My daughter recently told me that I am always negative when I talk about her grandmother and that I needed to remember the thoughtful person that she really is or has been. She told me that grandma has always been her go to person and on telephone calls she is still the sweet person she knows and loves. She told me that I am the unhappy person. I cried and cried that my daughter attacked me and told me she didn’t want to hear negativity about her grandma. I now know I can’t vent to her about how I am feeling. Has anyone else had your children call you out and call you mean? She lives several hundred miles away and has not been around her grandmother for a couple of years. I am at a loss
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Your daughter doesn't want to hear all the negative things. She doesn't want to think of you and her grandmother in that way, she lacks the life experience and perhaps the empathy to be your partner in all of this. The solution is to draw back, to limit your discussions to light, superficial topics, to be "cheerful and stupid" as radio host Dr Joy Browne used to advise. Find somewhere else to vent - for me it was this forum.
No one needs people in their lives who can't handle anything real.
Someone who can only handle "cheerful and stupid" from me would be put out of my life. I don't have time for that kind of nonsense.
The younger generation today is ridiculous and it's the fault of their parents, school, and the other adults in their lives who were part of their upbringing.
They all have "triggers" today and they all think they were traumatized. I am the Generation X and people my age pretty much just dealt with life from the time were were kids. Myself, I was pretty much an adult from the age of maybe ten or eleven because my parents were kind useless.
I don't allow myself regrets.
My son wasn't babied or spoiled. Maybe a little bit by his bubbie.
He was brought up to be tough, self-reliant, and competent. Also moral, fair, and kind. He's a good kid my son, who can handle anything. No one has to be "cheerful and stupid" around him.
If the OP's relationship with her daughter has to be restricted to cheerful and stupid, they should go to therapy.
Venting from time to time is different than incessant complaining.
Everyone needs to 'talk about it' once in a while, and their family should listen.
Being incapable of conversation that is not complaining is different and that should just be ignored.
I'll listen to someone I care about vent if something is up and they need to talk.
I will not tolerate complaining though.
So now you know...your daughter is not the person to vent your frustrations to about her grandma.
That does not mean you don't get to vent...just choose your audience more wisely.
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I ask this because this reminds me of a conversation I had with my daughter when I was caregiver for my mom (living in my home). It was during Covid, my daughter was home from college doing her classes online. Everyone was stressed out to begin with; my daughter and I were taking a walk one afternoon, and I was complaining about my mom (her grandmother). I remember her getting aggravated with me, and saying to me "mom, I can't be your therapist."
Boy, it hurt. My daughter suffers from anxiety and depression, I have been her sounding board since she was diagnosed in High School. I have done the late night cry-fests, the talking off the ledge scenes, the keeping her from spiraling out of control, the trips back and forth from doctor to therapist, the medication guessing-games. You name it. I have never said to her (although I have often been tempted) "Hey, E., you need to talk to your psychiatrist/therapist about this" even though there were times when she was in the midst of an "episode" I was terrified to say or do the wrong thing.
When I got over my hurt feelings, I realized it wasn't about her "being my therapist"; it wasn't even about her close relationship with my mom.
I think when you're the "fixer" in the family - and I'm generally the one my kids reach out to when they are having a rough time with things, regardless of what those things are - I think it's hard for those people to see YOU in the role of "needing" someone.
The safety and security for a child - regardless of that child's age - I think shatters when they see their parent(s) needing help rather than giving help. I really think that's when a child actually becomes an adult - when they come to the horrid realization that mom and/or dad CAN'T fix everything of their own accord and might possibly need someone else's help. It's scary. And when people are scared, the impulse is fight or flight. That might be the reason your daughter "attacked" you. Not from anger, or disappointment, or loyalty to grandma; she's just terrified that this is something that mom can't fix, and she knows it.
I realize that this doesn't make the hurt any less, and I am sorry this happened. But maybe a different perspective might make the hurt a little less.
(((hugs)))
Me, I do not share much about what is happening with my mother & stepmother, people do not want to hear it and personally, talking about it is depressing to me as well.
I adored my grandparents, I lived with them for 7 years as a child. My mother, well that was another story, so sometimes it is just the pecking order of life, she is favored and has been treated differently.
Your daughter is living in her little girl fantasy world, you will not change her attitude.
Move on find a new someone to vent to, don't discuss your mother to her, if she brings her up, just say "I do not want to talk about her".
I am sorry that you are having to deal with this.
As her caregiver, I was stuck in the middle, not wanting to grouse to my kids as I knew how it felt to hear my own grandmother, aunts and uncles being trashed.
