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Paganini Asked June 2023

I really, really don't like her!

My mother has always been a very difficult, selfish person. The short version is that she was violent and abusive with me. However, she presents herself to others as though she is a lovely person (which is not to say that I am the only person who knows the ugly side of her - anyone she sees very often eventually learns to get away from her). She lies to everyone about everyone, but people seem to think they are the only one she doesn't speak badly about, and they seem to believe her lies. In the result, everyone hates everyone else. I've heard her lie to people about me.


 


I'm a kind person, and I'm generous as far as I am able. About six months ago she roped me in again. I should have known better as that was about the 24 time! She moved herself to a nearby town (an hour away). I found myself driving in weather I considered to be unsafe to do things for her (take her meals, etc.). I had to buy new tires for my vehicle which I wouldn't have had to buy otherwise. Meanwhile, she gave $40,000 to a grandson, and $20,000 to another granddaughter. She's now giving her another $20,000. She's 95. She has me in her will to receive her junk after everyone chooses what they would like to have (which she is giving to them now). She has $60,000 in a joint account with me, which is there for me to take care of things should I need to (her things - it isn't for me). She sometimes gives me some money for gas, and sometimes for groceries. But, it doesn't cover my expenses, and I (sadly) have more debt than I should at my age, so I don't have money to spend on her. Most of this money is going into accounts for the education of great-grandchildren. Meanwhile, she flatly refused to help me in any way. I didn't go to university until age 37, because that's when I was able financially. When my student loans were paid off, I retired (sort of like that). This money she's giving, she told my cousins in front of me how she believes in education and that's why she is doing this. She said to them that she pestered me for many years to go to university, and finally I did (not remotely),


 


I'm forbidden to ever consider a retirement home for her. She was suppose to be getting meals and housekeeping where she is, but doesn't like the meals or meal times, and complains about the housekeeping so that they refuse her. She hates meals on wheels I arranged, and another meal service. So, I've been cooking for her so that she has several meals a week from me. She won't tolerate home care. I drive there to take her to appointments sometimes, or shopping. (Costs me $35.) She takes shocking risks. I've had to go there a couple of times for emergencies. She has four other kids, 3 of whom I cared for for a few years until I was apprehended to foster homes and group homes. She's completely estranged from two, and pretty much from the other two. I'm the only one (and I mean the only one of children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, etc.) doing anything, and she is slagging me all over the place.


 


So, here's the thing: She tells her daughters their husbands are bums (they aren't) and don't bring them around. "You're welcome to come but not with them." She's trashing grandchildren's spouses. I don't have a spouse or children. (Big surprise.) But I do have a dog. She's now told me she likes me to visit and bring meals, but don't ever bring my dog again, and went on to slag the dog, etc.. I could go on and on about this and make it sound a lot worse (and it is).


 


So ... Go! I know the answer, I guess. I just need to hear it from others right now.


 


(There's a reason "the good die young". It's because the ugly ones get their stress out bashing everyone around them and the good ones worry and fret about stuff.)

Beatty Jun 2023
Welcome.

I have one question for you:
At what age do you consider you are allowed to say no to your Mother?

lealonnie1 Jun 2023
"I'm forbidden to ever consider a retirement home for her." If I were you, I'd forbid myself to do one more thing for the woman. Let her calls go to voicemail. Stop propping her up, enabling her to feel "independent " at your expense, so she can avoid the dreaded AL, which is like an upscale hotel with caregivers onsite. Her $$$ should be used for that, and not as a promised prize to hand out to family members who do as they're instructed.

You get to call the shots now, not some entitled 95 year old who tells you to jump and you ask "how high, mother"? Look after yourself now, at 71, before she outlives you and there's no "inheritance" to pick thru. It's okay to do that, in fact it's long overdue. And you know it.....so put a plan into action and quit allowing yourself to be a doormat! You deserve a better life. Let the abusive behavior stop TODAY by saying I'M DONE.

Good luck to you.

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Isthisrealyreal Jun 2023
Paginin, tell her she can go to an adult Foster care home and bye-bye!

Stop letting her abuse you. Walking away is completely okay. It doesn't mean you are not a nice person.

I would be using her money from that joint account to reimburse myself for every penny I have spent on her. It is by law your money too, that's what a joint account is, joint.

