My mother was abusive to me as a child. Now she has dementia and is abusive, what do I do? I am terrible at redirecting, I'm afraid.

"honoring your parents"

What does thay mean to you?

Gwin, have her checked for a UTI. They can cause this type of behavior in seniors.

Since mom moved to an entirely different state, into an AL she is probably reeling from all the changes. Dementia is often made worse with moves.

Remember that you matter too.

Are you helping her go to activities, meals, meet new people? I recommend having every visit be a get to know your new home and neighbors, find activities that you enjoy and NOT spend much time alone together.

I would not stay so long everyday either. Quite frankly, I don't know what people can talk about for hours a day and that could lead to frustration or attitude.

Another thing to be mindful of, is she in the right level of care? This can change pretty drastically and you need to be her advocate to ensure she is receiving the right level of care.

Best of luck, this sounds horrible for you and scary for her.

All of you who tell me to step away...she came here to assisted living in Georgia from Ohio to be closer to me. I'm the only one she has left. I would feel like a huge jerk bringing her down here to abandon her and leave her alone. Maybe the answer is to step away when she throws a fit. I can always come back. She never remembers doing it. Most of the time, she doesn't know who I am either...and this is going to deteriorate?!! ack. Also something I left out of my post, this situation is new. She has been in Georgia in assisted living for 2 weeks. I currently go to see her everyday and stay for 2-21/2 hours. Then she is tired. I could shorten my time with her, and/or go less often. However this is a brand new situation for her. She was previously living in her own home with caretakers, but the cost was prohibitive. I don't know. I feel what I'm currently doing is humane and kind. I don't want to be eaten up with guilt.

Please take care of yourself and leave when these episodes start.

The trauma you lived with growing up is not worth living this way.

Apply for medicaid and get her moved. You can visit when you choose. She is not going to change.

From Gwins bio

I am caring for my mother Marianne, who is 85 years old, living in assisted living with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, depression, hearing loss, incontinence, mobility problems, and urinary tract infection.

You can honor your parents by praying for them from afar.

Seek refuge at a friend's house until you are able to break free.

If you don't have a good suitcase, a trash bag can get you out of this bad environment, maybe seek safety in a shelter overnight...because that way you can access resources that can get you some immediate help if you have no income.

Sigh. I am so tired of the “I have to honor my parents because I’m a Christian.” And I say that as a Christian myself!

I have a friend who has taken abuse from her mother all her life. Because she had to honor her parents. Had to be the obedient daughter. So what if her mother slapped her around, told her she was fat (despite being a size 6) and told her she needed a nose job to fix her big ugly nose?

My friend is 51 and her mother has dementia. Mother has hit her hard enough to leave bruises. Accuses her of stealing money. Friend is so worn down and miserable. She has no self confidence and has resigned herself that she has to take her mother’s abuse. Because that’s what a good Christian daughter does. What a waste of one’s life!

Do you think God is happy to see you, His child, being hurt like this? Why do you feel obligated to be a punching bag for her? Don’t you matter too?

Honoring your parents does not in any stretch of Christianity mean that you have to put up with their abuse. Consult your clergy person.

Of course you're afraid of her! You've been repeatedly traumatized by your sister and your mother. They chose not to honor your spirit or the expression of God in you. But now you are an adult and have the power to leave the situation forever. Does God want you to live in an abusive situation? Never.

If you don't dump mom and everything that has to do with her, you are consigning yourself to a miserable life that may be shortened because you chose to subject yourself to the situation.

Matthew 11:28 says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." This is Jesus' invitation to rest.  It's about taking care of YOURSELF. It reminds a believer that rest comes through knowing Christ and walking with him. All other self-care practices follow from there.

Please take care of yourself first. Forget "honoring your parents." In this situation it's nothing but baloney.

Call Adult Protective Services and let them take care of mom. You have no obligation to do so.

I wish you luck and feel sadness that you've endured the difficulties that your mom and sister have heaped upon you.

(((Hug)))
Many forum members, especially daughters, are abused by their elderly moms, while they care for them. The moms were abusive against their daughters their whole lives, not just in old age.

In case it’s useful for you, take a look at this thread. Various ideas on that topic:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-did-you-heal-from-the-narcissistic-abuse-of-your-elderly-lo-478073.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�

Gwin
Your mom doesn’t know who you are yet you may be a trigger for her just as she is for you. Ask the staff if she is the same with them as she is you? If not, I would honor her by leaving her in peace.

If she is, then ask if they have a geriatric psychiatrist who could adjust her meds. What a relief for her and all in her care team if she could find some peace within herself.

Read a little about EMDR. It might offer you some relief from past traumas. Another way to honor your mom is to take care of her daughter … yourself. No doubt your mom had her own demons to have been such a horrific patent.

This is a tough situation, cause by all accounts due to her dementia this behavior is not her fault but given her past that is not exactly comforting.

I am not religious so cannot speak to that point. What I can say is you are no good to anyone if you do not take care of yourself.

Look towards the state, get your mother help, but reality is if you are afraid of your mother your probably are not providing quality care to begin with or sooner rather then later you will burnoo6 and the quality of care will lessen.

Look into placement options, if need be look into having her become a ward of state. If you cannot separate the past from the present with your mom then tbh you do not need nor should you be doing this. If people judge you and are Christian then they were not very good Christians to begin with.

Hi, Gwindollyn. I see from your profile that your mom is in assisted living. Good! Glad you’re not living with your abusive mom, now with dementia but sadly *still* abusive. 🙁

Can you limit your visits, leave when she starts getting abusive, maybe just check in by phone?

I would talk with your pastor or a wise spiritual person/counselor about what honoring a parent looks like in your unique situation. In my opinion, allowing someone who is ill to abuse me, isn’t honoring them.

Put her in a memory care. That is where she belongs. No one should be a caregiver to any person they've had an abusive history with. Never.

Being a Christian does not mean you have to be a martyr.
You do not have to sacrifice your lifestyle along with your mental and physical health to "honor" your abusive mother.

Put her into a memory care facility. You can honor her by being her advocate and making sure she is being well taken care of.