I joined this forum after years of reading articles and questions hoping someone's journey might help w/ our own. Here's some background on our situation and the issues we are having.
DH is an only child. We are in our late 30's, and his parents are in their early 70's. Both of them are retired educators. DH is VERY non-confrontational to the point of avoidance because of his parents. They have very few family members they are on speaking terms with. When concerns are addressed, they turn into confrontations and then it's a big blow up with tears, guilt, and gaslighting. There is also unresolved conflict in the marriage, but they still live together and put on a show for visitors.
The last few months, my husband and I have noticed that their clothing smells sour. Like clothes that sat in the washing machine too long. My FIL didn't fully regain his sense of smell after covid. Yesterday, my husband went in their bedroom and the entire room smelled sour. He wasn't sure if it was their sheets or if it was the clothes in the closet, but it was SOUR. A couple weeks ago, we visited their home and there was a distinct smell of (pet?) urine in the living area. Ever since I've known them, MIL has always kept scent plug ins in every room and wax melts burning constantly.
MIL has hearing loss. When you talk to her, you have to speak loudly and she has to see you. She moves her mouth and tongue slightly as you're speaking as if she's reading lips. (FIL has noticed it too.) I'm not sure if this part is related to hearing loss or something else, but I've never seen anyone but children do this: when she reads something (ex closed captioning), she reads out loud to herself. When she's reading a text message, you can watch her mouth moving to the words. Of course the TV and car radio are at a deafening volume. About a year ago, after accusing our DD of being disrespectful and rude, we knew we HAD to say something. She reluctantly consented to a hearing test and she does have marked hearing loss in both ears, but said she was waiting to let her hair grow out to cover her hearing aids. She still hasn't gotten them. Since that time, she has totaled a vehicle and has had a couple of near misses with my kids in her car. Kids don't ride with Nan anymore. FIL doesn't drive, but he KNOWS she needs hearing aids and wants DH to try to talk her into it because "she won't listen to him."
FIL is a pain clinic patient and is prescribed 2 different pills (one is hydrocodone) and ambien and takes and OTC sleep aid WITHOUT his dr's knowledge. He has been on hydrocodone for well over 10 yrs. He has over medicated a few times and "slept it off." Two years ago, he took his hydrocodone & ambien too close together. He fell asleep in the shower, getting out of the shower, and fell and broke a tooth on the counter. He thought it was funny. FIL & MIL have different sleep schedules, he's a night owl and doesn't wake up until around noon or later, which MIL has to be quiet- effecting her quality of life.
They hear or retell things differently than the actual event. I've been with them in certain places without DH and the retelling of the event to DH is always full of grandiose of what they did or what someone said or extreme distaste if the encounter was negative. I know that she invents conversations because I caught her multiple times. Knowing this happens OFTEN, it makes me wonder what their Dr's are aware of and what they're relaying back to us.
We had a "future care" meeting w/ them about a year ago. DH is supposedly on their HIPAA. He & I have discussed multiple times writing a letter to their PCP to discuss our concerns. Since it becomes a part of their medical record, he's afraid they will find out and then cut off contact with him. They have no other family close by, we are it. We can't take off work and go to their appts because they're almost an hour away from us.
Has anyone had any success in resolving similar issues or do we need to learn to cope?
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They are young. I think you are way too enmeshed with them. I think you need to step away. Their future care plans are up to THEM and THEM ALONE.
You are not responsible for their pet problems and poor housekeeping and poor decisions about when to turn on the washer. Also not about their care plan for THEIR FUTURE.
If you and hubby take on POA for these folks you are going to be going for two more decades with it. That is for sure. AT LEAST TWO MORE DECADES with everything getting a good deal worse. And with zero control or success or cooperation.
This has likely been an odd marriage from the get go. Let it continue to be and step away from it and get on with your lives. In fact, move to Alaska.
If your husband is so entangled with them that he cannot do that then you have a really tough decision to make for YOURSELF. If you have no young children it would only take me about 5 minutes to make my OWN decision, but YOUR decision is yours to make.
I am sad to sound so "brutal" when you are new and you are confused and you are in pain. But this entire situation CANNOT BE FIXED. And trying is going to cause a good deal of pain for all involved without any success whatsoever.
Plenty of us are in the “waiting for a fall” stage because there is nothing we can do.
Something is off with this relationship, parents and son. Something is being missed I am thinking. A TON of AC long time responders are hale and hearty at early 70s. Nothing dire is mentioned above. No one sees or hears well as they once did.
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Your profile says "future caregiver".
Nuh-uh.
My rule of thumb is that I will help arrange care for folks who are cooperative. Folks who aren't cooperating with my best attempts to arrange care are left to their own devices.
My mother (who was cooperative, raised her 3 kids to work as a team) got great care.
My MIL, who was manipulative, dismissive of any doctor who didn't agree with HER diagnosis and who played her kids off against each other got TERRIBLE care.
Do not prop these folks up. If they have an emergency, call 911 for them. Then call social services at the hospital and explain that you will not be providing care and that they can no longer live alone.
Also, please read this:
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/if-you-are-going-to-become-a-caregiver-480769.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�
Sounds like his parents are a hot mess due to drug usage (FIL, at least). Seventies is a little early for their wheels to come off the wagon cognitively, at the same time, but anything is possible if they aren't taking care of themselves.
