I was the sole primary caregiver for dad up until he died recently at home. No family support prior to his death. Days after died dad, family accused me of elder abuse for both parents via attorney's demand letter. No truth to their allegations, no grounds for litigation. This caused my PTSD to be rampant and I'm still wrecked. My sister joined the bandwagon to smear me, she's a malignant narcissistic /sociopath with a history of violence. I have gone no contact with her for many years. Caring for my parents fell on me by default. Both parents abused me as a child and only until the end, my dad finally saw me. Too late. Being disabled and on a fixed income, forced me to live with them.
Mom's still independent with her ADLs. Recent checkup deemed not incapacitated. After consulting with a geriatric counselor, doctor, social worker and attorney, they all agree I need legal protection from my sister. This is someone who went 7 months not visiting our parents, never calling mom, no relationship with her to the point of not ever acknolwedging mom's birthdays, mother's days, Christmas all the while living 5 minutes from us. Family has been after me to get me out of the way so they can declare her incapacitated and get a hold of mom's trust.
To up date mom's estate papers after dad's death, she was referred to an attorney who was a poor fit not having any experience in elder law. She totally manipulated mom, broke their contracted agreement by over charging, broke attorney-client privileged information spoke to a 3rd party without mom's consent, and withheld the invoice; all ethics violations. Plus, she gave her terrible advice despite mom telling her sibling and I are not on speaking terms. Attorney advised mom to have golden one and I jointly on her DPOA and Successor Trustee. Advanced Health Care Directive has me listed first as her agent, then my sister. I'm the executor of her will. Initially all the papers updated mom wanted me as primary agent since I live with her and take care of her, and sibling as alternate. At the notary signing appointment, attorney made a last minute switch. Mom later told me she didn't understand what she signed when making those changes. She thought putting us jointly 50/50 was about our inheritance. Mom doesn't have strong command of the English language, has a nervous personality to begin with and quick to be easily influenced. Mom's doctor intervened. He spoke to attorney but she was not receptive to the doctor's concerns having 2 daughters on non speaking terms as jointly! Attorney became accusatory and the conversation derailed.
I consulted elsewhere and attorney said we have to go back to this horrible attorney and fix these papers. I already know she's going to question mom's motives. Each time I've tried to do right by mom, it's always imploded back on me. It's also nerve wrecking being told I remain a target and family will find any reason to come after me. I'm in a constant state of anxiety, panic, self-doubt, and cry constantly. I'm hyper-vigilant, have trouble sleeping and feel awfully alone. My 2 cats died a week apart while dealing with all of this and I miss them terribly. Their deaths were sudden and unexpected. One had organ failure, the other had problems with her pancreas. Neither had any symptoms until it became apparent. I have no social life; everything is constantly about my mom's needs. I question my faith and having doubts about God.
This has consumed so much space in my head. All this constant worry and anxiety. None of this is worth the toll it has taken on my health... and I don't know how to make it better for me. How to shut off over thinking, constant anxiety, etc. not until these papers are changed, I have no way of protecting myself. Mom's doctor has been urging me I need professional help because my sister is going to make things worse.
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Without these, and with this family and the convoluted history this will be a legal mess.
If you live with and "care for" your mother this must be legally done with meticulous record keeping you can present before a court. It is a Fiduciary duty to have the records.
If your mother is mentally incompetent you need guardianship.
If she is completely competent you need an AIRTIGHT GOOD POA putting you in charge, and a CARE CONTRACT stipulating Mom's monthly shared living costs (not rental which is reportable as income to the IRS if this is your home).
I doubt that any of us can follow all that is happening with the familial problems here; nor are we privy to documents in place, nor your mom's condition.
We also are getting your side of this story only, and it is so confused I personally have a hard time following it.
This is legal work. You need a good attorney.
@MD1748 thanks for your support. The elder abuse attorneys through the state bar in my area were only for financial abuse. There is a very short list of elder law attorneys in my area. It seems like all the good ones are taken, and the ones we've had are not only sub-par for the sake of revenue, but do a sloppy job. I've since learned through the sordid ordeal of defending myself, not all elder law attorneys here practice the full scope area of the law. Meaning, the one that represented me, only did litigation. She did not draw up care giver plans, she did not do Medicaid/Medi-cal planning. She did not specialize in elder care, etc. The only one in our county that does, isn't available. I was also advised by mom's doctor not to pursue guardianship because the judge can throw out all of her papers and assign a fiduciary. Our best chance in fixing this is to remove my sister as jointly.
Responses to you have suggested that your situation is complicated, and requires an attorney.
