How to respond to persecutory, delusional thinking by elderly mother?

"it's time for some medicine"

Well I am not a Doctor. But have been told that when people lose insight, have behaviour issues that impact/prevent their care, are abusive to family/caregivers, angry or delusional.. that medications for mood may be considered.

So yeah, it's probably time.

Doesn't mean they will work, delusions or blame will disappear.. but see what the Doctor thinks.

A little mood pil has worked WONDERS for my LO!

I can relate! I am the only caregiver for my mother, who has dementia. She often tells neighbors, do tors, and family that I poison her. Although it's very embarrassing it is clear that I take very good care of her. But the first few times it happened I was hurt, shocked, and humiliated. Almost everyone says something like "She seems to take really great care of you." And laugh it off. When your brain doesn't process properly it just leads to this type of paranoia and delusional thoughts unfortunately. I try not to take it personally.

Well, you can always just stop visiting. Let the paid staff listen to all that nonsense! That’s the only sane course of action I can see.

Sounds like it's time to move mil out of her home and into Memory Care Assisted Living where she can get care 24/7/365 and not be left alone with dementia anymore. It's just too dangerous if she's reached this point where she's confabulating and super paranoid. She needs more help than you may realize, by teams of people who won't take her accusations personally. That's hard for family members but not for paid caregivers. Whoever holds POA for mil can have her placed in MC against her will if there's a diagnosis of a dementia in force by her doctor. I'd offer her the choice of an in home caregiver first....or Memory Care Assisted Living. I'd also get the doc involved for calming meds like Ativan which helped my mother quite a bit with her afternoon Sundowning rants. While there is no medicine to treat "dementia " or slow it down, there ARE meds to treat agitation and anxiety which is what she's displaying.

Sometimes choices get narrow for a 95 year old with dementia. You have to consider what's most prudent for all concerned in this situation and how to keep mil as safe as possible as she continues to decline.

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:

https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

Best of luck to you. 

I'm glad you have already learned to not try to rationalize with irrational thoughts, that's a big step.

Another conversation tactic is to just address the emotion and try to not get caught up in the ramblings. "That must make you feel sad", or whatever would be the proper thing to say. It's kind to talk to people with dementia and other issues.

Yes, our family members will end up saying stuff that is embarrassing in front of people who don't understand the situation.

Sclbluheron had an excellent suggestion regarding anti-anxiety meds.

My mom's delusions and confabulations are some of the more difficult things to deal with right now. As you said they are irrational and have no logic.

Perhaps some anti anxiety medication might help to take the edge off. You could tell her that they are vitamins to see if that would help her take them. Since she complains about poor health frame the medicine as being helpful with that and see how it goes.

Non harmful therapeutic lies of this kind are ok IMO if done with the intent of helping the dementia sufferer find some calm and peace. Others will disagree. Ultimately up to you to decide what you are comfortable with.

Good luck.

Medicine isn't going to stop a broken brain from being unable to function. This is the face of dementia. Your MIL isn't going to change. The best thing now is for you to educate yourself about a mind beset by dementia. MIL is no longer responsible for her thinking. She has no reasoning capacity. This isn't going to change with administration of a pill; it is going to get worse; and it will be ongoing.

I am so sorry, but you need to understand that MIL now is completely incapable of normal and rational thinking.