How do I know it’s time?

It’s definitely time. You deserve a life in which his illness doesn’t define you. You should have no guilt. You’ve done your best.

Go for it!

Your husband is no longer truly your husband. With dementia we lose our loved ones as certainly as that old movie that had everyone running around at those pods. It is horrible to say, but it holds so much truth. Our own lives go with the caregiving. And we cannot recognize the person we love.

It does no dishonor to a long and loving relationship to admit that you need time of your own, that your husband got a DREADFUL disease but you did not.

I believe guilt is inappropriate now. You didn't cause this. You cannot fix this. And you may well sacrifice your own life to this if you continue. What then of even loving visits for your hubby?

My heart goes out to you. You are not alone. See an attorney about division of assets and protecting the money you will need for your own care.

This shows no lack of love. This is bowing before the reality of our own limitations. I am so dreadfully sorry for this pain. Just remember to keep the right G-word, GRIEF in the fore; there will be plenty who will want to change it to "guilt."

I wish you the very best of luck.

You have already answered your own question, he is unable to care for himself, when someone is incontinent and or violent, that is your sign, it is time.

Do what is best for the both of you, find a nice home for him and regain your life before it is too late. The stress of dealing with someone in his condition can end up shortening your life.Your husband is NOT fine by any stretch of the imagination.Sending support your way!

It's usually time when you have to ask "How do I know it's time?" Sadly his condition will only continue to get worse and in all honesty it is usually when either his safety or yours is jeopardized that one needs to be placed, or if his care gets to be just too much for you, as 40% of caregivers caring for someone with any of the dementias will die before the one they're caring for.
And I did catch your sentence that said "outside of this huge drama, he is fine...."
Your husband is not fine. He never will be again as his brain is now broken and things will only get worse.
I'm sorry. It's hard, I know first hand. There are no easy answers, but the bottom line is that there will come a point when you will have to do not only what is best for your husband but for you as well.
God bless you.

You're not the monster here, dementia is......make no mistake about it. Should you sacrifice 23.5 hours in a day waiting and hoping for that 30 minute period dh may be acting like his old self, w/o spitting or cussing or carrying on? What about your quality of life and the fact that he'll be cared for 24/7 by teams of people who aren't exhausted, burned out and emotionally invested in what he says to them? Memory Care Assisted Living is not some house of horrors you've imagined it to be, but a place where dh can be properly cared for and you can become his wife again and a daily visitor instead of a resentful caregiver.

I'm sorry you're going through this situation, both of you. There's no easy answer with dementia, so we wind up choosing the lesser of the ugly options, in reality. My mother lived in Memory Care Assisted Living for the last 3 years of her life and it was the best decision possible. Good luck to you.