Both parents with ALZ and can't afford assisted living, seeking advice.

What they want and what they need are two diffferent things. You're making progress toward resolving the problem, but keep in mind that their chatter about wanting to remain independent and not wanting to move and they want this and they want that - well, much of it is now irrelevant. It's what most of them say. Living alone isn't sustainable for two elderly people with their issues.

You're heading into the area where you want to honor their wishes and of course, they're your parents and you're accustomed to respecting them. At some point, you'll become the one in charge. You'll be calling the shots, and they won't like it.

If they could sell their home and move into a place where they have friends and lots of help, that would be great. Such places can be fun, they'd have little responsibility and 24/7 care. They'd have housekeeping and all meals prepared for them. They'll sit with friends in the dining room and have activities. Start talking it up now, if it's a possibility. Go visit some. Take dad. Work him around to how much better he'll feel if he's out from under the weight of taking care of mom. They won't need a car, so if they have one, sell it to pay for their care.

Never - ever - move them in with you. Be glad they don't want to move to Colorado! Taking elderly into your home won't work. You'll kill yourself over alarming the doors, changing their Depends, waking up to screams in the night and worse. Two dementia patients in your home, which is presumably peaceful and a haven to you now, is disaster. It's more than a full time job.

You seem to have a good grip on this. Don't let them derail you, and good luck moving forward.

Call your parents county office of aged and disabilities, or your county.. they will give you guidance..

Before you decide they cannot afford care, I suggest you get an evaluation of your parents' total assets- including selling their home. An ALZ diagnosis means aging on place is not an option unless they have significant savings. When you have a total assets value and monthly income start exploring for a MC based on using monthly income plus a drawdown from asset sale to determine how long they can fully pay for the MC. You want to consider MC contracts that have a annual increase maximum and a medicaid payment acceptance after a set number of private pay years. Make sure the funds will last (assuming max increases) for the minimum number of private pay years so you do not have to relocate them when their illness is more advanced and their resources more limited.

Talk with your father about how you want to care for them and you need them closer to make that happen. Your dad's symptoms may be more about the stress he is under caring for mom than his own illness/decline. My mother showed great improvement once she was no longer my father's (vascular dementia) day to day caretaker. He may be able to live with you for a time and visit your mother daily BUT please plan on him joining your mother in care at some point if he truly has cognitive issues.

Stay home is most people's top choice. The question is: Do they really wish to 'Age in Place'? If so, they hire home help & keep adding to meet their needs. 'Age in Place' needs Funds (to finance), Flexability (to allow people into the home) & also Management skills (to manage the 'staff').

Sometimes when you drill down, they don't actually want any of that. Don't want to pay for home help, to have or arrange care staff & services. Don't want change.

They also don't want to move in with you.

So what DO they want?
Is want they DO want possible?
Does it need 'tweaks' & compromise?

Not live WITH you but maybe live NEARER to you?

Eg if/when they really can't stay at home alone any longer - if you will be the main support & contact, a care facility in your area may be the most practical. (Considering the Alz, you may have to pick it for them).

That may be a conversation starter. That change happens - but you are on their team to help.

Speak with a Medicaid specialist in your area to see what needs to be done so they will qualify for benefits.

Do not take them into your home. Their needs will continue to increase and you will find yourself in a situation where you won’t be able to provide adequate care for them.

Your are wise to recognize that they should be placed in a facility where they can be cared for by an entire staff. You can then visit them without having the burden of being their caregiver.

Best wishes to you and your parents.

I did but with what seems to be my father's pending diagnosis it really changes things. Thinking I need to consult again.

Have you consulted an elder care attorney about how the can become qualified financially for long term care Medicaid?