No help from my siblings in caring for Mom, who treats me badly. Where do I go from here?

Sorry, went out to read ur profile again and forgot we cannot edit. Continuing. What are you going when Mom die?

If Mom is 79 your not retirement age. You are losing years of SS earnings. SS only goes back 35 yrs from the date you apply. If your not working within that 35yrs, it effects ur earnings. If Moms care is getting too much, then time to have a family meeting to discuss placing Mom or taking her money to pay an aide to care for Mom while you at least get a p/t job. Explain that no one can spend 24/7 in a house with a person like Mom. You need to have time to yourself. Your not her daughter, your a slave.

Your siblings are under no obligation to help you. Best thing you can do is get that idea out of your head.

After you do that, it is time fo think about what you want your future to look like.

Dementia being involved you can't reason with her. I read your profile, put a lock on ur bedroom door. Easy to do. Keep the key around ur neck. See if her doctor can give her a medication for her agitation.

What are you going to do when she passes?

I’m sure one day, God will kick them in the ***
for doing nothing, and dumping all the stress and worries on you.

I bet you 1,000,000 hugs, that they wouldn’t even lift a finger to call APS, if it would be necessary. They would leave that to you, too. In other words, your siblings have criminally abandoned your mom. The minimum one must do as an adult child, is to call APS when necessary, otherwise it’s abandonment (a crime).

You’re there helping your mom, so it’s not an APS situation.

I’m just saying that, if it would be an APS situation (for example you want to walk away completely), I bet you, your siblings couldn’t even be bothered to call APS, so APS helps your mom. You’ll have to call APS. Your siblings won’t lift a finger for anything.

One day, God will kick them.

You can’t make your siblings who live far away help when they have their own families and seems like they have chosen to not be abused.

You can’t ask people to also be abused because you are abused.

You can have a zoom meeting with them to get a game plan on what to do about your mom.

What is it that you really want? Do you want to move out? Do you want to take a vacation? Do you want to hire caregivers? Do you want to put mom in a home?

"Where do I go from here?"

Where to you want to go?
Seriously?

Be Mom's main caregiver, but with more help?

Do you want to go to work? Maybe you already do? Or study?

Do you want to live where you do?

First of all, sibling relationships are complex to say the least.

Most caregivers don’t have help from their siblings. Occasionally, siblings help each other out and that is truly wonderful.

I don’t think it’s feasible for everyone in the family to help. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have empathy for you, of course I do.

I am no longer a caregiver. My parents are deceased.

I remember having my siblings over for holiday meals and listening to them talk about how wonderful their vacations were and thinking how terrific it was that they could go on special vacations, yet inside I was wishing that I could have be free as a bird too and travel again.

I would suggest that you take your focus off of your siblings and place your attention on what you want for yourself. The same applies for your mom. Decide how you want to live your life, then make plans for your mom to adjust accordingly.

Best wishes to you and your family.

I'm speaking to you with 25 years of caregiving experience with the elderly and also having been the sole caregiver to my narcissistic, emotionally abusive, gasligting mother.

Give right back to her and then some. If she tells you 'F***' like you say in your profile, give it right back. If she complains tell her shut the hell up and no one cares. The ignore her into oblivion. Pay her no attention whatsoever when she's 'acting up'.

You will never get the love or validation from her that you deserve. I won't from my mother either. So it's time for you to move on.
Your profile says you have professional skills in the healthcare field. That's good. Use them and a get a job. Get away from her. Enough is enough.
It's time to have a meeting with your other siblings and decide what to do with your mother together because it's time for you to walk away.

No one has to tolerate abuse and live with it. The abuser being family makes absolutely no difference whatsoever.
I'm also a true believer in respect being earned and not guaranteed. If your mother shows you no respect then show her none in return.
Then do absolutely nothing for her. If she depends on you for her meals like mine does, hunger will make her learn to mind her mouth.
If she's dependent on you for rides, let her miss a few appointments.
Don't play her games and stop tolerating her abuse. You're an adult, not a child. You have a choice. You don't have to take it.

I'm in exactly that same situation. I had three siblings, but only one is still living. Mom has always been abusive because she has borderline personality disorder. My sister has chosen to keep her distance almost completely, and I respect that from her. We had a rough childhood, and equally rough adulthood dealing with her. Mom is 101 years old now and lives with me. I think if you read any of my postings on here you'll see my frustration levels, which sometimes can be high. But what I do is the only sibling to care for her, and no friends are relatives willing to help. Is I try to be her friend when she is in that frame of mind, and when she is not I walk away. I try to keep a boundary up, when she is screaming or accusing, either I just turn around and walk away, or I tell her to knock it off and then I walk away. I started learning piano before she came, and I'm keeping up with that. I exercise, when she is in bed I ride my bike. I have finally talked her into wearing her Life alert necklace so I work in the mornings as a doordash driver, because I can set my own hours and be home in case of an emergency. I think the main thing is to keep your identity be as loving and friendly as you can be when that door is open and stand your ground or walk away when that door is closed and she's abusive. When I stand in front of the Lord one day, I'm hoping he'll say I did the right thing

You have to honestly address why you're caring for your mom. Do you have a fantasy that she will finally see that you're a good person and love you? Do you feel like you'll prove your worth, even if she's wretched, so you're martyring yourself by being her caregiver? Are you being paid or do you have housing as a result of your role?

As the others have said, you have choices. But expecting your siblings to offer themselves up to your nasty mother is kind of naive. They've chosen to focus on their own lives. You can respect them for that, or resent them for that. Your call.

Of course your siblings won't help you. Why would they when you're there at her beck and call? Plus I'm sure that they know that they too would be treated like sh*t if they were to try.
But guess what? You don't have to stay living with her and taking her abuse. Hopefully you've saved up enough money now to get the heck out of there and start living and enjoying your life.
And mom, well she can move into either an assisted living facility or memory care. And if she thinks she can live on her own, let her. You can put a call into APS and report a vulnerable adult living by themselves and they will come out and do an assessment on her.
You don't have to stay in this unhealthy situation. I do hope you know that. Start taking the necessary steps today to get yourself out of this mess you've gotten yourself into.

Your siblings it would seem were ALSO treated badly. They have made the decision that I myself would have made. They have extricated themselves from their abusive parents' lives.

We all make our own choices. Their choices may have caused you to feel that you are the only one to act on your parent's behalf. But if you are going to sacrifice your life to them, there will be little help for you in it.

For me, blood is not a whole lot thicker than water. I would not give care to parents who abused me. I would allow the state to do that, just as they must do it for elders who have no children to act in their behalf.

This is all, I know, easier said than done, and I am so sorry for the dreadful choices ahead of you. Your parents had their limitations. I am not blaming them. But I would also not advise you to sacrifice your own life to them.