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KimberlyO Asked July 2023

My dad thinks he's a Casanova!

I'm growing concerned my Dad may be asked to leave his Christian church funded ALF. He is 85, diagnosed with Alzheimers over 10 years ago, and a 20 year prostate cancer survivor. He uses a rollator for a drop foot. As you know, ALFs are predominantly female. His has about 6 men to over 50 women. Last November, a woman with early dementia decided he was HERS. She cried and wheedled to get him to do as she wanted-even sleeping in her apartment with her. So, the facility ended that (they don't tolerate immorality, and I agree with their standards) by moving him out of the main dining room for meals to a smaller dining area on his hallway. Sunday, yes! 3 days ago! I get a report that he was found in another lady's bedroom with her and they were kissing. This lady also has dementia. I asked if it was consensual, and the answer is Yes, but not allowed. We were beginning the process of moving Dad to a higher lever of care in another hall (still AL not MC) and now that's off the table because she lives on that hall and putting him in closer proximity may make the situation much worse. He thinks he's quite a catch. He is a Christian, his wife/my mom has been deceased 3 years. I cannot bring him to my home to live. There are other facilities in town, but this is the best in my opinion. It is 15 minutes from my home, and I visit every day. I know the Alzheimer's removes filters and he would be embarrassed (if he could comprehend and/or remember) at his horny behavior. How have you personally dealt with this situation? Is there a medication to turn off this behavior? His health is otherwise excellent. His older sister is in her mid 90s. He could live another 10 years getting in and out of these situations. He is not progressed to the point of a memory care facility.

MargaretMcKen Jul 2023
Whatever you think about this, you are unlikely to change the ‘rules’ in this Church-run facility, or to change your father’s behaviour. Other people’s views won’t help. Start looking for a better facility.

For interest, this is a controversial issue, and some places have rules to permit ‘consensual rights’. The same issues arise in facilities for young people with Downs syndrome or other mental issues. These days residential facilities often give sex workers access for people with spinal defects, no matter what the Board thinks!

Many many old people regret having no-one to cuddle – one reason that grandchildren are so welcome. You could try to see if management could encourage a session with safe pets to touch. A spoonful in the mouth at dinnertime is not the only contact I want to end my own life!
NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2023
So true! People miss having someone to hold.
NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2023
No one is ever the same after getting dementia. Having said that, he could be lonely. If the situation gets out of hand you could look into meds and see if they help.

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Fawnby Jul 2023
Where my BIL lives, a small and very nice group home, he was frequently holding the hand of a sweet lady on about the same level of dementia as he is. They watched TV together, and her husband didn't mind. No serious hanky-panky was allowed, but it was okay to sit close, hold hands, and maybe kiss (I don't know about that part).

Fawnby Jul 2023
Assisted living can actually be a lot of fun, and I don't mean just the target-rich environment for males. There are activities, outings, all sorts of things to do, plus people that help residents to do them.

Too bad the activities don't include a daily game of spin the bottle like we played as young teenagers. Hey, there's an idea........

tiredsister Jul 2023
How can anyone with diminished mental capacity give consent?
southernwave Jul 2023
Yea, I’m serious about this. Consent can’t exist by definition.
NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2023
This isn’t unusual and you will receive various responses on this topic.

Best wishes to you and your dad.

Hothouseflower Jul 2023
I don’t think his behavior is terrible if it was consensual. But the female resident’s family might not like it. There is that too.

But if there are rules in place they have to be followed.

JoAnn29 Jul 2023
As said, this has been discussed more than once. But this is a Church run facility and their rules. If Dad sees a Neurologist maybe ask him if there is something to give Dad to tone it down.

With my Mom, who suffered from Dementia, she disliked men. So no worries there.

anonymous1732518 Jul 2023
What other activities can he do to stave off boredom?

verystressedout Jul 2023
I know “consent” is a fine line when dementia is involved…but my personal opinion is, I find it sad that your consenting dad and the woman weren’t allowed to kiss. It’s not fun to be in AL. How lucky for them that they shares a few minutes of joy, maybe even extreme joy, more joy than any of us will ever know.

I think the AL staff is just jealous of them ;). So they separated them.
verystressedout Jul 2023
I understand they were separated because it’s against AL policy.
funkygrandma59 Jul 2023
Just because your dad is a Christian and has dementia, it doesn't mean that he doesn't still want love and attention. For Pete's sake, we all do don't we?
And quite honestly what harm is there in sleeping in a women's room or even kissing a woman if it's consensual at his age? I mean really.
Let the poor man live and enjoy whatever time he may have left on this earth. He's not hurting anyone.
Perhaps you need to move him to a facility that is not quite so strict.
He's just wanting a lady friend and what is so wrong about that? If he didn't have dementia and found a lady friend that he wanted to spend time with and kiss and hold hands with, and even sleep in her apartment, would it bother you then too?
I would hope not. Your dad just wants to be loved by someone of the opposite sex. I don't think that feeling ever goes away. At least I hope it doesn't.

I know that this is a tricky subject and has been on this forum before. And because dementia is involved it makes it even trickier.
My thought being a Christian too, that if it's consensual, there is absolutely no harm in him kissing someone or spending the night in someone's apartment as we don't know what if anything even went on in there. I mean your dad is single and he is just wanting to mingle.
It would be a different story if he was forcing himself on these women, but it doesn't sound like he is, so let him enjoy it while he can as there will come a time when his disease will have progressed to the point where he more than likely won't even be able to get out of bed.
I know that children have a hard time thinking about their parents being sexual beings, but guess what.... they/we are.

southernwave Jul 2023
I don’t know but I have wondered where this so called consent is when everyone has dementia. I’m going to follow this, and I hope someone can help you.

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