Is it normal to be thinking about someone else 11 months after spouse passed?

When my first husband died, we’d been together about 15 years - since we were teens. Because I enjoyed the partnership of being a wife, I longed to be in another relationship. Because I was heartbroken, I never wanted to risk falling in love again.

Husband #2 and I have been together 25 years and have kids. Our surface interests such as careers, hobbies, taste in music, movies, books are different. But we have the same morals, politics and approaches to life. Even the same less common Myers-Briggs, if you’re into that. We are so happy together.

Sounds like your brain and heart need to have a serious chat.

Do follow the advice of earlier posters about sending money, frequent travel, etc. If he seems too good to be true, he might be. Enjoy yourself but do not be naïve.

Ideas, based on 20 years of dating post-divorce, and then finding a good husband:

1) Don’t get too involved if it’s all on-line. It simply isn’t the full story. Just enjoy the story for now.
2) Don’t send money, or get involved financially.
3) Meet his friends and family if you can. If possible, find a friend of yours who knows him.
4) Be very careful if he ‘travels’ a lot. It can be a sign of a double life.
5) It’s great that he’s interested in you, but that doesn’t tell you much about him. Does he tell you about himself, and make it interesting for you? My husband wooed me by explaining to me about how he managed a large bus fleet. I told him about my overseas travels (he had only been OS once, for work). We got more in common as time went on.
6) Loneliness is a very real emotion, don’t knock it. Enjoy his company, but keep your feet on the ground. And try to broaden your company – you don’t want to be lonely for the rest of your life, whatever happens with this friend.

Love, Margaret

What is "normal" for one person may not be "normal" for someone else.
What you are doing now, as I see it from my computer..and doling out my "wisdom" is this....
You are testing the water. Just like you did when you were a teenager. You are open to meet people, you are open to possibly having a relationship. Both are good things.
And I am guessing you have to learn how to date all over again. (probably a bit different now than it was for you 45, 46 or more years ago. I know it scares the heck out of me to even contemplate it..not to mention I am just to busy)
I have to ask..are you "lonely"? I am guessing not. Not if you have been out enough to meet people and to engage enough to entertain the thought of a relationship.
Funny thing is once you go out you will meet more and more people and possibly find one that has a shorter list of negatives. (Kinda like looking for a job, it seems to be easier to find a job if you have a job)

By the way 11 months since he died but it has been longer that you have been dealing with the loss. As soon as he got a diagnosis you were on an emotional rollercoaster and somewhere in the back of your mind you were preparing for his death so it is not just the 11 months.
Do not let anyone tell you it is too soon
Do not let anyone tell you that it is "time to get back out there"
We grieve in our own time, in our own way.
The death of a spouse or a child is not something you get over...you get through

My Uncle lost my Aunt when he was 60 to an accident. They had been married about 30 yrs. His sister had a SIL who was a Widow and came to all our family get togethers. They started dating. They traveled together and of course she came to family functions but they never married. They each remained in their own homes. They were together up until his diagnosis of ALZ and her alcoholic son came home to live. I know another woman who did the same thing.

My DH and I have little in common. We will be married 42 years tomorrow. I am #1 in his life. He respects me and my opinion. Our values are the same. He appreciates everything I do for him If this man makes u feel good about yourself, thats really important. You don't need to marry him. Just enjoy each others company.

HI Coylene - I really like what Alva and Geaton wrote - you've gotten some really great advice, so I don't want to repeat anything. I'll just say that I do think it's normal to be thinking about someone new and to the idea of getting to know someone. You deserve to continue your happiness!

I think it's good that you're being mindful about this as well...such as, you mentioned that "there is a laundry list of negatives for me."...can you elaborate on what specifically the negatives are? That would help!

Your feelings come out of someone paying attention to you. That simple.

Would you, if your girlfriend said she was with this guy, recommend she stay with him? Because there's the answer, and again it is a very simple one.

You are vulnerable now.
HOWEVER if a really good guy comes around, yes, it is normal for you to fall in love again pretty quickly, especially if you have a really good relationship in sharing your life with another.
Read Joyce Maynard, the author, on her facebook page. She lost her VERY beloved husband to pancreatic cancer and is in love with another good man, still celebrating her love for her hubby.
For someone younger, listen to Nora McNerney's podcast, Terrible, Thanks for Asking. Lost young husband to cancer, child she was carrying and her dad within months. Met, married, loved another but will still always love her first hubby.

