tacobeef Asked June 2023

Should we consider phone removal?

I speak to my mother several times a day. She never remembers that I visit her, take her out and call her. Around 3pm till 7pm she starts chain calling me and leaving upsetting messages then others when she gets tired of calling me and I get tired of answering. Would it be wrong to ask the caregiver to disconnect the phone after 3pm or would that worsen the situation? I can't relax or enjoy my afternoon anticipating the calls asking me to take her to her mother's house or ask me over and over about family members that if alive would be over 110 years old.

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We got Dad a Raz phone. It is controllable from your cell phone. You can turn her phone off at certain hours, have an intermediary for 911 calls, limit the people she can call, and other things. It was well worth it

Helpful Answer (17)

Your mom is Sundowning in the late afternoons which is causing her agitation and creating the need to make these upsetting calls. My mother did the same thing. I had the doctor write her a prescription for Ativan .5 mg which calmed her down quite a bit, which is the true goal here......the anxiety brought on by thinking her parents and relatives are still alive and awaiting her arrival is a terrible thing. As is you having to take all the repeated phone calls.

I'd turn off my phone if I were you, or the ringer at least. You can ask the CG to unplug moms phone, too, and see how it goes, but I'd ask for calming meds first and foremost.

Dementia is the worst, and I wish you and mom the best of luck with all of this.

Helpful Answer (10)

Block her # from 3pm to 7pm, or the rest of the night. Unblock in the morning.

The care giver will call if there is an issue.

IMO you talk to her too many times as it is, several times a day? What for?

Set your boundary and stick to it, the ball is in your court.

Helpful Answer (10)

I just got out of my latest therapy session where my therapist reminded me that it is perfectly ok for me to never answer the phone from my MIL if I don’t want to.

You can put her on no call if you have a smart phone or you can put your phone on do not disturb.

You do not have to answer and you also do not have to listen to it ring.

Helpful Answer (7)

Of course, disconnect the phone or block her number during the hours you don't want to talk with her. We never have to talk with anyone we don't want to.

You have a right to your peace and privacy, and she won't remember she called and you didn't answer. Or, if you want to have fun, converse and tell her what she wants to hear. "Why, yes, I heard from Aunt Mehitabelle just last week. She said to tell you she'll visit as soon as she gets back from Istanbul." No harm in making the conversation interesting for both of you.

Helpful Answer (6)

Where my mom was in memory care the residents were not allowed phones because they called the police and fire department too often. I had to call and they'd take a phone to her. If your mom is in a facility or has home care, let those people handle the issue, but I think you should be able to call her to chat when you are not busy. If she is alone you might just need to put up with it and try to calm her with made up excuses for why she can't go home or stories about how the dead relatives are doing now. Hopefully in her state of mind she is not alone though.

Helpful Answer (5)

Same for the facility my mom is in currently. Phones are not allowed for those exact reasons (calling 911 and family members and wrong numbers at all hours of the day and night) but residents can use the facility phone during business hours with assistance and supervision and family and friends can also call that number to speak with the resident. After having to deal with so many calls each day and night from my mom at her last facility, we are so grateful for her current facility's policy. Mom complains about not having her cellphone but often forgets she can ask to use the facility phone unless she has a particular need or complaint. I've given her a list of her frequently called phone numbers but she often also forgets she has that. The staff and administrator call or text me if they need to and they know I pay attention but screen calls from there so they leave me messages. If it is urgent I call them back right away but if it isn't urgent, I can call back whenever it is convenient for me. My mom leaves a message usually also and that's super helpful because sometimes it's related to something she needs or wants me to buy for her, so I can order it and either have it delivered there or bring it when I go to visit. Sometimes she leaves a message because she has a question about something in her past that she wants me to help her remember, like the name of a person or where they live. Those messages help me keep track of her requests and help her feel she's communicated her needs. I also like them because most of the time they're pleasant, and one day she'll be gone and I'll have recordings of her voice.

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Block her number at 3 and unblock it again at 7. Wouldn't that be an awful lot easier?

Helpful Answer (5)

Is she in a center with other people or is it just her and a caregiver?

What would happen if you just didn't answer the calls (block the number or just let it ring?) Does the caregiver know how to get hold of you if you did not answer your phone?

I don't think you should remove the phone. Your Mom doesn't see anything wrong in her actions. On top of that, in her mind, to her, everything is important enough for you to be notified. That being said, you need to do something on your end (e.g. block the call, let it ring and let it go to v-mail.). However, what ever you do, you still need to be available so that either the Head Nurse or the caregiver can get hold of you during these times. If you remove the phone, your Mom may feel abandoned, and that will lead to a different set of behavior problems.

The other issue could be that she is lonely. Is she in a group setting or is it only her and a caregiver? If she is in a group setting, talk to the Head Nurse to see what they recommend to do. If it is just her and the caregiver, see if the caregiver could play some games or do exercises with her during this time period to distract her.

Contrary to popular belief, people with dementia can learn new behaviors. It just takes them longer to learn the lesson.

Before you implement any suggestion about not answering the phone, you need to tell the Head Nurse and the caregiver how to get hold of you during these times.

Good luck!

Helpful Answer (5)

Why does she even have a phone. I know no one at my MIL’s Alzheimer’s unit has one. You say she has a caregiver but don’t say if it is at home or a nursing home but either way if something happens, they will call you. Answer her call once a day or every few days and block her the rest of the time. There is no point in your life being ruined. Like other people mentioned, have her doctor put her on a tranquilizer. At this point in their life, does it really matter that they become addicted.

Helpful Answer (5)

In the profile the OP states mom is living at home.

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tacobeef: What your mother is doing is commonly known as Sundowning, late day agitation. Perhaps she could benefit from an anti anxiety medication. You could turn the ringer of your phone off at those particular hours.

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Should we consider phone removal?

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