How does everyone deal with guilt if you have to suggest assisted living or in-home care for an elderly parent?

Your father sounds like an entitled, possibly misogynistic elder.

We owe our parents nothing but to live our lives and prepare our children to be self sufficient.

Tell your dad you are not his retirement plan.

And ignore your busybody relatives.

I thought it was one of the worst things I had to do in my life but it turned out to be one of the best. My father loves assisted living! Only months ago he condemned any thought of of going into it to the point of anger. Now all of his needs are met in an atmosphere that is better than some luxury hotels!

He went from being alone in a house all day laying in bed to now having stimulating activities from morning to night doing all sorts of activities, including swimming, which he does multiple times a week with his new friends. It's really astounding.

It's sad that he is in his 80's though but I have come to realize it's a new stage of life and given the alternatives this one is probably the best.

If I knew then what I know now I would have simply told my father all the great benefits of assisted living and set up an appointment to visit with no obligation. No guilt at all!

Guilt suggests fault.
But you aren't at fault.
You didn't cause your father's aging needs.
You can't fix your father's aging needs.

So much of it is just using the right word in your own head. The right g-word is grief. You are grieving your Dad's losses and they are WORTH the grieving.
You are grieving your own helplessness and feelings of hopelessness. And that's worth grieving.

Guilt suggests that if you are just better some magical thing will make this all go away, and it won't. So recognize that this is what is on the plate for you both, and you both hate it, mourn it. But it is here, and you both have an obligation to do the best you can with it without sacrificing your own life to it.

I sure wish you luck, but remember that words matter and it is crucial to remember you are not a felon and you are not a saint. You are a human being doing the very best you are able under difficult circumstances. Good luck Faith.

Why should you feel guilty that dad requires more professional and round the clock care than you can provide? Is it your fault he's old and infirm? He's the one who should feel guilty for even suggesting it's your job to care for him 24/7 in the first place! AL is not some house of horrors that many make it out to be.....those who have no experience with it and equate AL to 19th century insane asylums or something, which is laughable. My parents AL was like a high end hotel, in reality, with 24/7 caregivers available to help them, doctors in house, lovely meals served and activities and entertainment galore. Even Happy Hour on Fridays w dancing to a live band. How awful, huh? 😂 Every elder should be so fortunate to be able to afford AL!

Change your mindset here and the message you send dad about his next stage in life. Remember that you're entitled to your own life too, one that's not tied down to full time caregiving, regardless of what dad expects of you!

People basically have 4 options in their senior years

1. Die "young", while still truly independent.

2. Ruin your family's life by insisting on staying at home, and them obliging your 100% unreasonable request.

3. Be super wealthy, and hire 24/7 professional care

4. Go into some sort of facility

Don't let him force you into number 2. It's often the children of terrible parents that feel some sort of twisted obligation stemming from childhood trauma to care for people that abused them as children. Move out and ER dump him the next time he winds up in the hospital.

Why oh why? Why do you have guilt? You've been a caring daughter.

Even your wording "I fear" is telling. What is to fear about having your dad cared for by professionals who know what they're doing? Whoever told you that assisted living is BAD? Assisted means help is given. Living means they're alive and hopefully enjoying every day! How is it good for your dad to be at home with you working and him sitting and watching TV all day in his dreary house with no one to talk to and nothing interesting happening? Assisted living has people around, things to do, little responsibility and fun.

Of course you are tired, and he wasn't nice to you and your mom. We owe nothing to people who treat us like nothing.

Your debt is paid, whatever it was. I, the Absolving Of Guilt Fairy, wave my wand over your tired body and equally tired mind and proclaim "ENOUGH!"
Don't suggest. Tell him. Tell him many times. You are not going to be doing this anymore. Help him find a good place. You decide it's a good place. Hey, anyplace with a bed and three meals a day looks like a good pace at this point. Off he goes. Off you go. Done.

So what about his family and what they think of you? Two choices there: Bundle him up and drop him on one of their doorsteps. Or go no contact with them because to you, they no longer exist. It works.

I would try some rephasing. Take all the words about you out, about your job, moving to live in his house, him moving to yours. Feelings about his relatives being judgemental. Even about your childhood.

Let's see what is left;

I fear my father will soon need round the clock assistance.

Hmm 🤔 Actually that is about you too.

Fears of family judging you? Obligations because..?
Guilt (you described).
This is F.O.G.

Once you step out of the FOG & into the light - you will see that this is actually Dad's issue. Not yours.

He must decide what he will do.

Please realize that there should never be guilt for looking out for the best interests of another. Your dad is blessed to have you caring for him at all and wanting to help make wise decisions for his future. That’s advocating for him, you’d only be guilty of something if you didn’t care at all

Many of them don’t want to go to AL.
Yes some may complain about missing their home or the food . But they are cared for , there is food, activities . Some adjust better than others . But you have to live your life .
The miserable ones like my mother will be miserable wherever they are and try to put a guilt trip . But she had people to talk to , she ate better , gained weight , and she was safe as opposed to living alone .
Sometimes you can only give them what they need , not what they want . What they want is to turn the calendar back about 25 years . Impossible .

I have no guilt. My mom needs more help than I can provide. If we live a very long life most of us will have to go to a facility for help. She is safe, warm, well fed and generally quite happy.