Caring for my elderly Inlaws. Finding the balance?

I would lock my doors, there is no reason for you to have an open door policy, it is disrupting your life your peace.

It is your husband's responsibility to deal with his parents, not yours. Time for him to have a heart to heart with them, not you. Your husband cannot dump all of this on you, unless you let him. You just allow your husband to tune out?

Set your boundaries and stick to them, the ball is in your court.

Two years ago when I noticed my Mom’s hearing was becoming an issue, and was in denial about, I informed her that I refuse to shout in order to communicate with her & that I won’t be caregiver to someone who didn’t solve a very solvable problem. I told her if she’s so confident of her hearing then I would take her to a (free!) hearing test so she could prove me wrong.

She got hearing aids at Costco but I have to put them in for her. Part of her resistance is some mild cognitive decline (early on it presents as stubbornness).

maybe this is your FIL’s issue, maybe he has neuropathy in his fingertips like my Mom or doesn’t have the dexterity to put them it.

You could consider putting a large sign on the door to your home that he enters by, that says, "Dear ___, please have your hearing aids in before you come in. We appreciate it!"

Otherwise one of you will need to walkt him back to his place and put them in for him if his wife can't/won't. My Mom lives next door to me and I am resigned to having to do this because nothing else incentivized her to do it herself, so I assume it is due to her cognitive decline.

Another instance where Popsicles may help, or if you're inclined and your in laws can still eat it, have an evening where you all can have a bowl of ice cream, homemade if possible.

Start locking the doors. Speak in your normal voice. My father used to drive us crazy with his refusal to get hearing aids. I refused to do things for him --like make phone calls on his behalf- because he refused to help himself. I don't need more work because you can't be bothered to deal with your own issue. Don't make it my issue. The crazy thing is my husband's hearing is really going and he refuses to do anything about it. I get so mad when he misunderstands what I just said. And I point it out every single time but they will do what they want. Just stop compensating for his refusal to do anything about his hearing.

I wouldn’t start yelling so he can hear, then he will get mad that you are yelling at him. BTDT.

Talk in your normal voice. If he won’t put his hearing aids in, that is the consequence to his actions.

There is no balance

Maybe talk with your mother-in-law and explain the situation? Maybe she can do something.

Hearing problems cause and/or can exacerbate dementia. There's been a lot of research on the subject, and you can look it up.

He may have cognitive issues along with the hearing problem, in which case even if he hears you, he may not be understanding what you say. If the connection between brain and ears is faulty, as in neuron pathway, it may take a longer time for his brain to comprehend your words. You need to let his doctor know what's going on.

In the meantime, stop the open door policy.

"I can't do that, it would hurt their feelings. We've always done it this way."

What's more important, their feelings or your sanity? And just because you've always done it this way doesn't mean that you need to continue a pattern that can only lead to more misery for you.

Yesterday isn't today. Today isn't tomorrow. If I were you and husband, I'd be discussing plans to find them a place where they can have a social life that doesn't include impinging on your private space.

"Oh, but we can't do that!"

Can't you?

Set limits. That will be for your own peace and comfort. Tell him the times of day he may visit, and how many days he may visit.

Let him know without his hearing aids you can't communicate with him as the yelling is hurting your ears. You will need to talk honestly and set the rules.

You can’t change someone who frustrates you. By the way, some people in life will INTENTIONALLY want to frustrate you; they like it. They like the look on your face.

Only way out, is less contact. Avoid the person who constantly frustrates you.