If things get really bad and no one is their PoA, then APS will eventually need to be contacted so his parents get on their radar as vulnerable adults. Unless your DH acquires guardianship, the county eventually will. "Someone" is required to be a legal guardian in order for decisions to be made on another's behalf.
Regarding the HIPAA form... this is an annual thing and the form has to be filled out and signed by each parent for every doctor they see. Each parent needs to write in your DH's name as their Medical Representative, sign and date the form and hand it back to the receptionist at the clinic. This doesn't give DH any power to make decisions, it just legally enables their doctors to divulge their private medical information to your DH without the permission or presence of his parent. And it expires every year (I have to renew every year so assumiing it is all the same in every state).
If DH really is the MR for his Dad (with his PCP) then DH should definitely call and let that doc know his Dad may be abusing his oxy plus taking another OTC sleeping med.
His Mom may seem like she has a hearing problem (as was confirmed) but she may also have a comprehension problem, which can be confused as a hearing issue. No telling what has caused this or if it will get worse.
Lots of other medical/health issues can mimic dementia symptoms: UTI, dehydration, vitamin deficiency, diabetes, HBP, tumor, stroke, thryroid problems, over- and under-medicating of prescription meds...
If DH is the PoA for one or both of them then he has hope to get some things under control but it won't be easy if they are in denial or uncooperative. He would need to read the PoA document to find out what activates his authority. If it is a Durable PoA then it was effective the moment it was legally completed. If it is Springing then it usually means 1 or 2 medical diagnoses of incapacity is required first.
You will both need to work on accepting that things probably won't go smoothly. This is the retirement they planned for. If they ever want their son's help he needs to leverage this by asking they assign him as DPoA. If they won't do this, then he should consider watching things unfold from the sidelines. Easier said than done. Been there, done that with my Step FIL, stood by and allowed the county to get guardianship over him. It is what it is.
Many years ago my husband told me that he wasn’t ever able to communicate well with his father. His dad felt as though he was never wrong!
His mother was a sweetheart and we had a wonderful relationship with her. My husband chose not to be involved in his dad’s life after his mom died. I supported my husband’s decision. It’s sad, but he wasn’t a man who was easy to deal with.
Trust your husband on this situation. He was raised by these people. If he is avoiding them, then that is a sure sign of a red flag! Don’t take on any responsibility that you will regret later.
Best wishes to you and your husband.
I moved them across the country into a senior independent living apartment bldg after dad had 3 minor fender benders and gave up his license willingly. Mom was the unreasonable one, taking Ambien nightly, falling and breaking her ankle, going down the dementia highway but in denial and insisting she was perfectly fine. Dad had a brain tumor which eventually had me moving them into Assisted Living where dad died 10 months later. Mom stayed on in AL for 4 more years until I had to segue her into Memory Care for 3 years.
They were reasonable, however, and allowed me to manage their lives. Had that not been the case, I'd have had to wait for a crisis and then move them into managed care when the hospital said NO to living alone.
Its really a mess when parents make no plans for their old age, or when dementia hits and they can't think straight anymore. Which turns OUR lives into hell on earth in short order, too.
If your DH hasn't been given POA, your hands are pretty much tied right now. I'd wait to be asked for help before swooping in to save the day, bc they likely don't want that.
Best of luck to you navigating this whole situation.
Your in laws have the right to live this way.
My husband is an only child, as is my MIL.
(Edit: Truth be told, I probably needed hearing aids for 5-6+ years before I admitted it. Again, stupid me!)
Can't put my finger on this, but the OPs above are both ONLY early 70s. I mean many out there just cutting up the rug at that age, so something here with dependence on son growing and his willingness to allow it to is off for me. Can't pinpoint how.
When I was 81, I was still doing most of what you are, too. When we moved to the 55+ community where we live now, I was "only" 77 and still climbing ladders to trim our bushes/trees (probably not the smartest move). Eighty-five+ has been a big wake-up call physically, but that's just me. It's difficult to accept not being able to do what I once did. Lifting, bending, even walking--which I did daily at 1-2 miles/day for many years--have become harder and that's a drag.
On the upside I still drive, grocery shop, clean (with a helper every 2 weeks) do laundry, cat care and other basic housekeeping tasks. I can no longer maintain a garden, which I miss, and we never did travel much. As I've mentioned in other posts, we both worked into our mid 70s (I was 6 days short of 78 when my involuntary retirement occurred).
So. . . aging is a very individual thing for all of us, I guess. (I still haven't mastered my smartphone.)
The other issues that you describe are their issues - mainly personal and marital - and you're not going to correct them.
Your husband's parents have obviously cultivated a fear of their anger in your husband. It's totally understandable that he doesn't have the stomach for confrontation with them.
We all read lips when we listen to other people, whether we realize it or not. So what if MIL has developed a habit of moving her mouth when she is listening or reading - that should be a non-issue. If she doesn't want to wear hearing aids then she just won't get to hear what's going on around her. I wouldn't raise my voice to accommodate her though.
If your FIL has developed an addiction to hydrocodone and ambien then you won't be able to change that unless FIL wants help. It's his addiction so he has to own it. If he's a night owl, then so be it.
If they want to lie to their doctor, you will not change that, and going around them will surely ignite their anger.
If they embellish and are grandiose, then again - nothing that you should waste your time trying to correct.
You're not going to be able to fix the smell in their home either unless they realize it and want to correct it. At least you don't have to live there.
Enjoy the time that you have now because it sounds like they're headed for assisted living at some point and that will be when the confrontations will mostly likely have to take place.
Peace.
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