How do I cope and accept the guilt I feel?

A few weeks is not enough time to adjust and most make the mistake of not staying away for a few weeks to let the person acclimate to their new home.

Making everything more difficult, time to back off for your own wellbeing.

Time to rethink everything as she is safe and in a nice place, if anything serious happens they will call you.

Being a helicopter child is not the right thing to do, does not help either of you.

Let her make friends and settle in.

Just, it's only natural to be feeling guilt. If you dropped your mom off and didn't feel a thing? Now that would be unusual. You will adjust. Your mom probably will too. But if she doesn't don't take that as a sign you did something wrong. A 94 year old person isn't going to easily adjust to a big change, good or bad. But give it some time.

Things will improve.

It takes a while to adjust. My mom, at 79 with mild/moderate dementia still doesn't like her AL and makes comments from time to time. I ignore them or make a vague response. Your mom's behavior might not improve, unfortunately. Take a few days off from talking to her. Either go away or pretend you're going away and don't see or talk to her for a few days. Maybe that will help her adjust better. It's not easy but it's necessary.

I have battled guilt. I placed my mom in May of 2022 and she passed in November. I did bring her to my home the last few days of her life. I have tortured myself over the decision and if my placing made her deteriorate faster. She was not happy (did adjust some) but my health, and my husbands health, were at risk. My mom would have really been lost had something happened to me. I lost my hearing (recovered it) and my husband was in the hospital twice in 3 months with heart issues.

I am learning, through counseling, that I simply will never know what would have happened had she stayed in my home. She could have fallen, something much more severe could have taken place and she may have had the same exact outcome. Choosing to keep her at home does not automatically mean an easier path.

This disease has more victims than just the afflicted. It touches everyone around and leaves so much heartache and second guessing.

But…I did the best I could do with the information I had at the time. I did not have the advantage of the knowledge I have now. My life has recovered, my health is better and my marriage is solid.

Making yourself a priority seems counter intuitive but YOU are worth it. You need to balance your mom’s needs with your own. Give it time.

Accept that this wonderful place is "different" for her and she really wants familiarity. Help her by arranging her place into some semblance of home: bring in familiar pictures, bed linens (blankets, pillows, etc), familiar room scents, favorite activities... In addition, realize it will take time for this place and their routines to feel like home. Visit often, but make sure that you don't spend your whole day with her - she needs to get used to you being away a bit.

Spend time building new activities and routines into your own life. Find people who nurture you - members of your faith community, join a support group that meets in person, or indulge in a hobby/work/interest that involves others. These friends can help balance the input you are currently getting from your mom.

When people with dementia want to go "home" it can be a symbolic statement. They want to go back to a time when they were independent and could do things for themselves. It's a big adjustment to move to an assisted living/memory care facility. Suddenly your mom has to follow someone else's schedule, eat when they are serving foods, do things when they are scheduled, such as take medications, can't go out when she might want to, and has to get to know the many new people around. Also, think about how difficult it must be to get accustomed even to a different path to the bathroom, dining hall, activities, etc. People with dementia also don't always understand the situation clearly. They may think they can do all the things they used to or want to do (my mother was like that, she didn't have understanding about her own limitations). She's in a safe place with skilled staff, especially if she is in a memory care facility. People with dementia go through stages. She'll eventually get used to where she is (and may even forget her old home). Remember that her condition is likely to decline over time. Be realistic about what you can do for her. Keep visiting as much as you can, tell her you love her constantly. Keep saying that she is in a safe place where people will care for her. When you visit, make the visits quality time focussed on her. All the best to you both.

Ditto to these helpful comments. We all experience the guilt of placing our loved ones, questioning whether we did the right thing, and feeling the guilt over blames, accusations, etc, etc. After nearly 4 years of this I am finally feeling less guilt & anxiety. Family has helped, staying busy, and taking care of myself are #1 priorities. I’ve tapered off talking to my mom as much, maybe once a week, but if she starts in with her negativity and blaming, the conversation is cut short. She is in good hands, has her own belongings and furnishings, and has wonderful care. For that, I have less guilt. Take care of you and don’t stress so much over your mom. You did the right things! Hugs.

Your mother might or might not ever "adjust" to AL, if that means being happy about being there. You may be the one who needs to accept the reality that you can no longer safely take care of her at home. It does not matter whether it's the physical or the emotional burden that is too great. You cannot manage her care safely at home, so she needs to be where there is more supervision. Do not argue with yourself or your mother about why this is necessary. When you are confident about why AI is necessary, you will feel less guilt.

Until you accept that this is how it needs to be, you will

You should not feel guilt, she couldn't live alone safely. You placed her somewhere where her needs can be met, and she is in a safe environment. You didn't take away her independence, old age did that and you can't change that.

My 91-year-old mother is in a SNF and is doing better than she was at home. It took a while (around 6 weeks) but once she realized almost everything, she asked for was provided, she could do crafts and socialize, she started to enjoy living there.

As others have mentioned, don't visit for a while and let her adjust. If anything happens, you will get a call.

Grandma1954 July 29, 2023 9:31 am
Justalady,
A few weeks for someone with dementia is not a long time. Actually for anyone adjusting to a new location, new routine, new people it is not long.
Remember starting a new job, or going to a new school? It takes a while to get to know people and get to know your way around. Not to mention that people still have cliques that they "hang" with. some welcome new comers, some don't. (remember (((shudder))) high school? )
Ask if they have an "Ambassador" a longtime resident that will take them under their wing and help them find activities, or often there is an activities director that can encourage her.

Things will improve give her time.
If you are there all the time trying to keep her company you might want to back off so she has to depend on residents.