I recently took Mom to my home with in-home hospice. The last two days of her life were simply horrific. Anyone else have this experience?
The nurse administered three meds that stopped the pain, but put her in a comatose state which stopped her heart. I'm sick over this. Wasn’t there any other way? My poor Mom.
Think about what you mean by ‘simply horrific’. My mother’s death took 24 hours, at home with me. I found it most distressing because the final breathing is so noisy and the sound is inescapable. Is that what you mean by ‘simply horrific’ – in other words horrific for you?
My mother’s death was peaceful, she had no pain, and it was gentle and final for her. We got through it together, and I was proud of us both. Can you think of it like that?
Medication is given if there is pain until that pain is relieved. While it may hasten the end of life by some minutes, even hours, this medication is given until pain is gone. The medication most often given is Morphine which affects respirations, and breathing, primarily. It is likely that your Mom's heart stopped not because she received pain medications, but because she was dying.
I am glad that your mom has Hospice there to medicate her until her pain was relieved. There is no reason any longer for people to die in agony. As an old retired nurse who saw patients die, at the beginning of her career, when there was no Hospice, I can tell you that I witnessed often days and weeks of profound agony. I am thankful your mom and others do not have to endure that torment anymore.
Speak with Hospice and avail yourself of grief counseling provided. I am so sorry for your grievous loss.
Dear momzindl, Death is death. Sorry to be so blunt. It very rarely comes peacefully, like southerwave said, it's not Hollywood. Would you have prefered she go through days/weeks of pain? You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't make her die early. You're job now is to grieve, without the guilt. You don't know more than the medical profession, the nurse didn't kill her, it was her end. Months before my Dad died the doctor asked him how he wanted to go, and he said without pain. When it was close to his time, we couldn't get him into hospice care, they were too full, so I ended up ringing an ambulance. The next day, in hospital, (they hadn't read his medical history and he was unconscious) they had him on drips, and there were monitors & needles everywhere, and he fought that constantly, they had his hands bound to the bed. Once I talked to the leading Dr and told him we just wanted a simple and as pain free death as possible all paraphernalia came out, he too was administered painkillers and died within days. My cousin, who couldn't say what I said to the doctors, watched her dad die over a three week period in horrible pain, something she's still struggling with a year later. You didn't do anything wrong or make a mistake.
A prolonged period of suffering with no relief constitutes a "horrific death" for a poor loved one. Anything else is a blessing, no matter how difficult it may be to process or accept.
Only God determines the time of our passing, not a hospice nurse or anyone else. Once you accept that fact, then you realize it was all in His hands the entire time.
Eating, drinking, talking will cease as a body slowly shuts down. This can be quick or very slow. With or without medication.
I'm not sure what your expections were, but I am sorry they didn't match reality.
A different way to look at it is : you were present. Horrific or a blessing is dependant on your viewpoint. May this change over time as you connect to nicer memories.
I'm sorry that your mom died sooner than you were wanting her to, but only God knows the day and time that He will call someone Home and apparently it was her time to go Home. I'm glad to know that your mom was pain free when she died, and I hope in time you'll be thankful for that too. If you've not been around others that have died before I guess it can seem "horrific" when in reality it's all part of life.
My late husband was under hospice care in our home for the last 22 months of his life and when he finally started his dying process, instead of it taking 3 days like his nurse told me it would, it went on for 41 days of him not eating and about 25 days of him not drinking. And hospice could NOT get his pain under control the entire time, so my husband was in pain and agitated his entire dying process which was extremely difficult and quite honestly "horrific" for me to witness. Plus I had to endure his dying process all by myself as hospice only came once a day for about an hour to change out his pain pump. I can tell you that his dying process did leave me with PTSD for quite a while.
So I hope in time that you can be grateful that your moms dying process only took 2 days and you can rest in the knowledge that she didn't suffer and is at peace now. Please seek out a Grief Share support group in your area, along with taking advantage of hospices grief services as well as both are free to you. God bless you.
Before there was hospice, my friend lost her mother to cancer. My friend was 19 or 20.
Her mom died a truly horrific death. She gnawed off her lips while in unbearable pain.
Your mom's death and the way it happened was a blessing. It was pain-free with a nurse watching over her, and mom slipped into a peaceful sleep. Yes, there was another way. And it would have been worse.
Both of my parents died in hospice care, somewhat like your mom. Dad had cancer and dementia, mom had dementia. What would have happened if they'd lived longer would have been my worst nightmare.
My beautiful intelligent mother was reduced to a shriveled husk of a woman who could not speak, wore diapers, and could no longer sit up or get out of bed. Her teeth were brown. She was afraid of her own toothbrush. My handsome, brilliant and talented father kept screaming that he wanted to die, and he was bedridden and incontinent. I was glad when they passed. I chose not to think of their deaths as horrific, and you can too.
I am so very sorry for your loss of your mom. I hope you will come to peace as you progress in your mourning.
Well, when DH’s grandfather was dying in in patient hospice, the lady across the hall was yelling to God to safe her from the pain. I mean this went on every 5 seconds at the top of her lungs along with moaning. It was HORRIFIC. They resisted pain meds.
After several hours of her screaming and moaning, the entire floor had enough because she was upsetting everyone and they finally consented to meds and she finally quieted down and rested. I had spoken with her husband in the family break room.
I guess you could have let your mom suffer to death. I’m not being ugly. I’m sorry your mom died.
Everyone wants the Hollywood death scene where the end is meaningful. That almost never happens.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved mom, Momzindl. There is just no preparing oneself for witnessing the death of a parent. It is awful and it hurts.
