You tell her honestly that you cannot care for her anymore. That you will try to find a good place for her and you will visit her and continue to help in that way, but that you have to have your own life now.
You are honest. If you are looking for a way to avoid rage or tears, don't. This is another loss in a line of many that come with aging. It is worth the grieving, but you didn't cause it and can't fix it, and must not sacrifice your own lives to it, imho.
I am so sorry, but remember in this to use the proper G-word, which is grief. This isn't a time for guilt. This isn't you fault.
More info is really needed in order to provide answers. But... This is your MIL. Your husband is the one that should be managing his mom. He is the one that needs to tell her that he/you can no longer care for her. The question is..I should say questions are Is she cognizant? Does he have POA? Can she afford Memory Care if she needs that? You mention "Nursing Home" does she actually need Skilled Nursing or does she need help with ADL's? (Activities of Daily Living)
Please fill out your profile or add information to your question or add a comment. That will help a lot
Depending on her cognitive state, you can tell her a "therapeutic fib" (as suggested prior by Lvnsm1826). Or, that your home is having a problem (mold, gas leak, infestation) and that you all need to vacate for a while as it is fixed.
But if she has her faculties then your husband will need to have this conversation with her. It is totally reasonable and fair to say you didn't anticipate how the loss of privacy and the care commitment would impact your marriage, that she isn't getting the proper care she needs, nor the social exposure, etc. If she has her faculties but refuses to move out... that's yet another level of this problem.
As others have asked, please provide more info about the situation and her condition.
If she has a Dementia, it will be hard telling her because she won't remember what you told her. My Mom had Dementia so we just took her. When we got there, we told her she was moving into an apt and was going to make new friends. And yes, your husband should be telling her.
Have you, as her current “landlords”, done any research into levels of geriatric care, nearby accessibility, availability of openings, legal responsibilities of POA holders?
Take a small step back.
It will help you feel better right now if you arm yourself with information about how and where and why to take the next step(s).
If her current behavior is very difficult to manage, it may be better to do your research BEFORE you mention “residential care” of any kind to her before you take any action.
Many or most of us here have experienced your desperation, and although this process is rarely if ever easy or pleasant, it will help you all if you know what you’re getting into FIRST.
Peace and hopes that after doing your homework that you can come up with a plan that can work for all of you.
Barb, I think you need to do whatever you need to do to preserve your peace. Whatever you do, though, if it’s headed to divorce, I strongly suggest you see a divorce attorney before saying anything or moving out. (You or them moving out).
There are things you might need to do before you let on that you are headed to divorce, like opening up bank accounts, etc. Taking user names off credit cards etc.
Protect yourself financially.
Also, I have no idea if this is true but someone told me once that the person who moves out is the one seen to have ended the marriage. I think the context was in some states, that might make a difference in the proceedings.
If divorce is actually on the table, it is really good advice to see a divorce attorney first. For women especially, unless they are independently well-off, midlife divorce (no support for adult kids) can be financially punishing. Depending on their financial situation, the wife may be awarded the family home but also the taxes, insurance and maintenance. She may or may not be awarded part of the husband's retirement accounts, if any. As far as MIL is concerned, I agree with other posts that Barb's husband needs to be the more active participant here in making appropriate arrangements for his mother.
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You are honest. If you are looking for a way to avoid rage or tears, don't. This is another loss in a line of many that come with aging. It is worth the grieving, but you didn't cause it and can't fix it, and must not sacrifice your own lives to it, imho.
I am so sorry, but remember in this to use the proper G-word, which is grief. This isn't a time for guilt. This isn't you fault.
That makes you out to be still engaged with her care, showing concern for her care, and wanting what's best for her.
Make it clear you aren't abandoning her.
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I can so empathize.
(((Hug)))
But...
This is your MIL.
Your husband is the one that should be managing his mom. He is the one that needs to tell her that he/you can no longer care for her.
The question is..I should say questions are
Is she cognizant? Does he have POA? Can she afford Memory Care if she needs that?
You mention "Nursing Home" does she actually need Skilled Nursing or does she need help with ADL's? (Activities of Daily Living)
Please fill out your profile or add information to your question or add a comment. That will help a lot
But if she has her faculties then your husband will need to have this conversation with her. It is totally reasonable and fair to say you didn't anticipate how the loss of privacy and the care commitment would impact your marriage, that she isn't getting the proper care she needs, nor the social exposure, etc. If she has her faculties but refuses to move out... that's yet another level of this problem.
As others have asked, please provide more info about the situation and her condition.
Have you, as her current “landlords”, done any research into levels of geriatric care, nearby accessibility, availability of openings, legal responsibilities of POA holders?
Take a small step back.
It will help you feel better right now if you arm yourself with information about how and where and why to take the next step(s).
If her current behavior is very difficult to manage, it may be better to do your research BEFORE you mention “residential care” of any kind to her before you take any action.
Many or most of us here have experienced your desperation, and although this process is rarely if ever easy or pleasant, it will help you all if you know what you’re getting into FIRST.
Peace and hopes that after doing your homework that you can come up with a plan that can work for all of you.
There are things you might need to do before you let on that you are headed to divorce, like opening up bank accounts, etc. Taking user names off credit cards etc.
Protect yourself financially.
Also, I have no idea if this is true but someone told me once that the person who moves out is the one seen to have ended the marriage. I think the context was in some states, that might make a difference in the proceedings.
Good luck and I’m sorry this is where you are.