Is it OK for family members to get to know other residents in mum's aged care facility?

RumpoleF, while I agree that you should be treated kindly, we all need to remember that this is memory care (not AL) where the residents have lost the ability to reason and give consent. So in some ways this is more like visiting your kid in a childcare center. Once things calm down, perhaps you could ask management if there are ways to continue to chat with other residents, etc without getting them agitated. Maybe it's the time of day, or maybe you should start with visiting alone in your mom's room. I would try my best not to take it personally. Remember it's a wonderful sign that your mom and other residents are out in community areas. This is not the case with all memory units.

The residents can definitely get each other agitated, I've seen it first hand, so I'm sure family visits can do the same. Remember the residents aren't rational, so maybe we should trust the staff when they say even our kind gestures can upset the resident's routine. In my dad's memory home, I learned to address any questions to the staff out of earshot of the residents, or to email the management. Unfortunately there may be a legitimate reason the staff isn’t helping a resident find their room, or not giving them ice, or whatever.  Maybe by asking for help for an individual, it makes other residents more demanding for a few hours. Interestingly, in my case, it was my father, the memory care resident, who was pushing other residents around in their wheelchairs, taking them to their rooms, etc.  He was in constant trouble for helping.  One time he kept handing a plush toy to another resident when they saw it and requested it.  Seemed like a nice thing to do, but an argument erupted between residents that almost got physical.  Turns out the toy belonged to a different resident and the staff was trying to keep it with its rightful owner. 

Remember, the staff is responsible for every aspect of their residents' well being. Any trip, fall, or bruise, even when accidental, and occasionally any story, even if false, has to be addressed by the facility.  And yes, unfortunately it does sometimes boil down to liability, especially in memory care where false memories are rampant.  Maybe day to day staff shouldn't have to take time away from the residents to explain the rules. (I agree it doesn't take time for the staff to be polite, though).  Management, however, should make the time and does owe you some education and explanation on what is and isn’t helpful and you deserve respectful answers.  Hopefully you will find some satisfactory answers and they will welcome your kind, helpful heart.  I hope this is just a misunderstanding, and that a nice routine can be established. Best of luck and I wish you’d been at my dad’s care facility when he was still around! He would have talked your ear off and probably your mum's too.

Thanks everyone - I feel reassured that I am doing the right thing. Visited my Mum today and spoke with several staff who I know and trust. They are appalled by what I told them. One has suggested a sit down with the Facility Manager and one of the staff who 'complained'. They are not happy with the way I have been treated and like many of you have commented they agree it is ludicrous. I will request a meeting with the Facility Manager to revisit this now that I have had a chance to reflect and obtain some good advice from you all.

😄. There may be more then what your telling. At the SNF I'm at, not only do some of the nurses have to tend to residents that need assistance, they pass out and collect the food trays as well.

Sometimes helping can be good and other times not so much. One time I helped when my mom's room mate asked me to push her wheelchair to the common room - that seemed simple enough but I was told that she had been taken to the room because the staff were working room to room to get everyone toileted or changed after lunch, and having to seek out E was causing them extra work. The difference is that I was told nicely and the explanation made sense, unfortunately being berated without anyone giving a justifiable cause is something that happens all too often in these institutions.

This is atrocious. Your mother is part of a COMMUNITY, and you are as well. These people are her neighbors, and we care for and about our neighbors.

While you might seek out carers to show a resident back to their room to avoid any perception of impropriety, I'd keep doing the rest of what you're doing. If you're rebuked again, use the community explanation above and ask them sweetly why they'd want anyone to ignore their neighbors. Wait for an answer, too -- they won't have one.

I'll bet you anything the staff feels threatened by you doing their jobs better than they do. I ran into this at my local library. They're grossly understaffed and have only one person to check in returned books, fill the holds, and shelve the returned books. They have a Friends of the Library group, but they absolutely refuse to allow the volunteers to shelve books. They flat-out said it threatened their jobs, so now returned books sit on the To-Be-Shelved shelf for up to two days. It's ridiculous.

You keep being you. Don't step on toes, but being kind doesn't get to be regulated.

When I was younger, our church community was 'assigned' a nearby NH and identified people in there who had few, or no visitors. I would take my baby and head down there to visit a few ladies. I remember one lady who was nearly blind, loving to hold my baby's fat little foot--and she'd stroke it and talk and talk and talk--I think just that small bit of attention meant a lot to her.

I NEVER took the place of family, and if there was family who felt I was over-reaching, I never heard about it.

Later, a NH was built in my neighborhood and we were encouraged to get to know the residents and visit with them. (Again, so many had no one).

I don't see the problem of making new friends, or easing someone's loneliness.

I do not see where ur doing anything wrong. I would want to know exactly what I was doing to upset the staff. I was at my Moms AL everyday, she literally was up the street so I would stop in while out. I interacted with the other residents. Actually I was not able to hold a regular conversation with Mom so I talked to the residents that could. Mom just liked to sit there and listen. Of course if I smelled anything I would bring it to the aides attention even when it was Mom. We always sat in the common area.

I bet an aide has been told she is not doing her job and said "Well if Mrs Jones's daughter wasn't doing my job for me" I really don't see how you can be upsetting residents by talking to them and giving them a hug. The time you are there maybe the only time they have anyone to talk to.

I may have another talk with the person who said this to you and ask for specifics. Because you do not see where holding a conversation with a resident and bringing something to the attn of an aide is interfering. And how does allowing a resident to give u a hug upset them or visa versa. Do not the aides allow hugs or give hugs? I went to my Moms AL and aide was sitting there holding Moms hand and talking to her.