BartleyLove Jun 2023
I can relate to this so much. My mom is very demanding as well. There comes a point when you learn to say no and stand up for yourself. She is using you because you allow it, my mother does the same thing. If you want it to stop you have to stop allowing it. You have to say no. For a long time my mother would demand things very specifically as example her food, she wanted her bread buttered perfectly and completely melted, I couldn't make a peanut butter and jelly properly for her. It was horrible. It made me feel worthless, incapable, unfit, etc. Until I learned to say no. I stopped asking her what she wanted, she would get what I was cooking or she could choose not to eat. I would make her something and if it wasn't good enough then she could choose not to eat it. She would demand things and I would say no. She never used to say please or thank you or treat me with any respect or kindness until I made her. If she wants something and you are the one doing everything she needs to treat you respectfully and with kindness. You are doing her a service. She needs you. It is not ok for her to take advantage of you and use you and treat you badly. This is literally the hardest thing to have to go through with a parent and I truly feel your pain and suffering. You can do it though. You can say no. You can set up services and if she doesn't like them that is her problem not yours. It is not ok to walk over people and treat them terribly and expect them to honor your demands. Honor yourself, honor what you want. You will still be a kind, loving, caring person if you tell her no, if you demand respect and kindness. Standing up for yourself and your needs does not make you selfish or bad. I believe in you and I truly hope the best for you. <3
Beatty Jun 2023
"You will still be a kind, loving, caring person if you tell her no".

This. So important. Kindness does not mean obey.

Kind people are kind to themself too.
AlvaDeer Jun 2023
We cannot help you, imho. You need counseling advice in order to stop yourself from enabling this person you say you don't like, and in order to comb out some of the enmeshment with your Mom.

Most people avoid people they don't like. That's natural human instinct for our own protection.

I would suggest a Licensed Social Worker in private practice or GOOD psychologist, one who will help you form boundaries. One who will shake up your habitual ways of thinking.
The last thing you need is another "listener" on a Forum or anywhere else who will sympathize with the sad stories. That's lovely, but it doesn't help anything.

Wanting what works for you and wishing you the best.

I wish you the best.
Paganini Jun 2023
Your response - I've thought about it a lot since I saw it. Frankly, it's just plain hurtful, as are a few others. I guess you have the money to spend $200 an hour on counseling. You ignore that I worry about $35 for gas. Your comment will stick with me as something unnecessarily unkind, and a reminder not to bother with a place like this if I want to survive. "The last thing you need is another 'listener'...". Perhaps you could stop and think about responding to a post such as mine. Maybe just scroll by. Frankly, your response has made me feel a lot worse than I did. But, I'm sure you can also explain that short-coming to me.
Mountaingyrl Jun 2023
You only talk about what she wants, not what you want. You are enabling her to treat you like she does because you allow her to do it. You are destroying your own mental, physical and financial health for someone who doesn't value what you do.

Walk away, let her figure it out. If that is too big a step than start to only support, her in ways that are easy for you. At that point she will either decide she wants external support and meals. She won't change so you need to, or accept it.
Paganini Jun 2023
If I am honest, I want her out of my life.
MeDolly Jun 2023
Cut the cord, stop the bleeding, I haven't spoken to my mother in over 12 years, don't throw away any more of your life for her, she doesn't deserve your support.

Time to back out of the picture, get some therapy if needed, do it now, no more dilly dallying around.

CTTN55 Jun 2023
"I'm a kind person."

Is this self-perception why you have allowed yourself to become enslaved?

So you're doing her meals, and she's refused housekeeping. Are you doing that, too? What's the plan for when she can no longer live at home? I'm sure HER plan is for you to move in with her. Is that what you are going to do?

What if she needs a facility? Since she's gifting her grandchildren right and left, that might mean a big penalty if she tries to qualify for Medicaid to pay for a NH.

I think you have a good idea -- let the grandchildren (and their mothers) take responsibility for her. Are you her POA? HCPOA? If so, resign these assignments immediately.

"But she has already made enough of my life very, very hard. I'm not going to give her my later years as well."

You wrote this back in December. What have you changed since then?

Beatty Jun 2023
Your Mom moved closer to you.

You stepped back into her life to help her.

The only reason I found in your post is "I'm a kind person, and I'm generous as far as I am able".

So now you are cooking, cleaning, driving & more for Mom.

So what's actually the problem?

Countrymouse Jun 2023
The $60K in the joint account is there for you to use for your mother's expenses, which includes your travel costs (when you are travelling solely on her behalf) and any groceries you purchase for her. So when you say the money she gives you doesn't cover your expenses... why aren't you using the money in the account set up precisely for that purpose?

I'm not clear what happened or when, but if there were five of you children altogether, and you were looking after three of them, and your mother was violent and abusive: is this adding up to a lady with a lifelong history of major problems and the family wreckage that goes with it? It sounds as if the five of you have come well out of it somehow, because it takes grit and fiber to get yourself educated, married, raise children after experiences like that.

I know you already know the answer to statements you've made such as "I'm forbidden to ever consider a retirement home for her." But what it boils down to is this. It isn't for you to consider her options, it's for her to do so, and what you have to do is stop being an option. Which involves saying no - at least to anything you aren't freely willing to undertake. Get whatever support, therapy, back-up you need to be able to do that. To stop being afraid of her.

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