I don't feel I am a good caregiver. How do I handle the resentment?

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/any-help-he-has-always-been-obsessive-compulsive-but-it-is-getting-worse-472088.htm

You posted for the first time January 2022 so you are still dealing with this. You can't continue to push yourself. Your probably 67 by now. Maybe time to place DH. If you have any assets, they need to be split. His split going for his care in a LTC facility. When it runs out, you apply for Medicaid for him. You become a Community Spouse, remain in the home, have a car and maybe able to get part of his SS to live on. There is also a form, that you can fill out saying you will not support him from your money. I am just giving u the basics here. You need to consult with an Elder lawyer to see what your rights are. You may too want to see if getting a divorce may be in ur best interest. As a nurse, you should be able to make enough to support yourself. The State can take over his care.

As I see it u don't have too many options. Since u work so much, who cares for him? If you leave him alone, at some point this will not work anymore. Another option would be to call APS (Adult protection) and tell them you can no longer care for him and see if they can help u get him placed. Another is to pack up and move out calling APS and saying there is a vulnerable adult who is alone. Leave no number or forwarding address.

It sounds to me that you feel this way because you are not happy in your marriage anymore, and that of course would make caregiving very difficult for someone you no longer love. You say that you "hate how I am" but I think you may actually hate him.
If that is the case then it's time to see a divorce lawyer and let the chips fall where they may, so you can find happiness again.
I wish you well.

Of course you are a good caregiver, being a nurse.
There is no time to be his caregiver if you are working, caring for others.
So the result is burnout.

Allow his retirement plan to kick in and pay for his own caregiver.
Resource his health insurance benefits, or if he is a veteran, there could be Aid & Attendance Benefits.
Resource 'stepsons' for help. (His sons? Your stepsons, not your sons?). Do they work at the business he retired from?
Who "owns" the business now? Resource any hidden funds. If a closely held corporation he still owns, you are being exploited, because this does not sound to be on the up and up.

Downsize.

Quit at least one job.

Get emergency treatment for burnout.

From your profile: "I am caring for my husband Eric, who is 82 years old, living at home with alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, depression, diabetes, and hearing loss."

Who takes care of your H while you are working your jobs?

How much money did he give your stepson? Did he give away most of his assets, and that is why you have to work all these jobs?

I'd be resentful, too. Please see an attorney to consider your options. The status quo should NOT be one of them!

Unclear about what ails him.

I'd see a lawyer pronto before you wind-up more than hating him.

What he did would've had me out so fast you'd think I had a rocket in my b*tt.

Before you know it 15+ years will whiz by and if you go bananas you'll be lucky.

Retirement is a major change.

It changes a lot - the household daily pattern for both + the retired person having to find new purposeful activities.

It's a big finacial change too.

It seems from what you say this has been thrust upon you. Not a joint decision or a decision you discussed together. Many couples need to retire at separate times, due to health, different ages, career type.

Can you discuss the implications with your husband & make a plan together for your shared future?

If not, maybe with a third party eg a marriage councillor would help?

Then with a financial planner to ensure yoir financial position is viable. That both your incomes - your salary at *reasonable* working hours + his pension/allowance (if any) will be sufficient. Otherwise, how to make changes so it is. Eg many downsize their home to reduce debt or move to a location better suited to aging.

Perhaps talk to a therapist? Maybe that will help you decide what you would like to do. It sounds like you are more resentful of the financial situation and that you feel "he really never considered me". That's a marital issue. The financial situation is why you are working 3 jobs. That makes the caregiving even more difficult to do without resentment .

Maybe talking to a therapist will help you decide if you want to go to a lawyer to see what your options are. Perhaps an eldercare lawyer. Sorry you are in this situation. I'm sure you didn't expect to be working 3 jobs. Did your husband give the money away because he already had dementia ?

Mjiotti,

Welcome to the forum.

It’s understandable that you’re angry and resentful about being a caregiver for your husband because of your particular circumstances.

He hasn’t exactly been forthcoming regarding how he handled his finances or being sensitive to your needs.

It’s exhausting to work full time as a nurse and then go home and take care of your husband.

Do you have any outside help? How serious are his health concerns? Who cares for him when you are working? Does he require 24/7 care?

Your feelings will have an impact on how you view caregiving for your husband. I am glad that you recognize this.

If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed to the extent of not wishing to be his caregiver any further, please consider placement in a facility as a viable option.

Have you tried marriage counseling to discuss your situation?

If you don’t mind sharing a bit more information, perhaps we could be more helpful.

Best wishes to you.

(((Hug)))

You’re much younger, so you knew this would happen at some point. He was bound to get elderly before you.

Sometimes women marry much older men because they’re wealthy. Sometimes men marry much younger women so they have a caregiver later in life.