Love begets more love. It fills you to overflowing with more to give.

BUT you know the guy now is a diversion, dangerous. And if you go on with this relationship sowing will come to reaping. You already see that.

I wish you the best. I believe you got this. And I sure do hope so. You see the red flags real clearly.

My aunt quickly had a new husband after her husband of many years died. She found someone kind and they proved a perfect match. After he died, she again quickly found a new husband and married for the third time. They were very happy together until he died. I have no doubt there would have soon been a fourth husband if she hadn’t been cursed with Alzheimer’s and forgotten how to find a man.
My husband and I are happily married and have always had little in common, so that can work too. Just spend time getting to know this man, without worrying about how it might look to anyone. You’ll know if it’s real soon enough. I wish you the best

Dating now has different implications than when we were young and interested in future building, like marriage and kids, mixed in with careers, etc. Still, it would probably be a good idea to have a notion of "must haves" and "dealbreakers" regarding any future romantic/friendship/skinship partner.

Aside from obvious attributes, like kindness, integrity, humor, affection, spirituality, generosity, responsible, etc., a man who has ambition may be more desirable when dating in my 20s than in my 60s. Maybe now it's more about fun and companionship than building a future together. Maybe this man's general personality is most important, plus physical and cognitive abilities; financial stability/means; interests and hobbies; etc. I'm just throwing stuff out here as examples, not implying these are "the" things. If you're going to "invest" in a relationship (even a more casual one) it's still good to have standards.

A caveat would be that if you have adult children, you dating "so soon" may shock and dismay them. This shouldn't prevent you from living your life but this is a real thing that can happen in families that causes upset.

It sounds like you met someone you would like to spend time with. Go out and have some fun. It doesn’t need to lead to a long term commitment.

I think it's great and you shouldn't feel guilty. I was married 10 yrs to a jerk. He wasn't that way until several years later. I got a divorce & was alone 4yrs met a nice man. He ended up being a drunk so I'm happy being alone. Glad I didn't have kids with either one & didn't marry the 2nd bozo. lol
Take it slow and let things progress naturally. Get to really know each other. Best of luck for a happy new relationship

I am happy for you that you've found someone who is genuinely interested in you and that you like. I say go for it and more power to you, sister.

A long time ago I started dating a wonderful man who had lost his wife. He had not been a widower long because he had a two year old. We got married not long after.

By allowing himself to love someone else didn't mean that he loved his first wife less.
Remarrying didn't make his first marriage mean less either.

I was married before too. I was divorced from my first husband. I helped take care of him when he was at the end of his life. I was married to someone else, but my husband understood. I loved and lived with this man since I was a teenager. I loved his family and I still do.
None of this undermines or makes my love and commitment to my second husband any less.
The same goes for you.

If you have a laundry list of negatives for what the two of you don't have in common, throw that crap away today.

No one says you have to get married to this guy tomorrow or any time.
What's wrong with just dating someone? How about for companionship?
If he likes you and you like him, who cares what the two of you don't have in common?

You were married for 43 years, so you're not a young woman anymore. You already found a partner and settled down and built a life with him. He's gone now though and I'm very sorry for your loss.
Death ends a life. It doesn't end a relationship. You loved your husband and did right by him. I'm sure he wouldn't want you to be alone and lonely.

Go out with this guy who's interested and see if you like him. No pressure and make sure he knows this. Just go on a date.

If anyone has anything to say, twll them to go pound sand.

Good luck.

It's completely normal. You're used to being married. Your marriage was pretty good. This new life is strange and possibly uncomfortable. A new person is a distraction from thinking about your partner's sickness and death. It's been a long time since you had a new potential romance in your life.

Completely normal. Don't beat yourself up. But, as others have already said, be careful. "Nothing in common" and a "list of negatives" says that you might be ready to think about someone else, but this guy is not a good fit.

I'd suggest joining a grief support group, where you could meet new people in the same boat as you. If you want to start dating again, go for it! It can be light and for companionship and fun and nothing more. It would probably be a good place to start.

1. How did u two meet?
2. If he approached u, be super cautious.
3. if u met online, run away. Watch a few Dr. Phil episodes about being “catfished.”
4. If friends introduced you, then there may be hope.

Loneliness is awful, but having all your money taken and still being lonely is waaaay worse. The world has gotten meaner.

Old adage "The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter", rebounding. Be cautious!

Old adage "The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter", rebounding. Be cautious!