Is it wrong to put mom (with dementia) into a home because I feel the need?

Your sister does not understand the extent of your mom's needs. Time to go on vacation for a week ASAP and put sister in charge and you go off the grid. Entirely. See how quickly sis will think AL is a wonderful idea!

Back waaaay off on mom's care. Hire people, with her money, to take care of her house.

Get her a house cleaner and some aides and take your life back. Best answer is AL but these other suggestions will get you out of the front lines and back into your own life, where you belong.

Your sister should have the POA and she can handle all of mom's needs and everything else to keep her safely at home.

She can arrange the 24-hour care for mom at home. She can arrange for any renovations to get made on the home to make sure it's safe, and get them paid for. Your sister can take the hysterical and mean phone calls and texts. Let her go running when there's a problem with the air-conditioner or the garbage disposal doesn't work.
Then you come by for coffee and pie once or twice a month for an hour. This is what my sister did until I just washed my hands of the whole situation.

Your mother sounds like she needs to be in AL or MC. Here's the thing about AL though. They will not take her to doctor's appointments. You will still have or make an arrangement for someoen else to.

Leave your sister in charge though. Tell her plainly that if she wants to keep mom at home, she will be taking all of the responsibility of that choice. You don't have to.

If your Mom has a Dementia, she should not be living alone. Dementia is too unpredictable. Never know what they are going to do. Thats a good reason to have her placed. Never move in with her and don't move her in with you. If you have to run over for every little thing, then Mom is not independent.

If it has not been done already, try to get Mom to a Neurologist. Get a formal diagnoses of her Dementia and what type. Ask about medications that may help with the meanness. Then tell sister you are no longer going to be Moms go to person. Time to place her or sister can take over being at Moms beck and call.

Some simple sounding questions.. but maybe something you, Mom & your sister could discuss together.

Is Mom currently independant living at home? Needing a bit of help? Or a lot of help?

What changes will be made as Mom's needs more help?

And a question for your sister on her wish 'to leave mom at home until she dies'. 
Why?

I've heard many many reasons.. what are hers?

The problem is not that your mother sends mean texts or calls, the problem is that you and your sister respond to them.

You are not responsible for maintaining your mother's house, if she is independent and can live outside of AL, fine, show me.

The way to find out is to stop doing what you are doing, compensating for what she cannot or will not do.

Sometimes we caretakers are our own worst enemies, overdoing everything to please others.

Your sister? Well, if she doesn't carry her own weight and you are doing everything then she has NO vote.

Set your boundaries, say no to your mother, stop doing everything for her, stand up for yourself. If she texts toxic words, ignore them, do not respond or run over there.

If she calls either don't answer or if you do, once she starts, tell her that you are going to hang up as you will not be talked to that way, and hang up. Do this every time, if she gets nasty when you are with her, leave.

Get control of your life, stop condescending to her.

Yes IMO, AL is exactly where she needs to be, as she is unable to care for herself, however even then you need to take back your life and stick to your boundaries.

Good Luck!

From your profile: "I am caring for my mother Ernestine, who is 84 years old, living at home with alzheimer's / dementia."

I take it you live close to your mother? How often are you over there, and what do you have to do while there? Housecleaning, yard work, maintenance? You are also apparently her transportation (to the doctor, but also to other places?). What do you mean by reponsible for her medication? Do you have to order refills? Do you have to dispense it to her daily? Do you load it into a pill dispenser for her?

Where does your sister live, and what does she do for your mother?

Who is POA/HCPOA for your mother? And what is the plan for when your mother needs 24/7 help? Does your sister plan for YOU to be that help?

What is your mother's financial situation? Could the sale of her house fund her living in a facility?

YOUR opinion matters more than your sister's, as you are the one "livin' the dream (nightmare!)" here.

Mom is, and will continue to be until she dies, suffering from a degenerative illness that is causing her to lose her ability to generate and moderate cogent, reasoned thought.

Given her age and current circumstances, SAFETY and responsible care are becoming the most important factors in decision making on her behalf.

Do either you or your sister have a doctor’s written diagnosis of your mother’s mental status? Do either of you have a POA?

Wanting not to take care of a crotchety elderly relative is a perfectly normal reaction, but providing responsible care (whether in the best residential setting you can find, at home with paid hands on help, or with your own hands) needs to be based on numerous factors, including finances, input of involved family members, current physical/cognitive/emotional health of Mom, practical safety in current surroundings, input of medical personnel who contribute to Mom’s wellbeing profile.

So do YOUR HOMEWORK. Determine what she needs, and how to meet those needs.

By all means, have a down to earth discussion with your sister. It’s probably time to drop the phrase “…in a home…”.

What does your sister have to do with your mom going into an assisted living facility?

Is there any way that your sister could prevent your mother from entering a facility? If the answer is no, then I would go ahead and tour the facilities that you are interested in. Schedule an appointment to go see them.

What would happen if you told your mother no if you didn’t want to drop everything to go to her home to help? Does she ever ask your sister to help? Would she drop everything to help?

I sense that you are the reliable one in the family that she depends upon. Make a list of phone numbers of reliable contacts that can do the jobs that you are doing for her and tell her that you can no longer drop everything because you have your own responsibilities.

When she calls your sister and she says no, she will be forced into calling someone from your contact list that you gave her.

Best wishes to you.

Right or wrong is a moral judgment.

I believe it’s right to have a life for yourself. Self-sacrifice is only okay up to a point.

I believe it’s wrong for your mother to abuse you and everyone else. I believe it’s wrong for her to expect others to rearrange their lives so she can die at home, which probably won’t happen anyway and is a dumb idea to begin with, I also believe it’s wrong for sister to stand in the way of what is best for all concerned.

Find a nice AL and take sister there to see how nice they are. They’ll probably even provide a free lunch.

Hi IsitWrong - perhaps your sister has the wrong image of Assisted Living and needs to re-frame her mindset It affords your mom an opportunity to be social with others, engage in activities, and have access to professionals on the premises for medical needs, if need be. It sounds like the only plus for your mother to continue living in her house indefinitely is the familiarity of it, but she may wind up being happier elsewhere.

You can tell your sister that maybe your mother wouldn't have the time to send mean texts and mean calls because she'd be too busy living a better life in AL!

Ok well, you don’t have to drop everything and go run over there (except for something like ac on a hot day).

You are choosing to drop everything and go run over there.

Maybe stop being so reliable and so competent.

Thank you!

Hello. Where is "sister" in the caring for mom. I agree that if you are the one that has to do everything and sister is absent, then you get to make the decision. Sister doesn't get a vote.

I had my mom in my house. Mean most of the time to me. I just got her into an AL and she hasn't stopped being mean and demanding. Even in an AL they will continue their rant. It just is a little easier not having it under my roof.