I had a blow-out with my mom. How do I avoid this?

Gosh, I hate that crap. That's a bully...

I sort of read some of your posts so I know you are taking steps to divorce her. In the meantime, put a stupid look on your face and say nothing. Don't listen, just go along your business. If you feel yourself starting to get angry, put on that stupid face and just go do something else reasonable, even if you have to go play a game on your phone right in front of her. Let her escalate....don't lose your cool...just keep keep that stupid look on your face while you do something else that allows you to ignore her and her tantrum.

One option would be to look on the internet to find exercises that strengthen your facial muscles or eyes. You just want to find something that consumes you so much that you can block her out. Meditation works good also.

...and make sure she doesn't have access to anything she could make you mad. Just give her the "I could give a darn less about what you are trying to do" look on your face. When do you start paying attention again? oh maybe 15-30 minutes. It has to be sufficiently long enough so that they are uncomfortable when they are ignored.

Another option for responses, is to use "Love and Logic" techniques. I took the series of classes when my daughter was a teenager. It had great ideas for responses.

Mom has no choice. She takes the room. You move her things in and her too. You make sure she is all comfy and leave. Like taking a child to the first day of school.

If I recall correctly, Mother claimed Brother and SIL were physically abusing her, so Grace rescued her.

There is a court case against them. Mother apparently voluntarily liquidated her assets to buy them a house which she put in their name.

Why not put her on a plane to California so she can go live with your brother and his wife in the house that she paid for?It's a blessing that you've found her a room and she will have somewhere to go. Then you can finally wash your hands of the responsibility of her which should not have been on you to begin with.If you gave some of her verbal abuse back to her and she had it coming, don't apologize because you are not wrong.I think my mother is very similar to yours. She does the same thing or tries to with me. I don't tolerate it for a second. I don't play games and you shouldn't either. If you believe that by ignoring her you would never see or speak to her again, you should do that. If that's your what your relationship with her is then that's your truth and you should live it.Stop trying to please her and be her rescuer. Lay it all on the table that she takes the rented room and reigns in her nasty behavior towards you or you will end all contact with her and she will be totally on her own. Then let her get a taste of what you not being in her life is like.

I skimmed your previous posts. Yes, you were certainly taken advantage of.

You may have found her a room to rent? And her SS will be enough?

Do you have POA/HCPOA for her? Does she still make her own decisions? If she still does make her own decisions, what if she refuses to go to the rented room?

Did you ever consult an elder attorney? And are the legal proceedings against your brother and his wife still going on?

Grace, who did she give her money to?

Look up Grey Rock as a technique for not interacting with someone who is a narcissistic. It's NOT just not talking to them.

You should also consider eviction as an option. If she is about to become homeless, that will open a myriad of social services driven options.

As Beatty likes to say, as long as YOU are the solution, there will be no other solution.

My SON pushes every button I own.

I let him know when he's gone too far and when he goes one step beyond what's OK, I walk out. I don't live with them, we just visit. And we stay in a hotel, so when this happens (and it usually does) I can leave.

If DH isn't with me, I call an Uber. Son knows what he has done and can choose to apologize and do better or deal with explaining to his kids why Nonny walked out of the house crying and is now back at the hotel.

I have to set really tight boundaries with him. He thinks it's beyond hilarious to get under my skin. I hate being teased. He knows it. He can choose to be fun and kind and loving--but often he chooses to be mean and biting. Yes, it may be all in jest, or fun, but I hate it and he needs to respect it.

I would NEVER live with someone who disrespected me all the time. You and mom? DO you WANT to mend the relationship? Because you can only fix you. If mom isn't willing to abide by common rules of kindness and decency, then she can find elsewhere to live.


My own mom also could push my buttons. I would simply say "Mom, that was uncalled for. I'm leaving and I will see you when you are feeling better". And I'd walk away for a few days or a few months.

They say we teach people how to treat us. That could be very true, IDK.

My mother allowed her mother who "pushed all her buttons" to come live with us when I was a baby. All that button pushing turned my mother into a nervous wreck and the 2 of them fought like dogs all day long, which turned me into a nervous wreck with a chronic stomach ache. I moved out the first chance I had, too, and always had a difficult relationship w my mother for the rest of her life as a result of my dysfunctional childhood. I vowed to NEVER ALLOW her to come live with me in her old age and she didn't. It was AL all the way, then memory care AL. Best decision I could have ever made. Oil and water don't mix. You're asking how to force them TO mix when they naturally separate.

The answer is......you move mom out of your house after you admit it was a mistake to allow her to move in in the first place. Cut your losses now before you wind up losing more of yourself and your life to a something unfixable.

Why did mom move in with you?
and another question...
Why did you let mom move in with you?
Mom loves to push your buttons...that should have been a red flag as to how this would go.
When she starts you walk away. And I do mean as soon as she starts..walk away. You know when it is going to be one of those conversations so don't let it get that far.
Obviously since she is living with you you will see her and talk to her again.
It might also be a good, no make that a great time to start looking for AL for her.

Gracie, you didn't come back to us to answer my question so I did a bit of research of your profile.

Clearly living with you is not working and needs now to change. Until that happens you will continue to feel guilty over "blowing up" at someone who has no capacity for change. She should not have been moved into the home. It is not working. Begin the process of placement now would be my advice. You will NOT change her, and in fact things are likely to get a good deal worse.

You do not want to end looking at yourself in the mirror and considering whether or not you are abusive.

I wish you the best. Don't require of yourself what your limitations cannot deliver. You didn't cause her problems. You cannot fix them. You have a right to your life.

Why are you allowing someone who "loves to push your buttons" live in your home?

Put her in a facility.

Why shouldn’t it be the solution never to see her or speak to her?Everything else is probably going to cause pain and anguish on both sides. Is it really worth it?

It’s okay to admit to mom, and to yourself that the living arrangement isn’t working and isn’t healthy for either of you. No one has failed, it just hasn’t worked. Mom would be better off living somewhere else and you’d be better off in your home as you envision it. Time to be honest and make it happen

Was what you said the truth? If so, maybe its time that Mom heard the truth and thats when it finally happens, when you have had enough. Time to tell Mom its not working and she needs to find a place.

If she insists on pushing your buttons she needs to live with the consequences. I see no problem in you losing your cool. At that point you should immediately get up and leave.

My mother is a problem as well, years ago I had to make a decision, I advised her that if she was not courteous and didn't speak to in a decent tone of voice that I would take my things and leave, and I did over & over again. I would also stay away for a week or so and not answer her calls, she would be good for awhile and then she would start all over.

So, 12+ years ago I just walked away and went no contact, it was her or me, I chose me, best decision that I ever made.

Sending support your way.

you have every right to stand up for yourself, regardless who it is.

staying silent, and keeping it all in, isn't good either: it'll very likely come out as bad health inside you at some point ---- gaining weight? unexpected illness? bad mood? sleeping badly? grumpy? frustrated? mad?

people might recommend you go scream somewhere else, outside. but it really doesn't solve the problem. the fact is, that justified anger is still boiling inside you somewhere, because then you didn't have a chance to direct it at the person who should receive it.

your mother will never change. she'll keep pushing your buttons.
the only solution, is to be less of a target. how? less contact.

as long as you continue with the same amount of contact as now, she'll keep trying to provoke you. with less contact, there are less opportunities for her to use you as a target.

Do you live with your mother?