Struggling to care for FIL. What is the best way to communicate my feelings to my family?

I will try to make this as brief as I can. 10 years ago, I moved in with my boyfriend and his father. It was meant to be temporary however his father continued to decline in health. He has COPD and emphysema and was put on oxygen in 2019. In 2021, I decided to buy my first home. We had his father come with us, because the only other option was to leave him where he was and he wasn’t physically well enough to care for himself or the home.

I bought my home because it specifically offered first floor living for my FIL. The bathroom is maybe 8 feet away, kitchen is 10 feet. It was perfect. He did well in the beginning and was able to do most things himself but in July 2022, we all came down with COVID. Ever since then, he barely leaves his bed. I started bringing him everything he needed, including food/drinks, etc.

Then, about 2 months ago, he had a random bout of what he said was diarrhea. He had accidents in his pajamas almost daily. We got him Depends, thinking this was a temporary situation however ever since then, he will only have bowel movements in the Depends regardless of how often we tell him he needs to use the toilet. His doctors said he was constipated and the stool was the loose stool coming out however this has been going on for two months now.

My SIL is the only one willing to change his Depends and shower him and she only comes here once, maybe twice a week. He will soil himself and sit in it until my SIL comes to clean him. He is capable of cleaning himself up, because he has done it before, though I know it takes a lot of energy.

I pushed my SIL to get home care, so now for the last week there has been a nurse, physical therapist, occupational therapist and social worker here. The nurse comes, takes his vitals (which are always good) and then leaves. He has very little interest in therapy. He will do the exercises while they are here but doesn’t do them when they are gone. He refuses to get up and move every hour, even though that’s what the nurse instructed him to do. It seems like all he wants to do is lay in his bed and have everything done for him with no effort on his part.

As this progresses, I have increasingly become more frustrated and unhappy. I don’t like being home. I work a hybrid schedule so I am home 3 days a week and I am responsible for bringing him all of his meals and medications and must be here when home care comes to see him. My SIL bathes him once a week but once we obtain an aide, her job will be done except to come visit him when she has time.

I feel extreme guilt for what I’m about to say but I don’t want to do this. I care about his well being and that is why I have stepped up and have done what I’ve done thus far but I never anticipated caring for him on a daily basis for the rest of his life. I truly feel as though a nursing home would be better for him but my SIL will say no because of the money factor and my FIL does not want to be in a home.

My SIL, who works in a nursing home, has said she would have him live with her but she has not made any action to move forward with that plan.

I don’t know how to explain to them that I didn’t want to take on this responsibility without feeling like I’m being extremely selfish. We have a family meeting scheduled this weekend and I know when I tell them I don’t want to care for their father in this way, they are going to tell me that I invited him to live with us so I can not ask him to leave. I fear they will make me feel guilty and selfish but I also feel as though this shouldn’t be my responsibility. I also fear having to look my FIL in the face and tell him I don’t want to care for him. What kind of heartless person does that make me? I never wanted to make him feel like a burden but I also don’t want to be unhappy either.

Please, any advice will help.