We got her an "alert" thing she wears to stay safe on her own. She told me today, "With the caregivers gone, how am I going to get my paper? I'm afraid to walk outside." She is a widow and has had 3 bad falls. She uses her walker. I am the only one out of us 4 kids that has discussed assisted living and she is already butting heads with me. I am the "this is the truth, deal with it" kid of us. I am also a widow and own my own business. I take care of myself. My 2 brothers each live almost 3 hours away and my sister, well she doesn't approve of my approach. Mom calls me almost daily.
"Sharon something is wrong with my TV.
"Sharon, can you order me some groceries?"
"Sharon, I have a doctors appointment in 3 days can you take me?"
When I tell her I have appointments with clients she tells me, "I guess I'll get a stranger to help me." She raised a smart kid, she can't fool me with that lol. She doesn't call my other siblings. I call her every night just to see how her day was and to tell her I love her. I have empathy, but I can't just close up shop when I have clients that have already paid to pick something up. My younger brother (50) actually drives up to Charleston from Beaufort once or twice a week to stop in and see mom. I guess I'm trying to make sure I am not being selfish. Sometimes I'm so busy with my business, I feel guilty if I'm not able to tend to her. I mean if it's something very urgent I run over. I live 6 minutes away.
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I briefly hired PWS so I could guarantee myself 4 uninterrupted hours every other day but my mother blew her stack and tried blocking them from entering her house. Eventually she tried killing herself because I wouldn’t leave my husband and kids for her. That’s when we had her taken to the hospital and into a care home. She has dementia.
Being the person who expects her wants and needs fulfilled right now, with no regard for what others are doing, is selfish. Setting boundaries, such as completing your business with a client, is not selfish.
Stand firm with your boundaries.
I would have the long hard sitdown talk with your Mom. Be very kind and very gentle but tell her that you cannot any longer be coming over to do all the things she requires of you, nor doing more than one check in call per day. That she will have to be able to be independent enough to do for herself or to hire help or to enter ALF.
My guess is that your Mom would love it. So many activities to keep them busy, and all the help and the chit chatting and not a thing to worry about.
But if you enable her she will never give it a try. You are going to have to practice a bit of tough love here, I think, and see if that helps.
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"Why do I always have to pay someone else to help me!" I was as calm and apologetic as I could be when I told her, "Life costs money. You choose to live in this house and it's beyond your upkeep and mine, so you're going to have to find people that can help you better than I can."
When she asks me about a suspicious email I ask her what it says and she screams at me, "I can't read it it's too small!" Basically if she could get me to do everything she would try and when I set boundaries, hard as it is, I get a verbal volcano on me.
I told her yesterday, "Why are you always so angry at me?" She just stared off into space. It isn't me. But, it won't be directed at me any longer.
Or insert the task de jour...
I don't know Mom. What will you do?
Breathe. Pause. Wait. Imagine elevator music playing...
Mom will decide. Either do without or re-hire her aides.
It looks to me as though you might NEED them again. I NEED to keep my business afloat, and loving you dearly, I’ll help you rehire some nice people to do what you’re afraid to do.
I’ll come this Wednesday and we’ll make some phone calls……..”
"How are you going to get x, y, z done mom?" I asked.
Talk about a dropped jaw.
I was supposed to be the plan. Not so.
So I wondered.. what's a ONE sided co-dependant situation?
A ha! *Dependant*
A Social Worker I met summed it up so quickly & accurately. Was a shock to hear: Your relative is not living alone, independantly. Your relative is living alone, dependanly. Heavily dependant on family.
Once I saw it - any guilt to fix or personally keep propping up vanished. My next task was to back out. This allowed other help in.
Charlestongirl, how about your situation? Is it similar?
this really struck a chord with me because my mother is a control freak. You should be livid with her because her solution is for you to be doing it now. It’s time to speak up.
Please reread the above sentence.
They want us to do everything for them because it is easier than having to figure it out on their own. My father would call me at work over his remote not working. This was a crisis! What was he going to do! What couldn't I come over right now and fix it for him (sadly my office was less than a half mile from his apt). Tell them it is for your father! When I did go over, I would try and show him how to reprogram his remote but he waved his hand and say it was easier if I did it. Sure for him it was but not me. I learned that all non-emergency issues would be dealt with on my every other Thursday visit to take him grocery shopping. Can't be bothered to help yourself, well then you get to wait until my regularly scheduled visit if you want me to do it.
Point out to your mother that she had someone to pick up her paper but she fired them, so what did she expect? You are not available to pick up the slack for her bad decisions.
How am I going to get my paper? IDK, mom, what are you going to do about that?
You’re fine. Not selfish. You have to protect your business so you have income to save for your golden years. Carry on.
Our parents are already supposed to be adults!