I hope you are comforted by wonderful memories of your mother and by the fact that you did your best and were there for her at the end.
Most people feel numerous feelings at the time of death. I don’t know if we can ever be fully prepared for the emotions that we experience when we lose someone that we love.
I believe people who are close to death know that they will be dying soon and they are ready to go. Knowing this helped me tremendously when my mom died.
Give yourself time to grieve. Mourn your mother’s loss and then remember how much she meant to you and all of the wonderful memories that you shared together.
Wishing you peace as you continue to grieve the loss of your mother. She would not want you to remain in grief. Honor her by living your life to the fullest.
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My mother’s death was peaceful, she had no pain, and it was gentle and final for her. We got through it together, and I was proud of us both. Can you think of it like that?
Medication is given if there is pain until that pain is relieved.
While it may hasten the end of life by some minutes, even hours, this medication is given until pain is gone. The medication most often given is Morphine which affects respirations, and breathing, primarily. It is likely that your Mom's heart stopped not because she received pain medications, but because she was dying.
I am glad that your mom has Hospice there to medicate her until her pain was relieved. There is no reason any longer for people to die in agony. As an old retired nurse who saw patients die, at the beginning of her career, when there was no Hospice, I can tell you that I witnessed often days and weeks of profound agony.
I am thankful your mom and others do not have to endure that torment anymore.
Speak with Hospice and avail yourself of grief counseling provided.
I am so sorry for your grievous loss.
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Death is death. Sorry to be so blunt.
It very rarely comes peacefully, like southerwave said, it's not Hollywood. Would you have prefered she go through days/weeks of pain?
You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't make her die early.
You're job now is to grieve, without the guilt. You don't know more than the medical profession, the nurse didn't kill her, it was her end.
Months before my Dad died the doctor asked him how he wanted to go, and he said without pain. When it was close to his time, we couldn't get him into hospice care, they were too full, so I ended up ringing an ambulance. The next day, in hospital, (they hadn't read his medical history and he was unconscious) they had him on drips, and there were monitors & needles everywhere, and he fought that constantly, they had his hands bound to the bed.
Once I talked to the leading Dr and told him we just wanted a simple and as pain free death as possible all paraphernalia came out, he too was administered painkillers and died within days.
My cousin, who couldn't say what I said to the doctors, watched her dad die over a three week period in horrible pain, something she's still struggling with a year later.
You didn't do anything wrong or make a mistake.
Take care of yourself.
Only God determines the time of our passing, not a hospice nurse or anyone else. Once you accept that fact, then you realize it was all in His hands the entire time.
My condolences on the loss of your mom.
Eating, drinking, talking will cease as a body slowly shuts down. This can be quick or very slow. With or without medication.
I'm not sure what your expections were, but I am sorry they didn't match reality.
A different way to look at it is : you were present. Horrific or a blessing is dependant on your viewpoint. May this change over time as you connect to nicer memories.
I'm glad to know that your mom was pain free when she died, and I hope in time you'll be thankful for that too.
If you've not been around others that have died before I guess it can seem "horrific" when in reality it's all part of life.
My late husband was under hospice care in our home for the last 22 months of his life and when he finally started his dying process, instead of it taking 3 days like his nurse told me it would, it went on for 41 days of him not eating and about 25 days of him not drinking. And hospice could NOT get his pain under control the entire time, so my husband was in pain and agitated his entire dying process which was extremely difficult and quite honestly "horrific" for me to witness. Plus I had to endure his dying process all by myself as hospice only came once a day for about an hour to change out his pain pump.
I can tell you that his dying process did leave me with PTSD for quite a while.
So I hope in time that you can be grateful that your moms dying process only took 2 days and you can rest in the knowledge that she didn't suffer and is at peace now.
Please seek out a Grief Share support group in your area, along with taking advantage of hospices grief services as well as both are free to you.
God bless you.
Her mom died a truly horrific death. She gnawed off her lips while in unbearable pain.
Your mom's death and the way it happened was a blessing. It was pain-free with a nurse watching over her, and mom slipped into a peaceful sleep. Yes, there was another way. And it would have been worse.
Both of my parents died in hospice care, somewhat like your mom. Dad had cancer and dementia, mom had dementia. What would have happened if they'd lived longer would have been my worst nightmare.
My beautiful intelligent mother was reduced to a shriveled husk of a woman who could not speak, wore diapers, and could no longer sit up or get out of bed. Her teeth were brown. She was afraid of her own toothbrush. My handsome, brilliant and talented father kept screaming that he wanted to die, and he was bedridden and incontinent. I was glad when they passed. I chose not to think of their deaths as horrific, and you can too.
I am so very sorry for your loss of your mom. I hope you will come to peace as you progress in your mourning.
After several hours of her screaming and moaning, the entire floor had enough because she was upsetting everyone and they finally consented to meds and she finally quieted down and rested. I had spoken with her husband in the family break room.
I guess you could have let your mom suffer to death. I’m not being ugly. I’m sorry your mom died.
Everyone wants the Hollywood death scene where the end is meaningful. That almost never happens.
I hope you are comforted by wonderful memories of your mother and by the fact that you did your best and were there for her at the end.
Most people feel numerous feelings at the time of death. I don’t know if we can ever be fully prepared for the emotions that we experience when we lose someone that we love.
I believe people who are close to death know that they will be dying soon and they are ready to go. Knowing this helped me tremendously when my mom died.
Give yourself time to grieve. Mourn your mother’s loss and then remember how much she meant to you and all of the wonderful memories that you shared together.
Wishing you peace as you continue to grieve the loss of your mother. She would not want you to remain in grief. Honor her by living your life to the fullest.
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