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DesertRose7 Asked July 2023

Is it normal to feel as though you have betrayed your mother when you have to put her in a nursing home?

My 94-year-old mom was hospitalized on Memorial Day after a fall. Her 3rd fall in 3weeks. She spent the month of June in short term rehab, where they insisted she was strong enough to be released to her home on 6-30-2023, even though I told them she lives alone and still can’t go to the bathroom without help, not to mention dress herself, feed herself, etc. They set her up with home healthcare a couple hours a week. I did not think this was enough but they insisted she could be alone in the house. She fell again on 7-1-2023. She is completely incontinent, refuses to even try to get up without my being there to help her in her walker or wheelchair. After spending most of the day that she fell in the ER with her, we set up a plan to put her into a nursing home. She agreed she would go there. I felt good about it at the time. Of course, because of the holiday, she is still in my care until 7-5-2023. She is virtually helpless. I am stressed out of my mind. Today I am beginning to feel remorse that I am taking away her independence and betraying her. What is wrong with me? I know she has no choice given her current condition and this is best for her safety, but I am so upset by all of it.

Isthisrealyreal Jul 2023
DesertRose, I bawled like a baby every single time I saw my dad for weeks. Feeling bad about this transition is completely normal.

Watching our parents lose the life they knew, we knew, is very sad and worth mourning. BUT, be as positive and upbeat about how much it is the right thing around your mom as possible. If you show any hesitation, it will give her an opening to work on you being her 24/7 caregiver or it will create fear for her, neither one is going to be helpful for the move.

You got this. You know in your head and heart that she now needs a village and you are ensuring that she has one. That is the most loving thing you can do for her.

I would encourage you to be her tour guide, meaning, join her for events, help her meet new people and meet them yourself. Homemade sweets are a HUGE icebreaker. I loved this time of year, I could do yummy fruit based deserts and not feel bad about jacking anyone up on sugar :-).

You will be her advocate and her daughter and that will be more beneficial for her then killing yourself to keep her home.

Great big warm hug! I found placing my dad to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do, time does make it easier.
DesertRose7 Jul 2023
Thank you Isthistealyreal. I appreciate you sharing your story about your dad and how you felt when you went to visit. My mom has spent the month of June in a local short stay rehab facility and I literally cried my way home after each visit. I appreciate all of these responses from folks who have lived through this. I know this is best for her and I have new encouragement to look at this in a more positive light. Thank you.
lisatrevor Jul 2023
It was heartbreaking to even think that my father might have to go into assisted living in the future. But when he needed assistance for daily living everyone knew it was the right and only decision.

It turned out to be far better than I ever imagined. All the daily therapy, activities, and social stimulation has allowed him to regain strength and now he has a much better quality life. A lot better than laying in bed all alone!
AlvaDeer Jul 2023
Lisa, thanks for this. I remember how much you did not want your dad to enter care. I think it's admirable that you were able to change when you saw it working for him.

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southiebella Jul 2023
Well, she made it to 94 in her own home. My mother was 90 when she could no longer live in her home safely, and I brought her to live with me.

You are not responsible for taking away your mother's independence and betraying her, so don't accept false guilt. Your mother's age, frailty and physical limitations are what has taken away her independence.

Don't be taken by surprise that you're upset and stressed, because it comes with the territory. It's hard to watch, it's hard to make decisions, it's hard to care for someone who can't care for themselves, it's hard to process.

It's the hardest job we never wanted.

Your mother's care and safety are what is important - not necessarily where she receives it. You're doing what's right for her.

Peace and blessings.

Burninout36 Jul 2023
Like me, when I turn care over to paid caregivers 3 days a week, I first asked myself, "how am I not taking care of my mom?" The ladies we have are angels and I would sell the gold fillings in my teeth to keep them in our family if that's what it takes. They are now like my other moms. I don't know how we were so graced, but we were.

I talked to my therapist about it and she asked me, 'how is arranging care NOT caring for your mom?'

We all feel this weight like it's our responsibility when it is actually help and assistance, and acting responsibly. Especially when you have secured finances, safety, security, medication, medical care... How is that a betrayal.

A betrayal would be like, I don't know, dumping her on a curb and saying "who are you?" Arranging OUTSIDE care is not a betrayal. It. Is. Still. Care.

Right now what you can do is make sure the facility is looking after her carefully and properly. That's the important part. Is it up to you to 24/7 your mom? No. Keeping your own mind, heart, and health intact, while overseeing the same for your mom is not betrayal, it is care. And if said facility sadly falls below that standard, you do like we all do and move on to the next that will better oversee her.

I have a mom that at any given minute would be worthy of walking away from, as many of us on this forum have. But the fact that you have a plan in place? How is that betrayal. "Hey mom, I looked out for you." Whisper that every day. Then ask yourself if you betrayed her.

