My mother moved in with us in April 2023 and I understand it is a huge change for her. It is for my husband and I as well. I believe, after a lot of research, that she has dementia, which explains a great many of the battles we are having. I feel angry, frustrated, and guilty. I have a full-time job, my own home-based business, and am also her caregiver. It seems to be taking over my days, nights, and weekends. I am usually a very positive, fun-loving person, but I am consumed by having to care for my mother. She fights me on so many things. She has started accusing me of over-medicating her when all I am giving her is her morning, afternoon, and evening meds the doctors have prescribed for her. She has been taking these meds for years before she moved in, but now she doesn't want to take them. Nearly all the food I make for her, I'm told, has no flavor and isn't sweet enough. Yes, she is diabetic. :) She is unable to live on her own and does not have the resources to live in assisted living. I cannot pay for it either. It has only been about 2 months and I am not sure how I am going to manage until she is gone. ANY advice would be welcome.
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Low income housing would not be good for Mom. She can no longer be left alone. She can't afford the cost of aides. Medicaid in home would not give you enough hours. Your only choice would be to find a nice Long-term care facility with Medicaid paying. Her SS and any pension will go to her care.
By taking your mom into your home you have now painted yourself into a corner that is going to be dreadfully difficult to get out of. I can only hope that you have a careplan and a shared living expenses contract in place (not rental which would be reportable to the IRS). If not, that is step one.
You should see an elder law attorney. You need now to know about your options present and future. You likely should have seen a good marriage counselor before this move; see one now if you didn't.
Time to wipe the word GUILT out of your lexicon now. Words we repeat to ourselves over and over are dreadfully important. GUILT infers that this is ALL YOUR FAULT. That you CAUSED your mother's failure. And that makes you RESPONSIBLE to fix it.
You didn't cause it.
You can't fix it.
Your own life should not be sacrificed to it.
You mom has had her life. She has no right to yours and your husband's as well.
See a counselor. It is late in the game but it is not TOO LATE. See an elder law attorney . If you are POA (and I hope you are) your mother's funds pay for his expert advice.
No one can make these choices but you yourself. You are not a Saint. It is a terrible job description, by the way.
I am so sorry for the position you are in. You got yourself here and you will need some time to carefully sort out if you want to give up your life for the next decades, or if you need to make some tough decisions that will be full of GRIEF (not guilt).
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I'm sure you realize from your research that you can't expect rational behavior from someone with dementia.
Paranoia and suspicion are par for the course. So is anger towards the main caregiver.
Find out if there is a Medicaid Assisted Living Waiver program in your state.
Find a qualified elder Law Attorney and arrange for a consultative visit with your mom. If she hasn't yet assigned you POA for health and finances, it is important to get that done before her ability to sign legal documents is gone.
Call your local Area Agency on Aging and ask for a "needs assessment" and case management services.
Also, read this,:
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/if-you-are-going-to-become-a-caregiver-480769.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�
Do you have other siblings to help with this situation? Does she get SS? Any pensions to afford a small apartment in section 8 housing?
You need to get on the phone/internet and see what is available in your area to help seniors such as her.
As you have figured out, this arrangement will not work! Think outside of the box as this will not get better, only worse.
Sending support your way.
Also, you should know that a sudden change in mental status can signal a UTI or other infection. If there is a sudden change in mental status, seek medical advice immediately.
You've gotten good advice about looking into Medicaid and long term care in Skilled Nursing for mom. You can become a friendly visitor who brings gifts and treats to her there instead of the resentful and burned out caregiver who ALWAYS bears the brunt of their wrath. My mother treated me like garbage and her caregivers in Memory Care Assisted Living like solid gold.
I'll give you advice on learning all you can about dementia so you're aware of what lies ahead. I suggest you read this 33 page booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. Lots of Do's and Don't tips for dealing with dementia sufferers are suggested in the booklet.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Alz.org is a great website with an 800 number to speak with a live person. Teepa Snow has wonderful videos on YouTube about techniques to use to deal with demented elders. The 36 Hour Day is is a very good reference type book you should pick up as well.
Best of luck to you.
Have you contacted your local Area Agency on Aging to see if there are any services she would qualify for?
Is she eligible for Medicaid? If so have you started the application process?
Is she a Veteran? Was her husband? If so would she qualify for any services through the VA?
Does she have a "formal" diagnosis of dementia?
Does she have other medical conditions other than being diabetic that might qualify her for Hospice? With Hospice you will get supplies and the help of the Hospice Team.
If mom has any income use some of her income for a Caregiver. Even 2 or 3 days a week would help.
Is there an Adult Day Program in your area. 2 or 3 days a week would give you both a break.