Should we sell our home in Colorado and move to Connecticut so we can make an open-ended commitment to care for 89-year-old mother-in-law?
She has hearing, balance and toileting issues, as well as mild dementia. She can't be left alone for more than a couple hours, and even that is a stretch. Her physical and mental condition will certainly decline.
On paper maybe this seems like not that big of a deal.
Trust me--putting your LO ahead of your needs never works well. We're involved in this right now, as DH's mother will NOT go into a NH and so she's gotten all 3 of her kids (who are 74, 71 and 67!) to take care of her 24/7. So while the 'kids' care for her, all of their LO's are suffering. (I'm one of them! The resentment I feel some days is unbelievable!)
You can manage this long distance.
And don't pay for anything. You'll need all your savings to take care of YOU.
Dumbest thing my DH and his sibs did was to NOT move MIL from rehab to a quality NH. She wanted to go home, so they made that happen. She doesn't even KNOW she IS home.
No. The cost of living in CT is MUCH higher than it is in CO. I've lived in both states, so I know. Compare the costs of Memory Care Assisted Living in both states, first of all, to get an idea. A Place For Mom can help you with that, probably.
If MIL cannot be left alone, she has more than mild dementia going on.
Unless you have experience caregiving for a demented elder with incontinence issues, how do you plan to take care of her? Changing adult incontinence briefs and bathing them is nothing like changing a baby's diaper or bathing them.
Memory Care Assisted Living in Colorado is the wisest move for all of you, imo. Sell HER house and get the finances to fund her life in managed care, then get her relocated to a better climate near you.
Educate yourself about dementia so you know what lies ahead. I suggest you read this 33 page booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here: https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Absolutely not. You are giving up a life that is familiar and presumably pleasant for you to take on an open-ended job that will exhaust you, and with no end in sight. Plus adjustment to moving and living in a new area, not having your privacy, and being on call 24/7 in the home might kill you before she dies. Never ever move in with a relative in such condition. I mean, never.
You think you might need help in the home? Well, that's a problem to manage, and then you'll have other people around that you need to accommodate. You'll need at least three, possibly CNAs, coming and going around the clock. Then the physical therapists, the occupational therapists, the social workers, and if it comes to that, hospice workers - nurses, doctor, evaluator, equipment delivery, medicine delivery, and so on.
Save your sanity and find a good place for MIL to live. She'll have professional care, which is much better than what you can provide.
You have a life that needs to continue after hers is over. I think your post is indicative of panic thinking on your wife's part and I understand that, but it is neither realistic nor wise to sell up and move. Connecticut is vastly more expensive than Colorado, you'd have no familiarity with the area and no time to become familiar, nor would you have the support of friends beyond the family members there. MIL's friends will disappear quickly, especially when dementia is involved.
Take a deep breath and make a realistic plan. This is about helping MIL the best way possible, not about upending your lives for an unknown amount of time. When you remove upending your lives from the equation, the options become clearer as noted above.
If you choose a facility, do the due diligence online and on phone first. Pick your top 3, then spend the $ to fly there and visit these 3 in person. Once you pick one and have a timeline for the facility (there is usually a waiting list), come back to CT and move her in. Exhausting? Yes. But far less exhausting than moving there and caring for her day in and day out. Doing it this way shows you care about her, and maybe more importantly,YOU and your marriage. Best of luck to you. This is so hard.
Why? Do you envision yourself taking care of a human being for then next 10 years who is getting progressively worse? Mild dementia only gets worse as does hearing, balance and incontience on both ends. If you really want to be cleaning up human waste, feeding an adult and putting up with their progressively abusive dementia behaviors for 10 years - then go for it.
I on the other hand had 15 months of living hell that no money in the world could pay me to continue on. And please know - there was ZERO money. All services were expected free of charge.
Wow! I pray you never get OLD! So sad, they weren’t always this way and raised and took care of our Every little whim And waste until we “moved on with our Life”, only to be left behind and visited. Sorry, I don’t mean to sound harsh in anyway but people need to put their Shoes on and think about things before they speak. I lost my Wonderful Dad on 3/28/23, wheelchair bound, spilling things, including urine etc. He was a Navy Vet and Damn Proud of our Country! My parents would be married 60yrs this December after knowing each other just 3 months when he was serving. My Mom is in AL, from CT now in Fla, (I’m in NC) near my brothers we all relocated between 3-6yrs ago. I had my Parents in NC for 2.5 yrs before a fractured hip(Dad) on a Fla trip kept them there for rehabilitation and hence AL. Mom will not move back with me and my youngest brother CONTROLS EVERYTHING and she goes with it. I would give Anything to have it All back and provide the Loving Home care I gave them😢
I am 77 and my husband is 82. I take care of him, but when it comes my turn, I will move wherever my family is at the time. It is not fair for the caregiver to have to move for the person who needs care. I would have her evaluated for placement in assisted living or memory care and find a place near where you live to take care of her.
