My wife and I have known each other for over 62 years and been married for 55 this year. This week I went to see the unit in a memory care facility that I had already signed up for and paid for and while there decided to finally admit her and now I wonder if I should have taken this step. Our son who is 50 says I should have done it earlier my guilt feeling is many especially on each visit when I see my wife there with all of these other poor souls in wheelchairs and in what appears to me much worse condition. There are about 3-4 that seem like her.
My wife has been able to manage most of her personal care items like bathroom and does not have a continence issue yet. She does have a memory / imaginary issue that does drive me crazy especially and I am ashamed of myself for letting it get to me - like where are my children (like little children) and where is my husband and why I don't have a wife or girlfriend. Also, she never sits still. There are also the many other things like placing the TV remotes in the dishwasher or putting Kleenex in the laundry collecting pinecones and sparkly stones from our fenced in back yard.
What I miss the most and it has only been 2.5 days are the walks sleeping side by side the conversations even though they often made no sense and often they ended me forgetting not to tell her that her mother and Father had died over 18 years ago. The hugs and just holding hands or laughing about some dumb thing. The facility I decided on provides her with an extremely safe area with access to the outside etc. and a private room that we had to furnish like an apartment all with round the clock staff and I have to say so far extremely friendly and attentive but not like me with one-on-one care which has become quite heavy this past 6-8 months.
I know I am rambling so I will continue. Everyone said it will be best and it will give me more time for myself well not sure I really needed more time even though I had to have someone stay with her when I went shopping for food etc. I did not mind having less free time I do not have many outside interests and do not mind staying at home. Now the last two days every time I visit her it tears me up and I just want to bring her home or buy a trailer and just take off and say the hell with it lets enjoy what time we have and just hold hands and lie beside each other etc. Even though this home is doing everything they can I selfishly am not sure it is the right place meaning I want her back. I can make our home safe will need to hire some folks, but my son says try not to do this give this a chance and he has been extremely helpful and involved
I think I am speaking from a very selfish place I want my partner my closest Friend and wife back no matter what her condition and our son says he thinks it is going to be better for her where she is especially if something would happen to me at almost 78, she cannot use a phone drive etc. Should I trust him and leave her there or just go there and bring her home and enjoy what years we have left while she can still do some of the things we used to do like walks talking etc.?
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Placing a loved one is, in my opinion, one of the hardest things we will ever have to do. I bawled for weeks every time I saw my dad, it was the reality that he couldn't take care of himself and needed more care then I could provide. I can't imagine if this was my dear husband I was making this decision for. I would be devastated no doubt.
You placed her because you believed that was the right thing to do. Remember this when you are feeling bad and try to get some rest. Maybe, you will decide to bring her home but, please get rested up and take the respite for yourself, a sick you is no good to her.
Whatever you decide to do please take your time to make sure it is in everyone's best interest. Right now you are grieving the loss of the wife you had, you can find a way forward to enjoy the new season your lives are in, it just takes time.
May The Lord give you strength, courage and wisdom to do what is needed. May HE give you peace, mercy and comfort in this difficult time.
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You've not made a "mistake" because you're faced with a no-win situation thanks to dementia. Everyone loses when dementia reaches a certain point, so the question becomes, "what's the best solution for all concerned?" Where DW will be safe and well cared for, where I can sleep in peace, and where we can both have some semblance of a normal life w/o stress killing the caregiver?
Taking her home isn't The Right Answer. Keeping her in Memory Care Assisted Living isn't The Right Answer. The Right Answer lies within your ability to recognize your own limitations as far as caregiving goes. Where do you draw the line? What's too much? For me, changing soiled briefs is too much, so mom was in Memory Care Assisted Living and did fine with her girls, as she called them. Almost 3 years she lived there and we were able to preserve our relationship to some degree bc I was the interesting visitor instead of the burned out and resentful caregiver. I got to bring her gifts, snacks and laughs instead of medicine and brief changes 5x a day.
Dementia is the bad guy here, not you. Go visit your wife and take her for a walk or for ice cream, etc. Sleeping apart doesn't mean you've abandoned her....just that she requires more care than one human is capable of providing for her nowadays.
Best of luck to you
Thanks for your honesty and candor. Your story, I’m sure, is one many of us can relate to. Caring for a spouse is one of the greatest stressors we will experience. I, too, placed my wife of 52 years in a memory care facility. Did I want to? No! Did I have to? Yes! It got to the point of my being unable to safely care for her, by getting on my last nerve asking repetitive questions, by constantly looking for things she misplaced, by my lack of sleep (she was a wanderer who left the house at all hours of the day or night to the extent the police had to get involved looking for her), and for so many other reasons. Could I have had more patience? Could I have better understood her disease? I truly don’t think so. She was in her own world and I had no control of it.
