Should I be the one who gets my dad dressed?

I’m going to you a little advice that I wish somebody had given me when I was your age.

You did not make vows before God in commitment to your parents to support them in sickness & in health till death do you part. You were once their child, and as such they were legally obligated to provide you with care. Now you’re an adult, a young man, with full legal & independent agency. Your obligations & responsibilities are what you choose them to be.

Do not let anyone - family, friends, medical “professionals”, acquaintances, etc bully or shame you into doing things you are uncomfortable with. Your parents path into aging & health decline is *their* path based on *their* choices. When they choose to make their path your responsibility, they are being unfair & very shortsighted.

You are only 27 years old & in the prime of your life. You deserve the opportunity to live your life fully. Don’t allow others (even your parents) to deprive you of your potential.

I call myself a “forced family caregiver”. I spent my prime years caring for my ailing parents believing it was the right & moral thing to do. It’s not. I sacrificed my life for my parents comfort. While I don’t regret caring for my mother that lost her battle with cancer 8 years ago, I completely regret being my father’s caregiver. No father should ever force his daughter into cleaning his literal feces, several times a day, for years on end.

I had an education, a career, my own home. And I traded it all to clean my father’s feces & to be yelled at for not doing it “right”.

I should have gotten married & had a family of my own. Instead I gave into my parents demands to take care of them. I now face financial ruin … never mind the emotional abuse & PTSD. Now I’m too old.

You are just beginning this journey. It only gets worse from here. Please value your life, even when others do not. If your parents are not able or willing to respect your boundaries, then it’s best to move onward & upward. You can do it! It won’t be easy. But you will so much happier living your best life.

I can’t imagine asking my daughters to help with these things.

As far as your parents helping you, that was their responsibility as parents to care for you.

You don’t owe your parents anything in exchange for caring for you. You didn’t ask to be born.

You told your mom how you felt. Sadly, she didn’t want to hear what you said. That’s her problem. Not yours.

Tell her again that you are not willing to be your dad’s caregiver. You deserve to be living your own life.

Are you still living at home? Is it possible for you to move if you are still at home?

Wishing you all the best in life.

OP please listen to Invisible’s (down below) very wise words. All of what she wrote.

And this sentence she wrote:
“Please value your life, even when others do not.”

You are NOT in the wrong for feeling the way you do. It's time to set some boundaries now before it's too late.
You need to just tell your mum that from here on out you WILL NOT be dressing or undressing your dad as you're just not comfortable doing so. Period, end of sentence.
If your mum can't do it then she'll have to hire an aide to come in the morning and evening to help him.
Or perhaps your dad needs to go back into rehab until he can learn to do it himself.
Stick to your guns girl and don't let your parents guilt you into doing anything you're not comfortable doing.

You’re absolutely not in the wrong for how you feel. I did some of this for my parents, but I certainly wasn’t in my 20’s at the time. Caregiving is not a tit-for-tat, you don’t provide help because help was done for you. Parents are supposed to raise children to be independent and not expect care simply because they did it as parents. Tell your parents exactly what care you’re comfortable being of help with and do nothing more. Who helps is theirs to figure out, it’s not your responsibility in any way

It’s not anyone’s right to say how you Should feel. It is how you DO feel.
What does your mom do for dad?
Did dad go to rehab?
Do you live with your parents? Will you be going to work soon? What will mom do then?

’What your dad did for you was his decision. What you do for him should be your decision. Set a limit and stick with it.
Try to get into therapy to help you sort out your life and get a plan to move forward.

You’re not wrong at all. Your dad and mom should have made plans for this stage in their lives. It shouldn’t be you.

The OP just finished his own cancer treatments and physio. They have mobility issues. Clearly they have enough on their own plate and it is perfectly OK that they are unable to assist dad with what he needs. The parents need in home care or the father may have to go to a facility. It's just the way it is. Life sucks. More so for survivors of strokes.

You’re not comfortable doing it .
Don’t do it . Mom does it or hires help .

You don’t mention how your father feels about it , I bet he isn’t happy either .

1. Of course it’s not your responsibility. You’re not married to your dad. She is. Those (like your mom, and my mom) who want to dump THEIR responsibility on others (like on you and I), will ALWAYS find an excuse why YOU should be it.

2. When listening to someone’s criticism, always first consider what’s the source? Is it a reliable source? Does the critic (that’s the source) have something to gain in saying what they’re saying to you? Yes! If you’re it, it means she’s not it. She can sit back with her feet up, while you do the work.

3. I repeat, you didn’t marry your dad. It’s nice you’re helping, but it’s NOT your obligation. And you decide if you want to QUIT (I’m quitting).

4. You have a financial problem, OP. That is the problem of many adult children caregivers. You’re living with your parents, you don’t have a job, you’re FINANCIALLY DEPENDENT on your parents. This gives too much power to your mother. Please find a way to be financially independent. And move out.

5. Get POA for your parents. Start setting up hired in-home care, if you can. You need someone to replace you.