Near you. No matter how much they promise, and no matter how much they care, these friends will dwindle away because of their own deteriorating health, lack of interest, or dying. It happens. Then you're stuck with a two-hour round trip every time you visit your parents, and that gets old really fast.
It happened in my family and to others I know.
Think of how to make this easy on yourself, because hereafter you'll be called upon to do many things that you don't want to do. This, at least, might be something you can set up now to help yourself later.
Fawnby is spot on. I can count on two fingers of one hand how many times friends came to visit mom in her memory care AL and she was there just under 3 years. Same with family, albeit a few more times. I was IT. Truth is, nobody wants to deal with the reality of dementia up close and personal and witness the decline they see in their old friend or loved one. It's a tough pill to swallow, so only the strongest among us actually put our own feelings aside, suck it up and DO it. Sad but true.
My preference for my LO would be “near me”, and that decision worked great while caring for my mother, who lived to 95, then subsequently HER baby sister (died recently at 94).
This worked well to do early or late visits, bad weather, her emergencies, and so on.
Friends come and go, get sick themselves, travel, grow too old to be faithful visitors…..
Near you. " Friends" will not be making the day to day support decisions and, ultimately EOL decisions and, all care related decisions from this point forward: You will. Be sure that all POA documents are in place for you ( if you are designated as such) and, highly suggest that the closer your parents are to you, the better going forward. Needs and your presence will only increase and, removing the distance factor will greatly help you all.
Do whatever is best for YOU. My father put his friends before me my entire life. They were always more important. Then he got old and no one came around anymore. Suddenly I was important, but I didn't fall for it. He was a bit too late. I did things that worked for me and made my life easier because he sure as heck wasn't concerned about that.
I am identifying with your answer. I had the same situation all my life with my mom. After looking at several places that were close to my home and approximately half an hour away, I chose The one that was a half an hour away because I felt as though it was better care, cleaner and more friendly for my mom. She has made friends there and really enjoys having her lunches with them, etc., even though she has dementia and so do many others they’re in different degrees. I work full-time so I would not be there every day anyway. I was actually relieved to seeThat someone had a parent that was moreCaring about their friends. Everyone must remember that our parents friends age along with them and eventually will not be visiting them anyway. It’s sad but it’s true and visiting falls on us. I do feel as though my mom now does appreciate seeing me when she does, so I say make some memories with her now so I feel better about the past. Thank you for your comment it was very helpful to me
I'm going to be the dissenting party here. I lived 10 hours away from my dad and chose to keep him in skilled nursing near his friends.
He had spent his entire life in that Metro area and had a vast community of life-long friends (the closest of them conveniently lived less than 5 minutes from the best nursing home in the area) and a very strong spiritual community.
He had visitors almost every day for the 3 years he was in that SNF. I FaceTimed him 2-3 times every day. I kept in close contact with his friends by text (they would let me know after they visited and I would let them know if there was anything medical going on).
I'd been asked if I didn't want to move him closer to me but I am incredibly grateful that I made the choice I did. Had he been here, I would have been his only visitor. As it was, he was able to continue to live surrounded by many people who cared about him, despite him being bedridden. I've never regretted that choice.
Clearly that was the right choice for you AND your dad, congrats on your clear sightedness! It is rare for a senior to have such strong community ties. Just goes to show every situation has to be evaluated on its own pros & cons.
Near. I honored my mother's wishes to keep her in her hometown, and last fall I had to move back here to help take care of her. I'm not saying necessarily I would do differently, But it took a huge toll trying to manage her care remotely for 7 years and now I just had to move back for her end of life (I hope)--even though she is in a facility, It is very hard to manage the day.to day remotely. Now I live only 5 minutes away and that is the one excellent decision I made. I can go there every day to make sure the facility is on their toes and it makes all the difference for me and her. They will miss their friends-- but most of not all would stop visiting quickly, especially if they are in memory care. You have to put yourself first. And it will be better for her if you're close. You will regret it if you're an hour away. There is always something that needs to be done and if they are a memory care you need to be on top of what's happening there. And out of all my mother's friends even her best friend visited only twice. They quickly lost interest or had their own illness to deal with.
It makes sense to place them in a facility near to you. You will want to visit one a week if not more. The easier it is for you, the better the situation it will be. Good luck.
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It happened in my family and to others I know.
Think of how to make this easy on yourself, because hereafter you'll be called upon to do many things that you don't want to do. This, at least, might be something you can set up now to help yourself later.
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This worked well to do early or late visits, bad weather, her emergencies, and so on.
Friends come and go, get sick themselves, travel, grow too old to be faithful visitors…..
Better “near” for all concerned.
" Friends" will not be making the day to day support decisions and, ultimately EOL decisions and, all care related decisions from this point forward: You will. Be sure that all POA documents are in place for you ( if you are designated as such) and, highly suggest that the closer your parents are to you, the better going forward. Needs and your presence will only increase and, removing the distance factor will greatly help you all.
Mom had a stroke and we realized how very important it was for one of us to be really close by to get to the hospital if she had a medical emergency.
Somewhere down the road, you are going to need them close by you.
He had spent his entire life in that Metro area and had a vast community of life-long friends (the closest of them conveniently lived less than 5 minutes from the best nursing home in the area) and a very strong spiritual community.
He had visitors almost every day for the 3 years he was in that SNF. I FaceTimed him 2-3 times every day. I kept in close contact with his friends by text (they would let me know after they visited and I would let them know if there was anything medical going on).
I'd been asked if I didn't want to move him closer to me but I am incredibly grateful that I made the choice I did. Had he been here, I would have been his only visitor. As it was, he was able to continue to live surrounded by many people who cared about him, despite him being bedridden. I've never regretted that choice.
eventually things get tougher , and then you will have to move her again.
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