How do I convince my mom to take a shower?

You're not going to be able to convince your mother to take a shower, so let that one go.

If the workers in the facility won't shower her, then is there a reason that you can't do it?

My mother lives with me and would never shower ever again if I tolerated it. She gets a shower every Saturday because this is a dictatorship, not a democracy. I tell her that we can make it pleasant or we can make it unpleasant but it's getting done.

I turn the heat up to sweat level and sit her on a shower chair and ignore her protests.

So my advice is to put on some shorts and a t shirt and get in there with her if you have to. It shouldn't take long. I can scrub my mother down and wash her hair in just a few minutes.

Peace.

I recently read an example of a man with dementia who would only shower when it was time to get his hair cut because he looked forward to going to his female barber. It was suggested to schedule other events or get his hair trimmed more often and that helped. Perhaps try to find things she would consider special and it may encourage her to want to shower more often. I know I often let myself go an extra day if I know I am going to be at home all day. Those with dementia are not able to realize how many "extra days" it has been since their last shower.

My mother with Alzheimer's refused showers as well. They just get very scared being completely naked in the shower. I would soap up a wash cloth and hand it to her and instruct her to wash certain parts. Or I would do it for her. I would not completely undress her--just the parts I was washing. For the hair, I would have her lean over the kitchen sink fully clothed, give her a towel to hold over her face, and I would wash her hair. She also had no problem going to the salon and leaning back in the salon sink. But the shower, no way. Good luck.

With dementia at play, elders usually hate taking showers bc something is frightening them. They're cold, or afraid of the water spray (So a hand held unit can be helpful at this point), or slipping etc. For my mother, she was insisting the shower floor was slippery no matter what anti slip devices were put down for her. So I bought her a pair of water shoes on Amazon and the problem was solved, thankfully. They can also incorrectly recall having showered yesterday when in reality it's been a month since their last wash up! 😐 Its a good idea to see if you can find out what mom is afraid of, and try to remedy the situation for her. Teepa Snow is a dementia expert who has YouTube videos with specific techniques to use to coax an elder into the shower, check them out. It's all about gaining their trust and confidence so they'll agree to let you help them get clean.


I suggest you read this 33 page booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. They talk about showers specifically in the booklet as well.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:

https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2


Best of luck to you

You say mom is in Assisted Living.
I think it might be time for a move to Memory Care.
The staff in MC are much more able to get compliance from residents simply because they know how to deal with dementia.
If you do not want to move her to MC then the Shower aide has to be a bit more "forceful" with her. By forceful I do not mean physical force but by starting the conversation differently.
If she is saying "Maggie, do you want to take a shower now?" this is giving mom the option of saying "NO"
If she says "Maggie, I have the shower ready, let's go". this is a statement NOT a question and Maggie may be more apt to comply.

Just make sure that "Maggie" feel safe and comfortable.
A shower chair or bench.
Grab bars
Warm room
Not a lot of noise. the aide should talk to "Maggie" in quiet tones, not yelling over the sound of the water. If possible turn off the water after wetting her and while soaping/washing.
the head and torso are "sensitive" areas where a person feels vulnerable. If there is a shower wand let "Maggie" have control so she can direct where the water goes. Start at the feet an work up.

One area at a time. Daily wash face, (micro fiber disposable soap impregnated cloths) wash hands, check nails, wash feet, wash bottom. I recommend sitz bath after bowel movement. Make it all as warm as possible. Towels heated in dryer and placed in cooler bag till ready to use. Highly recommend using a “lets get it done” approach. Set the scene like its going to happen. Get clothing ready, etc. Focus on the process then smoothly into “ok lets get started”. If answer “No”. Negotiate: “Ok, lets get the face and hands real quick” and move like it’s happening. Each no, move to next item. If compliant, “well lets go ahead and do those hands. Make it a routine. My mother hated getting her hair wet in shower, but tolerated the beauty parlor. Directed staff to leave hair as is and focus on body wash. Scheduled weekly appt with hairdresser: wash, blow dry only no set not hairspray.
Did everything work? Maybe 5% in alternate days? 2%?
Hope for small solutions:)

I don't like the shower because it is so slippery. I have to hold onto the wand and wash myself with the other hand. This is so awkward that I don't do it. The floor is very slippery and I am afraid of standing up. Does your mother have any problems like this? Ask her what you can change. You have to ask her.
I lived in an RV for 2 years and didn't shower. If I felt dirty, I washed with a wash cloth. No showering is not the end of the world.

I read this problem on the forum a lot. When my partner was completely disabled by ALS we had to find another way to bathe him. I would take a warm wash cloth and use a mild soap to hit the important bits and then a different warm wash cloth to wipe it all off. Will she tolerate that instead of a full shower?

I also have an autistic brother who has sensory issues. Shower water is one of them. Sometimes, rather than forcing him to stand under the stream which can be distressing for him I will sit him on a shower chair and use the hand held attachment on low. That seems to help.

Like many with Alzheimer’s, mom does not like to shower. I pay a friend to help shower mom. I re-introduce the friend to mom every time. The friend is a very experienced and kind caregiving; prior to the shower she holds mom’s hand and talks to her in a very soothing tone. We then proceed with the shower. Even though mom gets increasingly angry during the shower…it’s over in about 20 minutes (including drying and dressing her), and her anger subsides in about 30 minutes.

I just recalled when my father was in a nursing home, we learned he began refusing showers because they were always given on the overnight shift since there was less for the aides to do. An aide privately told me if the family requested not to wake him up and showers only be given during the day or evening maybe he would cooperate more. That worked! He had a lot of trouble sleeping and he hated being awakened at 4-5am to take a shower then try and get back to sleep afterwards.