 3 days he was here, opened his eyes.

Secondly, my mother has been in hospice twice, once for a year, and each time, improved and no longer needed hospice. I say this as the first time I canceled all plans, long overdue vacations, visits to friends and family. Covid hit right after she improved so I had put my life on hold for almost 2 years. When she went back into hospice, I didn't put my life on hold and asked my brother to step in so I could step out. 

I can't speak for your situation but there may be some benefit in having your brother there for a while. If you need a break, it might be the right time to take one.

Finally, I wouldn't base on your actions on what you think others in the family will say about you. People, even family, will always say things, positive and negative, so don't make this your motivator.

This sounds more like it's more about using you as cheap lodging than reconnecting with his mother and you, expect that a brief visit with her will be all he considers necessary to fulfill any sense of filial duty.

Lets get real he just wanted free place to crash for a month or more. Kudos to you for standing your ground and telling him no.

Honestly I think even a week is too generous. No reason he can't stay in a hotel.

Besides what if he gets there and refuses to leave after a week? Might be better to not let him stay at all.

Don't let them stay with you and don't go away. It would give them an opportunity to change paperwork and do who knows what else. Nope.

He can choose to come.
He can ASK to stay, not expect & never demand.

Your offer for one week stay is both reasonable & generous. (Over this becomes a burden to the host).

While suggesting you go holiday seems generous.. it is a little naive, impractical & even thoughtless. You can't plan in time, you may not WANT to go at this time & he will not have the experience or expertise to replace you.

Come? Sure. Stay ONE week. Then his choice is Motel, Hotel or Air BnB.

Make your communication CRYSTAL CLEAR. Tell him after one week, he must stay elsewhere. If he has not prearranged that, you will drive him, her & their bags to a local hotel. Have this hotel picked out & send him a link.

Rude? Maybe a little. But crystal clear.

what did Ben Fredrickson or Ben Franken or whatever his name was (some founder of our country, cant remmeber his name) say

Fish and visitors are the same, they both smell after three days

And that is just normally, not in the stress you live in

I think a week is more than generous and if they badmouth you to other family members I would guess they would agree with you, that you went above and beyond

When I first started reading your story I thought you were going to say no visit at all, stay at a hotel, and I would have agreed with that

Refer them to Airbnb where they can rent a place for a month. Tell them you'll welcome the help, and they'll have their own space to retire to after trying days of whelping with Mom.

It's not even reasonable to expect someone on a death watch to fly off on vacation. That's just nuts.

I agree with cwillie. I would make it clear to brother that your mom will love seeing him, but that you would not be comfortable leaving her in the care of someone familiar with daily routines, nor with leaving her at this time.

I would tell him that your household doesn't at present have room for guests but that you can suggest some nearby lodgings for them to check availability of lodgings.

There is no need to be rude or unwelcoming. Just make it clear that this isn't a time for you to consider guests, and that it is wonderful that they are coming to see mom.

When I was caring for my parents , my uninvolved siblings would come once or twice a year and expect me to host a family gathering at my house. My parents were still living in their home a mile away from me . I was taking them to a lot of doctors appts, bringing them meals , and working full time . DH told me , take a break , tell them you won’t be home , let them feed your parents . So we did go away for one weekend . When another sibling came we just hid in our house , I took a break and pretended we weren’t home .
The point is, they should not expect you to play host . Tell your brother he can go to a hotel, and you aren’t up for hosting guests right now.