The separation is very difficult. And guilt is a common emotion when we feel we haven’t done enough or haven’t honored our vows. But for myself, I realized that I could not care for my wife at home anymore, and if I could find a caring facility that could ensure her safety, manage her meds, and understand her disease better than I could, that I was taking care of her. The simple comforting acts of love, like you, are what I missed also, snuggling on the couch, holding hands, a peck on the cheek. But you can still show her your affection, even if she’s not at home. Touch is important so hold hands and greet her with a kiss. And it’s not being selfish to want to bring her back home. However, what you’ve seen so far is the best of her disease. It only gets worse, and having her back home would eventually become an impossible task for you. I applaud your son for having seen what effect caring for your wife has had on you, and suggesting she be placed in memory care. Trust his judgement. Bringing her home would not be in your or her best interest. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own emotions that it’s difficult to make a decision. That’s when another person’s input can place things in proper perspective.
You admit caring for your wife became “quite heavy” the last few months. It would only become more demanding as the disease worsened. So, you’ve made the right decision, Bigguy (that’s what I call my grandson!), and although it’s difficult, be somewhat consoled by knowing she’s being well cared for.
I wish you peace.
Think of what you're feeling now as grief, not guilt, You've done nothing wrong, so there's nothing to feel badly about. You've done nothing immoral, unethical or illegal. Guilt is for criminals and creeps. That's not you. I have a cousin who was diagnosed with ALZ at 68. My sweet cousin refused to bathe, was totally paranoid, paces like a wildcat, etc. Her kids had to finally place her in a facility, literally picking her up and carrying her in while she was screaming and fighting them. What you did was so much wiser.
Your LO of 62 years is changing and you are grieving. Maybe consider a therapist or grief support group. May your receive peace in your heart on this journey!
That is why you placed your dear wife where she would be safe . Your son is correct that it is safer for her there than home alone with you should something happen to you . You can spend as much time as you want with her. Take walks with her at the facility . Bring a take out meal for both of you to eat and have a “date”. Talk , read to her, bring photo albums , listen to music together . Then go home and get rest .
Your wife’s needs will increase, causing you to burn out . It is better she gets used to the staff now before she gets more confused , making the transition more difficult for her . Change is tough , you need to give it more time , like your son said .
Your son is looking out for both of you . Listen to him .
Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.
You can sit side-by-side and have silly incoherent conversations that make no sense, hold hands, share meals -- all those things you miss except sleeping by her side -- but at her new place.
What I don't think you appreciate is that you've now freed yourself to do all those things even more without the stresses of caregiving that went along with it, and as others have said, that care is only going to increase with time.
You've actually done something that you may not intended, but you've ensured her care and safety in the event something will happens to you. My dad was very much like you and would never have put my mom into a nursing home until he could no longer care for her. Well, surprise -- he ended up dying only six weeks after being diagnosed with cancer, and I had to move my heartbroken mother who'd just lost her soulmate of 66 years from her home of 50 years into a memory care facility three days after Dad's funeral. It was horrible.
You've ensured that with your help she'll be settled, comfortable, and cared for before something happens to you, and that is a huge gift.
As a devoted husband knows, much of marriage is sacrifice, and this is a sacrifice you're making for her benefit. Bless you for doing it.
You remind me of my next door neighbor,who, at age 94, cares full time for his wife. She is also 94. Multiple health issues, the saddest being that her macular degenration has now rendered her 90% blind, so she can't do much of anything for herself. Her sweet DH does it all.
They have a LOT of family and I see someone over there nearly every day. BUT..I know that if she gets much worse, he is going to have to move her and it tears at his heart. He is capable of doing not just a 'good' job, but a 'great job'---luckily she is a sweetheart and that makes the CG 'easier'--
Each person's case is different. In your case? It sounds like your DW is where she needs to be. You can visit as much as you like and still maintain a close relationship--although, with dementia? you know there likely will come a time when she has no idea who you are.
It's better that you placed her before she got that way. I'm sure, in time, you will find a balance of spending time with her and also taking care of you, doing what you enjoy and love.
Maybe you CAN bring her home for a weekend once in a while. That may be a good thing or it may be upsetting to her. Your call.
Rest assured that you are doing this out of love and that is what matters.
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