My loved one is resisting moving into assisted living. What can I do?
He denies he needs more care than he’s currently getting in a retirement facility for seniors. His doctor tells him he needs the change to keep him safe, but he resists. What can I do.
You might discuss the doctor's report with the retirement facility. The independent retirement facility my MIL was in would evaluate residents and if they were a safety risk to themselves or others, they would give notice that they need to find another place to live. If you have a copy of the contract, you might see a clause in there about that. They might be able to help you convince him that he needs to move to a safer environment. Sometimes having a caretaker come in would be sufficient but that can be expensive, and you'll likely have to move him at some point anyway.
My MIL's independent facility had Assisted Living services so she was on med mgmt. But her dementia was accelerating and they warned us that should it get worse, we would be asked to move her. So we looked at AL facilities with memory care units as she didn't seem quite ready for memory care. She recognized she needed more help but was resistant because of change and also because she had friends. My hubbie and I toured AL/memory care facilities and narrowed it down to three. We had her go on another tour with us to those three facilities. The staff was wonderful and she like all three but had a favorite which happened to be ours too. She felt she was part of the decision even though we probably would have steered her towards are favorite had it not been hers. Next week, we move her into the Memory Care Unit as she has declined enough for it.
Facilities will often invite the prospective resident and family for lunch and sometimes have them visit with residents who generally will tell them how much they love it. If you haven't already toured some facilities, do so and tell them about your resistant father. It will not be new to them and they may have some suggestions.
Difficult since might need more info but if able consider hired caregiver in his present situation - he’s safe and secure and this alternative might be more affordable especially if you can go privately or through care.com. Assisted living is extremely expensive and might blow through his savings and many just discharge when money runs out and you will be back at square one anyway. If money isn’t an object find one that has a continuum of care so that when and if he needs snf he is all ready settled and able to just change area.
If the younger generation has taught us anything, it's to video whatever you see and hear. Try it for a month and set an appointment with the doctor and your hubby to share your video. Interview staff and any friends to get a sense of what goes on in your absence. Maybe his facility will permit you to install a camera of some sort, like they have for babies.
Focus on safety point... Enlist his input and perhaps seek to ask him to help you by agreeing to move into ALF; That him being in ALF, will help you, knowing he has help in event that you could not be there.... Also affirm to him that you realize that moving is tiring/ exhausting and can even cause grief leaving one place for another even their is for well being for you both. Give him some choices of places and some timelines to choose from to make decisions etc. That way he is retaining some control within appropriate boundaries of compliance for safety ( moving). If he is assessed by PCP as cognitively appropriate to make his own decisions, then there will need to be this type of negotiation with him setting firm but respectful boundaries for him to make a decision. If he is of sound mind and, adamantly refuses, then his wishes as " patient rights" may have to be honored. Be sure that if you are his designated POA, that all appropriate paper work is in place for you to make decisions for him. You can also let him know that because PCP is recommending him to be in ALF or another level of care , then the senior place where he is now may not allow him to remain there for safety and liability reasons. Check with that administration. If he is not cognitively appropriate to make safe appropriate decisions then, go forward with making the move decision and place for him and, gently and respectfully arrange and facilitate the transition while addressing his grief and anxiety over the issue. Good luck.
Good luck! We moved our sister into a very nice place and she hates our guts! She loved the place for a few months but she won’t hardly leave her room — and gets verbally abusive when one of us show up. She wants a bigger place with a stove and fridge — no one can afford that — she’s not getting financial aid yet. Plus we’re not sure she should be using a stove! She’s safe where she is — hopefully one day she will adjust! Safe is the key word!
What relationship is he to you... your father? Are you his PoA? Does he have a PoA? If you are not his PoA you don't have any power in this situation except to contact his PoA (if he has one) to alert that person to your LO's situation. If your LO doesn't have a PoA then you will need to call APS if things get bad enough for him where he currently lives, and report him as a vulnerable adult.
What sort of care is he currently receiving, and what do you expect in ALF?
We welcome you to the Forum, and if you fill out your profile for us we can access what your's and your loved one's situation is currently, and what might be needed for the future.
If the “He” in your life is cognizant then he gets to make his own decisions. It is his life.
If you are enabling him by propping him up so that he thinks he is living independently, then it falls on you to back away until he acknowledges he needs more help or finds himself in an ER due to an event that his living circumstances could have possibly prevented and at that point decides to accept more help.
Sometimes it is worth it to the elder to go through the “event” before moving because they would rather die or live disabled than accept facility care. That’s on him.
What is on you is deciding where you will draw the line as a caregiver.
If he is cognizant have a frank conversation and let him know the corner he has you painted into and how it affects you. Many elders don’t feel they can be empathetic to their caregivers as they are fighting for their own life and have lost the ability to see that their chosen lifestyle is no longer sustainable and is placing a hardship on others.
If he has the funds to hire caregivers to take your place, then that would be a choice. Might not be possible for him if he can’t manage that responsibility.
If he is not competent to make his own decisions and someone is his DPOA, then it is time to read that document and see what powers were transferred to the agent and how they can be implemented.
If he refuses to cooperate, guardianship is the next step and you will have to decide if that is for you. It is both time consuming and expensive.