I am fortunate to have very patient friends and an extremely supportive husband.
1) When a parent uses a child as a therapist?
Emotional parentification happens when the child becomes the parents' counselor, confidant, or emotional caretaker. Sometimes, this involves a form of 'Emotional Incest', where the child is being treated as an intimate partner to the parent.
2) What does a parentified child look like?
A parentified child does not develop a clear sense of their own needs and feelings. As an adult, they may find it hard to trust others, manage their own emotions, and form healthy intimate relationships. They face a greater risk of anxiety, depression, substance use disorders, and eating disorders.
Your daughter attacked you? Perhaps you should've sought the help of a professional therapist or social worker to vent your frustrations and hurts about your mother.
I would apologize to your daughter and tell her that your fatigue and your own issues with your mother made you inappropriately abusing her.
Seek help. Don't be your daughter's child.
It's a tough thing to step back and see your part in this.
That said, you said something similar to a conversation I had with my father where I told him I couldn’t be his therapist, nor he mine. I no longer have the capacity for it and he loses it if I talk about my situation.
I’m not even sure I can be his caregiver anymore.
My Mom was in an AL and then LTC. I found I had more freedom when she was in LTC. I was no longer responsible for finding Depends on sale. No longer responsible for paying that monthly rent (Mom was on Medicaid and I allowed the facility to become her payee). Her toiletries were provided. I stopped doing her laundry. Mom was in the last stage of her Dementia, so I visited every other day. She was safe and well cared for.
You are retiring, great. New chapter of your life. Its time for yourself. Mom is in care so now u have the ability to do anything you want. You answer to no one. Mom is Mom and at this point no changing her. You do what you want when you want. Don't want to take that call from Mom don't. Want to go on vacation for a week, do it. Your free!
That being said, as an adult - I also think your daughter should be capable of seeing more than just her side of things. YES, your mother may have been an angel for her - but she knows - or should know - how the real world works. And that means that not everything is as it seems. That a person can treat Person A one way and Person B a completely different way. And that YOUR experience is just as valid and real as hers.
That being said, I don't know anything about your daughter, so I'll tread lightly here. I have two daughters. One is VERY empathetic. She feels and see things before almost anyone. She is very sensitive to other people and almost never assumes she knows another person's truth or reality (and even SHE abandoned FIL. though she was the last one to do so). My other daughter, I love her to bits, but she is the complete opposite. She loves fully and if she loves you she will go to jail for you. But don't ever get on her bad sad. You don't stand a chance of getting back on her good side. And she loves me. I know she does lol. But she loves me a lot more when I agree with her. And she is the queen of the silent treatment if she thinks she has been wronged - even by me.
Why do I say that? Sometimes it is very easy for us to see things from our own perspective and get really rooted in that. She may only be able to see things from her perspective. Has she ever SEEN how your mother treats you? Has your mother ever treated HER the way she treats you? Is she trying to preserve her image of her grandmother? It is ESPECIALLY easy for someone who has not set their eyes on someone in decline to picture them as they last saw them. (We deal with this with FIL's sister who has not seen him in 10 years...still imagines him walking and driving - the man is now bedbound in diapers (ACTUAL diapers - these are NOT incontinence underwear) and he fills her head with all kinds of lies about what he is capable of that he has not been capable of in years) She will argue us into the ground about what we should be doing with and for him because she is in straight up denial.
I wish you the best. I agree with you. Venting to her is a dead end. We went to FIL's sister hoping for an ally and found a FLYING MONKEY! It is better for all concerned if you find someone else to vent to and just take the situation for what it is unfortunately. I'm sad that you can't talk to her. My mom and I are caregiver warrior besties.
One is the woman that you have cared for for many years, now living in a facility. The one that you still care for and are an advocate for.
The other woman is the one that your daughter talks to on occasion. One that she has minimal contact with. One that she does not have to deal with on a daily basis.
It sounds like the woman that your daughter talks to can "hold it together" for a little while. And is the "sweet grandma" that she has always known. Maybe getting a little "ditzy" in her older age but still grandma.
The one that you deal with is the one that knows you, trusts you and she feels that she can be herself and she does not have to "hold it together". And she is the one that you have to still get to appointments, still have to care for to some degree.
When you want to vent, when you want to get your frustrations out your daughter does not want the reality of the "two" women.
Journal if you can. Write a diary of the things that happened. Get your frustrations out. One day your daughter may want to read what happened. (Maybe when she is caring for you the journals might come in handy.😉)
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