I'm the primary caregiver for my father. I know that the mind changes as we get older but I have noticed that he seems to get jealous when I do something that does not involve him. Also, it seems as if just because he has gotten older and can not do many of things he used to do, he wants me to stop doing things just because he cannot. I know that it bothers him to be limited as to what he can do and I understand but sometimes he has an attitude towards me because I'm happy about something. I recently received a job offer that I have wanted for a long time and he does not seem very happy for me. He even told me that I should not tell anyone (such as posting on social media) because people will try to sabotage it. He said this before when I received something I was really proud of. It is like he does not want me to celebrate myself. As I said before, I know the aging process can change people but he has been like this since I was younger. I just wanted to reach out to see if anyone else experiences this.
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I didn't tell my mom anything about my life. It wasn't because we were close so I got the good, bad and ugly, it was because she tried to destroy anything good in my life. So she lost the privilege of knowing anything. This sounds like your situation. Dad can be whomever he is, just not on you neck.
Learning to not share is challenging and quite frankly, it sucks but, it's how we protect ourselves from the toxic dump that happens when we do share.
You matter and deserve to have happiness in your life, if dad can't contribute to that, well he doesn't get to be close enough to hurt you. Remember, that separation is his choice and he gets to pay the consequences.
Good luck on your new job and stance with daddy dearest.
Thank you very much!!!!!
You are right, it sucks not to share but it is best when I do not because the negativity only breaks my happy spirit. I have learned to just share with other friends and family.
What a terrible thing to say that she wishes your husband dead. Even my mother who will go very low with what she'll say to me, never wished either of my husbands dead. If she did, she never said so to me.
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"You look better than I do!" I once heard when it was time for Sunday brunch.
Ok, you have 35 years on me but, whatever.
"Gee I wish I had THAT kind of money."
I told her I didn't know what that means. "Oh well... you know," my mom said.
"No, I don't." She played dumb and wouldn't answer further.
When I told her how excited I was for a weekend spa day girlfriend weekend I got this low voice, "must be nice..."
So, mother is on an 'information diet,' as I call it and does not know what I do or where I'm going (not that she ever needed to know or always knew). I'd hoped she'd be happy for me at first, that I was doing these things but when it became a "oh, wow you have so much money," or "oh, I wish I had that kind of luxury," I quit telling her.
That started before her old age but has continued well in. It's like they say, if they're like this before dementia it will only get worse. So now, I tell her I went to the local library for finger painting classes and the teacher told me I'm not as good as the others.
"Sounds about right."
Let.
It.
Go.
Roof damage destroyed our bathroom and I chose a neutral but very attractive tile and white fixtures for the rebuild.
”Oh, I suppose you think you’re entitled to new towels and accessories in a different colour!”
Um... no... all the old stuff looked just fine, thank you.
Ironic because she bought all new everything when she reno’d her bathroom. <sigh>
It may be easier to not let your father know everything that is going on in your life , so he doesn’t rain on your happiness and he doesn’t get reminded as often that you are having good things happen , while he is suffering losses.
Just a suggestion . You don’t have to hide things from him if you don’t want.
Sometimes I did not tell everything , it worked for me.
First off it is not their business, I am an adult and both of my parents were jealous of my career and my education, which I worked and paid for.
They were very clear, if I wanted to further my education, it was on me, as they only had a few years of high school and I too could work in a factory.
Factory work wasn't for me.
Share with your friends or other family members who will support you.
OP:
Some family and fake “friends” will sabotage your success, happiness, life…They’ll ruin your life unless you get them out of your life…or at least, less contact.
The elderly are feeling the losses of not being able to do what they used to do . However you said your Dad was even like this when you were younger . Therefore he is not going to change at this late stage . If anything it will get worse as he is unable to do things he wants to do .
Not making light of what you are dealing with at all , however, I have a ridiculous ( you can’t make up this stuff ) jealous story regarding my ( deceased) mother . My mother was a jealous narcissist . Appearances meant everything to her . She always had to have the best house in the family and on her street . She lived to redecorate .
Nearly 20 years ago my husband and I bought the house we live in now. It was 2 years old , a divorce situation, got a good price. It is bigger than our tiny first house . Not a huge house , 2200 square feet , but has a decent amount of nice upgrades. At the time my mother who was close to 80 was irate that I was buying this house. She told me that I “don’t deserve to buy this house “ because I “ would not decorate it properly”. And she got angry with me, and told me I should let her buy this house . She didn’t want me to have it . She wanted my kitchen as she liked it better than her own . I’m somewhat of a minimalist in decor because I grew up in my mothers museum of collections where you could touch nothing .
When I moved out I declared that I will use any and all bath towels hanging in my own home. Lol. My mother even introduced me to one of her neighbors once as her “ daughter with the bare boards house .”
Your mom reminds me of my husband’s grandmother! She had everything in life, yet she was never satisfied!
If your dad has always been like this, then it's not aging. It's the way he thinks, for whatever reason.
My mother grew up in a family that subscribed to the notion that children should be taught to not want to further themselves, because it would lead to failure and humiliation.
Perhaps your dad had a similar upbringing?
You are probably right! I think he may have had a similar upbringing. He will also seem to "find" things for me to do sometimes when he knows I'm going to do something for myself such as just an outing.
Isn’t it sad that some mothers feel as if they are in a competition with their children?
Respectfully, the person needing "fixing" here is you (since ourselves is the only person we can control). Have you ever worked with a therapist to find healthy boundaries and develop strategies to defend them? We can't choose our relatives but we can choose if/how we engage with them. Can you offload the caregiving to someone else? Even some of it?
People's negativity is exhausting (my Mom is a "glass half empty" "the sky is falling person"). Maybe put your energies into finding great friends rather than spending any more with your father. I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you find your boundaries.
I can't force my toxic FOO to respect or empathize with me. You can't do that with your dad either.
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