I’ve been dealing with a difficult parent for just over 20 years. She is sharp tongued and demanding with me. She was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder when she was in her early 60s and I have always been called upon to make decisions related to her care. Drive her to appointments. Too much to type. While I have a younger sister, she hasn’t been involved in any of it. It’s becoming much more difficult, and I need some support. My dad passed away years ago. Last week I read my mom’s Healthcare Surrogate form where it lists my sister. Shocking to me. Now, mom can no longer “age in place” she recently fell, broke her hip and after days in the hospital I slept in the room with her. She was moved to rehab. The medical professionals do not think she should go home to live alone. I agree. Mom doesn’t agree. She refuses to live with me. My sister hasn’t asked her to. Her home could be sold, and she could move into a lovely assisted living close to her home. Without selling her home, she wouldn’t have the money to hire full time care. This all weighs so heavy on my mind. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Maybe there is something I am not thinking of. Thank you!
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Our parents never seen to get over seeing us as kids; let a professional in a lab coat do the talking. Make sure you explain to discharge what you are and aren't willing to do.
I would never consider allowing someone who was rude and demanding live with me.
She can always say that she wouldn’t dream of going against the doctor’s orders.
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I don’t think you’re missing anything, other than your feelings matter just as much as your mother’s feelings.
Your mom has been dependent upon you. You have been very generous with your time and have helped her during her time of need. She is now in need of more care than you can possibly provide on your own.
She turned down your offer to move into your home. Were you planning on hiring additional help? Your sister isn’t interested in having her move in and she doesn’t have to make the same offer as you have. Who knows why she listed your sister on paperwork?
So, she has two options, remain at home with additional help. Or enter a facility. She doesn’t have the funds to hire in home care, so the only real option is to sell her home and move into the assisted living facility.
As sad as it is, life changes and sometimes major adjustments are needed to accommodate these changes.
Move forward with telling your mom that you realize that she will miss her home. Reassure her that she will get used to living in her new surroundings. Tell her that you will be visiting her and overseeing her care if you plan on doing so.
You can then go back to being her daughter instead of her caregiver.
Best wishes to you and your mother.