Because you have not.

AlvaDeer Jul 2023
You are feeling GRIEF.
You didn't cause any of this. You can't fix any of this. You are human and have limitations and cannot be a 24/7 chief cook, bottlewasher, nurse, doctor for your Mom. We have seen people here get strokes from this. We have seen them have breakdowns.

You have done what you can. You have told her you are sorry and cannot go on and you love her I would bet, and she has told you it is OK, which will hurt you even more to your core. Anger is always easier because it gives you something to think about other than to stand witness to the awful --the DREADFUL pain and loss upon loss upon loss.

You are grieving. What kind of person would you be if you couldn't grief this loss. And is it not worth your Mom's tears, all she must go through, whether you stand witness to it 24/7 or not. And to know she is a burden to her beloved daughter, because the honest truth is (I am 81 and know) that's what we become, no matter our good intentions.

I am so sorry. There is no way round this grief but moving through it. Remember, guilt belongs to felons and they NEVER feel it. Just love your mom. Just love her. And please love yourself and accept that you are not god, you are not even a Saint. It's a bad job description anyway, I always say. It's a kind of hubris to think we can be perfect. We can't. We are human beings.

My heart goes out to you.
DesertRose7 Jul 2023
Bless you AlvaDeer. Your kind words have really helped me to look at this situation differently. Yes, I do see myself as grieving and know that I need to move through it, much the way I did after my dad passed. My mom has been in my care ever since, the past 12 years. She was relatively independent at first but over the past 6-7 years she has been in steady decline. Your response to my post is so helpful and I thank you for it.
Hothouseflower Jul 2023
It sounds as though her needs will be better met in a SNF where there will be three shifts of caregivers available to give her around the clock care. You will not be able to come close to doing what these people will be doing for her. She needs to be where her needs are met.

Do not feel any remorse. You are doing the the best thing for her. You should feel proud of yourself that you were able to get this done.
anonymous1732518 Jul 2023
What nursing home is this with three shifts?
ConnieCaretaker Jul 2023
It is not you, but rather her body that has betrayed her.

lealonnie1 Jul 2023
Its ok to feel upset that your mom is in this helpless and broken down condition......its not ok to feel as if it's somehow your fault she's in this condition, or that you've "betrayed" her by placing her in a safe care environment. She's been fortunate enough to have lived 94 years so far, but now requires more care with everyday life than you're able to provide her with, or that she can provide for herself. The realistic solution is a SNF that's staffed with teams of caregivers to meet her needs.

That said, it's natural to feel guilty and sad over having to make such decisions. Then we often get to hear guilt trip lingo from chronic SNF-phobic posters here on the forum who should be ignored. In a perfect world, we'd all die before old age diseases and conditions set in to a degree we'd need managed care or help wiping our own butts. But we don't live in a perfect world and often have to make hard choices from a selection of ALL bad choices. Such is life.

My mother lived in a nice Memory Care Assisted Living facility for the last 3 years of her life, in a wheelchair, with advanced dementia and incontinent with severe neuropathy in both legs. She was beautifully cared for by "her girls" as she called them, and had a decent quality of life, too. In her condition, it was the best of a bad situation. I didn't feel guilty about the situation, but I always felt sad and tearful whenever I saw her.

Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
DesertRose7 Jul 2023
Thank you lealonnie1. The story you shared about your mom was touching and encouraging. I am sad that things aren’t as they were when my mom was younger, but this new life is what is best for her needs and her safety. Thank you for sharing your story of your mom.
Fawnby Jul 2023
You would have betrayed her if you hadn’t found a place where she’ll get the 24/7 care she needs. What you’re doing for her is the kindest and most responsible thing you could be doing.

What is wrong with you? You answered that question. You’re stressed out of your mind. Stop rethinking it and give yourself the credit you deserve. Get mom where she needs to be and take her some cookies. The aides too.
DesertRose7 Jul 2023
Thank you Fawnby. I appreciate your answer and you have helped me to begin to feel better about this very hard decision. And, yes, I like your idea to bring mom (and her aides) lots of great cookies. I have all of her special Christmas cookie recipes and would love to continue her tradition of baking those cookies for everyone to enjoy.
Gershun Jul 2023
What you are feeling is totally normal. Sometimes we need to put our head before our heart. Instinctively you know that this is the next most logical step. Does that make it any easier? No, it doesn't. But from what you have described your mom doesn't have any independence so you aren't taking that away from her.

You are not betraying her. You are saving her from more falls, falls that could possibly really cripple her.

Don't beat yourself up about this. You are doing the right thing.
DesertRose7 Jul 2023
Thank you Gershun. Your response makes a lot of sense and helps me to put this into better perspective. She has been in steady decline for the past several years and I think I just have chosen to ignore the inevitable. Making this tough decision is best for her safety and I know it was the right thing to do.
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