Hi everyone,
So I don't really know where to start but basically the week we were supposed to move in together, my bf's mother fell into a coma.
He went to his parents' house to visit her everyday at the hospital and care for his dad and it's now been 10 months. He visited me once a few months ago and we talk regularly on the phone but this situation is too hard for me.
I had to fight for regular phone calls and to spend time with him in the morning before he has to go to the hospital. And I tried talking to him about seeing each other more often (at least once a month) and he says everything I want to hear but doesn't do anything about it. We live 3h30 away by train and 8h away by car (he usually drives even though the train would be easier) so it doesn't seem impossible.
His sister also came to live with them and she hasn't seen her husband and child since then.
Another issue is that I'm a teacher in France so I don't choose where I live. I would need 2 years minimum to join him but I can't organize anything since he doesn't know if he wants to move there or come back.
On the one hand I feel like he doesn't care enough about me and on the other I feel insensitive and selfish for asking of all that.
So I guess I needed your input since you might understand what he's going through.
(English isn't my first language so I'm sorry for any mistakes I may have made).
12 Answers
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The whole situation is very concerning. For one thing, boyfriend's sister also is there to help the mom, and dad is there too. All these people are dancing attendance on someone who has been sick for 10 months! By this time, certain aspects of her care should have resolved and plans made for boyfriend and sister to get back to their own lives.
Believe me, I know from experience what they're all going through. I have much sympathy for you also. Boyfriend should have been more caring and kind to you, and he should have given you reassurance all along the way that you're important to him. If he's not that kind of person, it's best that you realize it now. You wouldn't want to spend a lifetime with a man who just lets you float out there like an untethered balloon, even risking losing you to another man while he plays huggy-kissy with the only woman who appears to be important in his life - Mama.
Good luck, and I'm sure you'll find the right guy. You'll look back on this present boyfriend and wonder how you could have thought he was the one!
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As hard as it is, I would let him go. It’s a lot on him with his family and you deserve more than crumbs. It’s just an unfortunate situation.
This is my opinion which is worth nothing
Thank you for the update.
And if things work out in the long run..let us know I at least like to live vicariously through others. 🤣
Take it from someone who was young once and has been there. A man that is interested in you will make sure he sees you. He will want to be with you all the time. Please stop begging for his attention. All it does is stroke his ego. Long distant romances are hard without throwing in parents you need to care for. At 25 you could be doing so much more than waiting for the phone to ring. I agree, its time to break it off. Tell him you need more than he can give at this time. Don't call him, let him call to find out why u haven't called him. Your not being selfish, you have a right to want more from this relationship. It is what it is.
We as women deserve a man whose world revolves around us. That did not happen in my first marriage but it did in my second. Married 42 years and my needs are still important to him.
If mom is still in the hospital why does he go to her daily?
Does his dad actually need a caregiver or is he there supporting him emotionally?
And I have to ask what is the actual prognosis for his mom?
Is there talk about moving her to Long Term Care in either Skilled Nursing facility or Rehab? Or is the talk more "comfort focused" and leaning to getting Hospice in?
Your boyfriend is focused on his parents. That is where his priorities are at this time. Do not expect this to change. There is a very good possibility that when mom dies he will be just as focused on his dad.
Personally I think it is selfish of his father to expect his children to "give up" their lives to focus on him.
I think you need to ask him point blank what his long range plans are and you need to present him with the "what if's" that can happen.
do not place your life on hold for something that may never happen.
(Your English is perfect..you did much better than I would writing this in French!)
Thank you so much for your advice!
Your BF has been forced to make a choice. A very hard one. He has made that choice. CLEARLY he has MADE THAT CHOICE for himself. It has nothing to do with you, nor with love. It is a hard choice he was given and has HAD TO MAKE, and he has made it.
Now it is your turn for a very hard choice. If love is not enough NOW, let me promise you that when you MARRY and his choice is still his parents, when you have children and his choice is still his parents, then it will be WORSE THAN YOU CAN EVER IMAGINE. You will have so much resentment that your love will turn to its opposite. You will have wasted so much time and energy. It may well DEVASTATE you physically and emotionally.
This is your time for choice. Love is not enough. You can continue to love, befriend, help, support your loved BF, but I would not marry him; I would break off the engagement and I would seek another life choice. I would suggest the same to him. His choice now should be a caregiver. Someone who, like him, believes in sacrificing her entire life to parents.
I am so sorry this sounds so hard, but I am 81. You can imagine that there has been LOVE. But love isn't the answer ultimately. It only is a complication. Mutual agreement on important issues is the answer.
I think if you move into marriage without AT THE LEAST a very good pre marital counseling, you are headed for absolute doom. I am so very sorry.
Sometimes here has to be sacrifices made for love.
Let him go, find someone else who wants to be with you, he is not the one, all you are doing is prolonging the agony.
Stop calling him, stop begging him for attention, this relationship will never work.
Personally, I would go no contact, just cut the cord, do not accept his calls. He is playing you.
Good Luck!