You have replied that despite due diligence you have been unable to secure an attorney.
I must tell you, if you have family who has brought legal action against you via as you call it "an attorney's demand letter", then there is no way that WE here on Forum can help you, either.
I can only suggest you continue to seek counsel, and that when you are summoned to court, which it sounds you may be, that you go and tell the judge that you have been unable to secure legal counsel. Be certain to take along documents to prove you attempted to get counsel.
I can't really imagine what next steps might be, but I hope you will update us.
I'll know more next week if mom's attorney will help fix the mess she made. If not, then we can seek help elsewhere. I was advised by an attorney I have to show a paper trail as evidence we made this attempt with her attorney.
Last, these relatives did not go to the police to make their abuse case against me. Why? because in my state, it's illegal to tell a peace office of a false elder abuse claim, it's punishable by jail and fine. They used fear mongering which got them nothing.
Those of us who go to therapy are the same ones. Please don't forget that
You told us on the 16th that you would "know more" after your attorney appointment within that week.
Any update for us?
My situation is very similar to yours, but it's my brother and thank God he lives in another country. He flew in on the day my Dad died, and had me out of the house within two days. I had been Dad and Mum's carer. He took Mum to the accountant, real estate agents and the bank within the first week. I was so devastated that my Mother went along with him. When he realised she was reluctant to sell all her assets or give him cash, he never lessened the act, he rings her every three days now (he'd go months before the $), because they have become close (my Mother's words). She is worth millions and he dictates to her how she must spend it. Her being in her 70's and from a Greek background, she is relieved to have a man tell her what to do (as my Father did their whole marriage).
I fell apart, stopped working and haven't gotten out of bed in months, it was just too much. I'd come home to look after and alcoholic abusive father and now this betrayal. I always thought that my Father was the reason that the family was so dysfunctional, but we all do the dance. I have realised that my Mother is a very manipulative woman, who lies to me every time I see her. This has been the biggest shock, her lies and it rewrites my history.
So I really feel for where you're at. Know you can get out of it, slowly, but surely.
CHANGE ATTORNEYS. Get her to change the papers and then go elsewhere, make it the priority over the next 12 months, to have the paperwork fixed. That's what I've done, like you the solicitor (I'm in Australia that's what we call them) refused some legal requirements I'd asked for- I wanted POA but she said my Mother was still capable. She's not, her English is declining, and I have to do everything for her, she gets so confused, but that was the small loss. She has made her accountant the executor of her will, I fully expect my brother to take me to court after our Mother dies so this is a relief, it shows that I haven't manipulated the will writing process.
Get a cat, you need something to distract you and give love to.
If you're not ready, I work as a house sitter sometimes, because I don't have animals and can't commit to one right now, but I look after people's homes whilst they're on holiday, its through a website called TrustedHousesitters, here's a link; (https://www.trustedhousesitters.com/refer/RAF103051/?utm_source=copy-link&utm_medium=refer-a-friend&utm_campaign=refer-a-friend)
I like it because it's a change of scenery, and I'm with animals, its for free and it's a lovely community.
Accept that the sh** will hit the fan when your Mother passes, do everything you can to make things OK for yourself and then work at letting it go. I needed counselling and got it. You, like me, come from a dysfunctional family and you may be what is called the "scapegoat" a role often assigned to one child when they're young. For your sister to be a narcissist one of your parents was?
Know that one day you will have freedom from all this, so get yourself strong, counselling, and being kind to yourself.
Your exhausted and everything is worse when we're in that condition.
I pray - I hope you have a belief system, now's the time for it. I pray that I can forgive and forget my brother and forgive my Mother so as to have some type of relationship and happiness with her before she dies.
I pray that I find peace and can be happy regardless of what other people do.
The other relative who sued her accused her of elder abuse. We had independent witnesses testify on our behalf, we had the elderly relative on tape saying their wishes. Etc. Locked up tight.
In MIL’s defense, she might be a narcissist but she isn’t smart or cunning enough to do that. Plus, the elderly LO told everyone they knew at any chance they could get what their wishes were. Elderly LO had all faculties and cognition (in better shape in the 90s than I was in my 30s lol).
No abuse at all.
well, guess what? We lost at trial. The judge overturned TWO wills, the current and previous will and then inserted new people. We thought about an appeal, but I was too exhausted and we had already spent too much money. We needed to let it go even though it was costly. My point is, if your sister comes back at you after mom’s death, my advice is to settle with her and walk away. It’s not worth the lawsuit cost and stress, and apparently a judge can disregard your mom’s wishes and do what the judge wants. I pray you don’t have to go through it.