No. You should not sell your home in Colorado to move to Connecticut.
Your MIL's dementia is going to get worse and at some point she will almost certainly have to go into a care facility.
Better to do this now rather than later. There's no point in you and your spouse running yourselves ragged trying to keep her at home. Placement is what you should do.
What you THINK will be a 6 month experience could easily become your life for the next 5-10 years.
Amazing how long elderly people can live---I'd try long distance care, with going boots on the ground maybe every 6 months. I would NEVER move to accomadate an elder.
This is your spouses mom? That does make a difference.
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On paper maybe this seems like not that big of a deal.
Trust me--putting your LO ahead of your needs never works well. We're involved in this right now, as DH's mother will NOT go into a NH and so she's gotten all 3 of her kids (who are 74, 71 and 67!) to take care of her 24/7. So while the 'kids' care for her, all of their LO's are suffering. (I'm one of them! The resentment I feel some days is unbelievable!)
You can manage this long distance.
And don't pay for anything. You'll need all your savings to take care of YOU.
Dumbest thing my DH and his sibs did was to NOT move MIL from rehab to a quality NH. She wanted to go home, so they made that happen. She doesn't even KNOW she IS home.
Be strong!!
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If MIL cannot be left alone, she has more than mild dementia going on.
Unless you have experience caregiving for a demented elder with incontinence issues, how do you plan to take care of her? Changing adult incontinence briefs and bathing them is nothing like changing a baby's diaper or bathing them.
Memory Care Assisted Living in Colorado is the wisest move for all of you, imo. Sell HER house and get the finances to fund her life in managed care, then get her relocated to a better climate near you.
Educate yourself about dementia so you know what lies ahead. I suggest you read this 33 page booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Best of luck to you.
You think you might need help in the home? Well, that's a problem to manage, and then you'll have other people around that you need to accommodate. You'll need at least three, possibly CNAs, coming and going around the clock. Then the physical therapists, the occupational therapists, the social workers, and if it comes to that, hospice workers - nurses, doctor, evaluator, equipment delivery, medicine delivery, and so on.
Save your sanity and find a good place for MIL to live. She'll have professional care, which is much better than what you can provide.
PS: I've been through it. I'm not making this up.
Do what is best for everyone. Find a facility where her needs will be met.
If you wish, move her closer to you. Visit as often as you like and oversee her care.
2. Move her closer to you or in with you.
You have a life that needs to continue after hers is over. I think your post is indicative of panic thinking on your wife's part and I understand that, but it is neither realistic nor wise to sell up and move. Connecticut is vastly more expensive than Colorado, you'd have no familiarity with the area and no time to become familiar, nor would you have the support of friends beyond the family members there. MIL's friends will disappear quickly, especially when dementia is involved.
Take a deep breath and make a realistic plan. This is about helping MIL the best way possible, not about upending your lives for an unknown amount of time. When you remove upending your lives from the equation, the options become clearer as noted above.
If you choose a facility, do the due diligence online and on phone first. Pick your top 3, then spend the $ to fly there and visit these 3 in person. Once you pick one and have a timeline for the facility (there is usually a waiting list), come back to CT and move her in. Exhausting? Yes. But far less exhausting than moving there and caring for her day in and day out. Doing it this way shows you care about her, and maybe more importantly,YOU and your marriage. Best of luck to you. This is so hard.
I on the other hand had 15 months of living hell that no money in the world could pay me to continue on. And please know - there was ZERO money. All services were expected free of charge.
Sorry, I don’t mean to sound harsh in anyway but people need to put their Shoes on and think about things before they speak.
I lost my Wonderful Dad on 3/28/23, wheelchair bound, spilling things, including urine etc.
He was a Navy Vet and Damn Proud of our Country! My parents would be married 60yrs this December after knowing each other just 3 months when he was serving.
My Mom is in AL, from CT now in Fla, (I’m in NC) near my brothers we all relocated between 3-6yrs ago.
I had my Parents in NC for 2.5 yrs before a fractured hip(Dad) on a Fla trip kept them there for rehabilitation and hence AL.
Mom will not move back with me and my youngest brother CONTROLS EVERYTHING and she goes with it.
I would give Anything to have it All back and provide the Loving Home care I gave them😢
Your MIL's dementia is going to get worse and at some point she will almost certainly have to go into a care facility.
Better to do this now rather than later. There's no point in you and your spouse running yourselves ragged trying to keep her at home.
Placement is what you should do.
What you THINK will be a 6 month experience could easily become your life for the next 5-10 years.
Amazing how long elderly people can live---I'd try long distance care, with going boots on the ground maybe every 6 months. I would NEVER move to accomadate an elder.
This is your spouses mom? That does make a difference.
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