My mom has esophageal cancer as I have posted before
I have 2 "good" friends I used to talk to quite a bit about the situation at the beginning.
My oldest friend (23 years) gave me a bunch of suggestions that didn't work because she doesn't understand my parents
Neither friend seems to care anymore at this point
They don't respond I ask for a call and am told "I can't"
They say when the chips are down you find out who your true friends are
what if they never were true friends? It's hard to think you spent all that time with someone who wasted so much of your time.
Anyway I blocked both "friends"
Just venting
17 Answers
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REALLY DAMN GOOD... :(
Don' make that mistake, please. We used to have BBQ's etc. Nobody...we can har the crickets outside. It is so easy to isolate yourself...
Nobody wants to hear it. It's the same story, but another day... They don't understand what it takes for you to get through this day with MOM. It hurts..
Friends want you to be uplifting back up and happy... We can't do that when our loved ones are compromised... and we are here to worry about them, take care of them as well as we can..
Positive affirmations in the morning... some how some way...
But we need to consider our friends and not drag them down either. Practice Smiling around them? smile and tell a fun story.
If they ask about mom, just keep it short... I am glad you asked... Thank you for caring... Leave it at that.
Anyway, friends are harder to get the older we get. Isolating yourself is not good. It's tough... very tough... but let yourself have a little break in the week... see your friends... They are not used to this, and they don't understand, they just want you to be "normal" again... smile.. keep them in your corner...
come here to clear your mind.. It's what this platform was built for, I believe... It has helped me over the years.
It has helped a lot of people over the years. You are not alone, NOT AT ALL.
Do your whining here..... get it off your chest; go have a wine day with your friends, and come back and tell us how your day went :)
If asked I will tell my friends what is happening with my caregiving slog and am quick to change the subject. When I am with my friends I want to not think about it. I prefer to hear about their lives.
Everyone has their crosses to bear in life, I try to remember that mine is no larger than most peoples’.
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I had a friend who complained all the time about her life. Any suggestions made to help improve it were shot down. It comes down to, if your going to complain, be ready for suggestions. Are you saying at the time a suggestion is being made "that won't work because". At 73 I am finding its better to say "I may try that" or "sounds good". If later your asked if the suggestion worked...not with my parents. And, people get tired of listening to negative things. Its not they don't care or understand but it maybe depressing to them.
And people have their lives.
When I got divorced back in 1999 it consumed my life. It was all I talked about and after awhile my friends got tired of hearing about it. They couldn't relate. I didn't drop them as friends.
To have a friend you have to be one. If it all about you and your issues all the time you are not being a friend to them. It is a two way street. Sure sometimes one person benefits more than the other but there still has to be a give and take.
I developed a good friend in a coworker because we were both dealing with a difficult elderly parent. We also had the same mindset that that we refused to let this consume or life. She said I was the only person she could be totally honest with about how she felt dealing with her mother. It was assumed a woman should give up her life to care for an elderly parent and act as if it was some sort of blessing to do so and we both knew it wasn't.
MD1748's thoughts on friends changing throughout our lives is such a valid point. We need new friends to support our new situations, friends that can identify with our struggles.
There was a children's song about making new friends while keeping the old. Both are equal treasures.
Being a friend is a two way street, many times caregivers lose their focus, their life, as they are so absorbed with their LO and their issues.
I have two in homes, one AL the other MC, if asked, I will give a brief update, that is it, I actually never bring them up otherwise as everyone has their own crosses to bear.
Might be time to get a little therapy to work through the issue. Take care!
I agree with the comment below: Don't block your friends right now. You can talk here, and perhaps you can find someone who will provide you another place to talk (like a counselor or the like).
Meanwhile, I don't plan to spend time with those folks any time soon.
If they ask where have you been, tell them u got the impression they were tired of you.