My 90 Yr. old mother wants me and my husband to take care of her. We are adamant that we don't want to do that, but she refuses to consider group living.

Do not let her move in even temporarily. It becomes very difficult to get them to leave. If she needs help coming into her home but refuses, do not take her into your home. Refusing help would be a manipulation tactic to get you to take her in. If she needs to go to assisted living but refuses, don't help her. A very wise social worker told me to stop helping my mother, sometimes they have to fail to get them to go to assisted living. When the time comes that your mom cant live alone, call local dept of aging . They can help get her out of the house. Have a facility picked out already for her. Or if mother ends up in the ER, tell them she is not safe alone and you cant take care of her and have the social worker at the hospital help place her.

"Since that isn't going to be an option, Ma, what do you plan to do, or do you just want me to put you in a home now?"

You already know the answer in your heart. The only thing left to do is to convey this information to your mom. Either she accepts it or not. If she doesn’t accept it don’t cave in to her request of caring for her.

Your purpose on this planet to live out your life, not hers. She has already had the opportunity to live her life and she has no right to steal your life from you.

Best wishes to you.

It is time to be honest with your mother that living with you is not and never will be an option. Anything else is cruel.

It is also time to be certain that you do not enable your mother to believe she can expect reliable and continuous help from you. See to it she has numbers to call to hire people to drive her where she needs to go, to shop for her, to cook and clean for her so she can maintain her independence.

To be quite frank I cannot imagine even taking on POA work for a parent that let me down, whether due to her honest limitations or not. I would in fact have only few and brief visits and contacts. But that is just me.

Agree with everyone so far.

Mother, living with me is not an option & I will no longer discuss it.

However I can help you find alternatives.

You can have people come to your home to help. Or move where there is is help.

I don’t blame you for not wanting to take care of her. She’s another old person who hasn’t taken responsibility for herself and is asking too much.

Be kind but blunt. Don’t give her any hope. And emphasize that she will need more care than you are qualified to provide. She’s going to have to cave or find another willing relative.

More and more, the children of the very elderly are refusing to step up to the plate. That’s the way it should be.

Do not let her into your home, even for a short visit, under any circumstances. No overnight stays whatsoever.

Much like the noble cockroach, once an elderly person infests a home, it makes removing them significantly more challenging. Ounce of prevention vs a pound of cure type situation.

You’ll likely have to wait until she has a medical emergency and then get her placed.

Im going to link one of the best threads this forum has ever seen. Read it over and in particular read Kimber’s post. Great info there.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/elderly-parents-trying-to-force-themselves-into-your-home-do-i-start-calling-senior-living-places-no-459759.htm?orderby=recent&page=2

You sit down in front of her, look her in the eye and say..."This will be the last time I say this, NO Mom we will not be taking care of you. If your lonely then you need to go to an Assisted Living. They are very nice. I will take you around to some. And again, we will not be caring for you."

My MIL moved to Fla when her granddaughter was 4. Never really tried to have a relationship with her. It was a 2 day drive so we only went every 2 yrs, When girls were on their own, 1x a year and when she got up there 2xs. After FIL died, she started hinting to DH to move down there. No, he had a job with a pension and was not moving. Sometimes he said nothing. Then when we retired it was "there's a house for sale" DH just let her talk. Problem with this is by not saying N0 she thought she could talk him into it. One day she got me on the phone and mentioned the house. I told her NO. My Mom was 80 by then and a widow. My MIL said you can move Mom down with u. I said no, she has her Church and friends wouldn't take her away from that. MIL said "We all have to compromise" I felt like say "Everyone but you E" I didn't. She always wanted things her way.

Stick to ur guns. You have very good reasons why you should not care for her.

When my mother hinted at me that she and dad would pay me instead of an AL to take care of them, I said ABSOLUTELY NOT right off the bat. I made it clear that I would not take on the role of a hands on caretaker to them in old age, nor would we cohabitate again, but that I'd be their forever health care advocate as their daughter, which I was. Be honest and have that conversation before you wind up in a position you never wanted to be in to begin with. Nip those "hints" in the bud by speaking your truth in no uncertain terms.

Good luck!

You don't have to be cruel. You can be honest with her. You can help her find a better living situation, if she chooses her own ALF, perhaps she can make some new friends and step out of her own misery.

Above all--DO NOT get sucked into being her only CG and getting her to the point she will refuse all outside care.

BOUNDARIES!!

I know of which I speak. My own MIL is now 'dying in place' at her home with Hospice on board and her 3 kids taking 24 hr shifts to care for her. Her 'kids' are 75, 71 and 67. All Srs themselves! This slowly crept into place (we call it Mission Creep on this Forum)..you go from maybe just 'helping out' a day a week and in the blink of an eye, you are in the situation my DH and his sibs are in. Their mother's overarching needs is sucking the joy and life out of all 3 of them, not to mention the damage it's doing to their marriages and families.

My MIL was placed in Hospice b/c she was deemed to be actively dying. She has rallied and now the 24/7 CG is solidly in place. It could go on for months.

What your mom WANTS and what she GETS may likely be complete opposites.

If you have issues with her, from past abuse or whatever, the CG becomes untenable. My DH is burned out and crabby all the time.

Sorry she didn't plan for the future, but she must have some funds--I'd sit her down and be very frank with her. NO more 'hints'--just "No, Mom, we cannot possibly care for you appropriately in our home. We'll help you move to a better placce for you, but we won't bring you into our home." (I'm not stating that very well--but you get the drift.)

IT IS NOT YOUR DUTY TO CARE FOR YOUR MOM IN YOUR HOME. I get the feeling you know that.

Don't let guilt sit in the driver's seat on this. 'Cause it sounds like mom is laying a guilt trip on you.

Good Luck. You sure aren't alone in this--as if that knowledge makes any of us feel better!

Debra, welcome.

You need to be straight, clear and direct.

"Mom, I will not be caring for you in your home or in mine".

"I can't possibly do that".

"Mom, I can't do this".(you have to explain what "this" is--at least I had to explain it to my mom.