Really, I don't see the problem.

Too many of the residents in care don't have family to visit. Certainly continue talking to the other people there. They need you. I got to know many residents in my mom's assisted living before covid lockdown. Not many in her memory care place because I was only allowed at her window and eventually in her room. In nursing home I got to know several residents, danced with them, played cards, whatever they wanted. I believe I was appreciated by the staff. Unless you are doing something dangerous with the people, I think you are doing a wonderful service. There really is no way you can not speak to them or hug them when they hug you. Perhaps have another meeting with the director and let them know how you are feeling about this and get it a bit clearer how they expect this non- interaction to go because it seems really ridiculous to me.

I am not there with you and I cannot see you interacting, but in all truth, unless there is some overreach that they are seeing, I cannot quite imagine this.
My brother's ALF was the polar opposite with staff and clients and visitors ALL interacting together. And yes, I got to know some gals quite well. I even arranged to lunch at the communal table at times on my visits (must be done through admin).

I can only feel that the admins of this facility have had reports from staff that they find concerning, but of course I cannot imagine what. I would pull back a bit and let residents get staff as they would normally unless you observe something dangerous or of other concern.
You can well imagine that the staff is responsible for the safety and well being of residents who are in a place to be prey to wrong-doers, so they are hyper-alert. You can appreciate their caring.

Normally visitors who are volunteer visitors to residents who wish same go through administration for vetting. If you wish to volunteer, then consider applying to do that; otherwise I would keep your visit limited to your resident in so far as you are able. If others join your chatting in communal area or outside seating (my brother called the ground's gazebo the gazzy-BOO) I don't see that you can STOP them.

Really can't imagine the thinking here, myself. Can only make guesses. So sorry it is happening for you. I still remember my brother's friends in ALF so well, and their stories.

I wouldn't care one bit what the staffs perception of the kindnesses you're showing to the most vulnerable folks around was or is.
Please don't stop being the caring person that God created you to be. You have done absolutely NOTHING wrong.
It's my experience(especially in a memory care setting)that these folks are often left to themselves with perhaps one person looking after 20 folks, so whatever you can do to put a smile on their face or help them, please continue to do. They need you.

The last person I visited in memory care about a year ago, I was helping to feed her, and a lady at the same table needed help as well, so I would give my lady one bite and then I would give the other one bite and so on.
And yes there was only 1 CNA in the dining area with about 20 residents during lunch time, and many of the folks were needing help eating.

So again, ignore these ignorant staff folks and continue to spread your kindness and joy to all you come in contact with at mums facility.
God bless you as you continue to be His hands and feet.

My family often helped out at my mother’s nursing home. We pushed wheelchairs and other small helps as needed. We got to know many residents and their families. The staff was appreciative and kind. The way you’re being treated seems off to me. My parents used to say “kill them with kindness” so maybe move forward with nothing but kindness toward the staff and when there’s an opportunity to help another resident, ask first. Sorry this happened

I wouldn’t feel too comfortable having a Loved One in a residence like the one you’re describing, RumpoleF.

When my mother entered residential care, we made it a practice to have family there for her lunch and supper. I’d go after work.

I’d often help with aprons, distributing tableware, conversation.

”….that is what the staff is there for….” falls just short of ludicrous to my ear.

I think in your situation I’d take half a step back, maybe for a day or two, and just observe whether any of what you’re being “told” has any possible validity or not.

And by the way, who is it that tells you about the staff complaints?

Thanks so much Emma1817 and to the others who responded- you have cheered me up as have the other contributors. You are right - they are paid to do a job, I am helping out of love and kindness. It's just a shame that some of them can't do that job. I am really only helping when there are no staff around. It just makes me sad that human beings can be so petty.

I don’t understand why they would object to your kindness. That is sad.

When my mom was in rehab at a skilled nursing facility the staff didn’t mind any interaction between visitors and the residents.

I would bring special treats for my mom and some of the residents would ask me for ice cream too. I checked with the staff to see if they were diabetic or on a particular diet. If they said, “Yes, they can have treats.” I gladly gave them ice cream too.

The staff at your mom’s facility should be grateful for your assistance. I’m curious, how do they treat your mother?

I am sorry that they have made you feel that you are interfering.

Best wishes to you and your mother.

The place I had mom was small, 6 pack…
we would come on play music, and all of us would including staff, get up and dance with residents, all of us would pass the ball around I got them a big Disney princess plastic ball . One time mom got tired of it and threw it T me!!! She had stopped talking months before that…

We are human. We need some kind of contact. Residents like to talk..
I am sure they are not getting enough attention. We need attention. You are there lending a helpful ear, listening, conversing..
if in doubt, talk with a manager. Nowadays everyone has to be cautious. Maybe not walk them to their room, but track down an employee carer and say.. Mary wants to go to her rooom now.. I can’t take her, I’m visiting mom and that’s your job.. (too harsh) . But some places may have more rules..
when my friends mom was in a place, COVID rules were window visits only.. so I’d sit and wait for her to be wheeled up. In the meantime any resident who saw me would make a beeline right to my window to chat until my friends mom would arrive…
Jerp it up, you’re doing good.. if someone complains right then, tell the resident thsnk you for the chat.. I’ll see you next visit 🙂..
ask management about their rules of talk.. it sounds absurd to me….

You have ZERO obligation to listen to the bossy staffers, who are being PAID to care for the other residents. Do all the hugging and helping you want, when and if appropriate. Remember, YOU are the client, and THEY (the carers) are there to serve your mom and the other residents. Tell them you will stop “interfering” when they start doing their jobs properly!