Eventually the state will take guardianship if his activities and health condition reaches a point that such action is deemed appropriate for his social economical standing and location and pressure from friends, family or neighbors demand action be taken.
Sometimes, often, almost always, it is a wait and see situation. I think you would agree it would be hard to give up your last home regardless of how miserable a place it might be to anyone other than “he”.
I wish you luck. Sometimes it can go smoothly. Other-times, not so much. More detailed information might get you a better answer.
Don't argue with him. Be less available. If he brings it up, refer him to what his doctor recommended and then go out and get an ice cream cone. Don't bring him one.
He is the one with the health problem that caused this situation, but you're the one who has to deal with it. Instead of being the long-suffering wife, be the breezy wife who has a busy life that needs tending. The more you're around, the more he'll beat up on you. Refuse to become the punching bag over a life situation where you're doing the very best you can.
His mindset is where it's going to stay, and you can't control that. Yeah yeah yeah, wives are trained that way (or you wouldn't be asking what can YOU do). YOU can't control what's happening to him and all the fallout thereof, but YOU can control what flavor of ice cream you order. What sounds best today - plain vanilla or rocky road?
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My MIL's independent facility had Assisted Living services so she was on med mgmt. But her dementia was accelerating and they warned us that should it get worse, we would be asked to move her. So we looked at AL facilities with memory care units as she didn't seem quite ready for memory care. She recognized she needed more help but was resistant because of change and also because she had friends. My hubbie and I toured AL/memory care facilities and narrowed it down to three. We had her go on another tour with us to those three facilities. The staff was wonderful and she like all three but had a favorite which happened to be ours too. She felt she was part of the decision even though we probably would have steered her towards are favorite had it not been hers. Next week, we move her into the Memory Care Unit as she has declined enough for it.
Facilities will often invite the prospective resident and family for lunch and sometimes have them visit with residents who generally will tell them how much they love it. If you haven't already toured some facilities, do so and tell them about your resistant father. It will not be new to them and they may have some suggestions.
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Enlist his input and perhaps seek to ask him to help you by agreeing to move into ALF; That him being in ALF, will help you, knowing he has help in event that you could not be there.... Also affirm to him that you realize that moving is tiring/ exhausting and can even cause grief leaving one place for another even their is for well being for you both.
Give him some choices of places and some timelines to choose from to make decisions etc. That way he is retaining some control within appropriate boundaries of compliance for safety ( moving). If he is assessed by PCP as cognitively appropriate to make his own decisions, then there will need to be this type of negotiation with him setting firm but respectful boundaries for him to make a decision. If he is of sound mind and, adamantly refuses, then his wishes as
" patient rights" may have to be honored. Be sure that if you are his designated POA, that all appropriate paper work is in place for you to make decisions for him. You can also let him know that because PCP is recommending him to be in ALF or another level of care , then the senior place where he is now may not allow him to remain there for safety and liability reasons.
Check with that administration. If he is not cognitively appropriate to make safe appropriate decisions then, go forward with making the move decision and place for him and, gently and respectfully arrange and facilitate the transition while addressing his grief and anxiety over the issue.
Good luck.
What sort of care is he currently receiving, and what do you expect in ALF?
We welcome you to the Forum, and if you fill out your profile for us we can access what your's and your loved one's situation is currently, and what might be needed for the future.
Best to you.
If you are enabling him by propping him up so that he thinks he is living independently, then it falls on you to back away until he acknowledges he needs more help or finds himself in an ER due to an event that his living circumstances could have possibly prevented and at that point decides to accept more help.
Sometimes it is worth it to the elder to go through the “event” before moving because they would rather die or live disabled than accept facility care. That’s on him.
What is on you is deciding where you will draw the line as a caregiver.
If he is cognizant have a frank conversation and let him know the corner he has you painted into and how it affects you. Many elders don’t feel they can be empathetic to their caregivers as they are fighting for their own life and have lost the ability to see that their chosen lifestyle is no longer sustainable and is placing a hardship on others.
If he has the funds to hire caregivers to take your place, then that would be a choice. Might not be possible for him if he can’t manage that responsibility.
If he is not competent to make his own decisions and someone is his DPOA, then it is time to read that document and see what powers were transferred to the agent and how they can be implemented.
If he refuses to cooperate, guardianship is the next step and you will have to decide if that is for you.
It is both time consuming and expensive.
Eventually the state will take guardianship if his activities and health condition reaches a point that such action is deemed appropriate for his social economical standing and location and pressure from friends, family or neighbors demand action be taken.
Sometimes, often, almost always, it is a wait and see situation. I think you would agree it would be hard to give up your last home regardless of how miserable a place it might be to anyone other than “he”.
I wish you luck. Sometimes it can go smoothly. Other-times, not so much. More detailed information might get you a better answer.
He is the one with the health problem that caused this situation, but you're the one who has to deal with it. Instead of being the long-suffering wife, be the breezy wife who has a busy life that needs tending. The more you're around, the more he'll beat up on you. Refuse to become the punching bag over a life situation where you're doing the very best you can.
His mindset is where it's going to stay, and you can't control that. Yeah yeah yeah, wives are trained that way (or you wouldn't be asking what can YOU do). YOU can't control what's happening to him and all the fallout thereof, but YOU can control what flavor of ice cream you order. What sounds best today - plain vanilla or rocky road?