I'm ready to move out and live with my boyfriend of 4 years, but my mom is wheel chair bounded by a stroke she had that messed her up.

It sounds like Mom/Grandmother needs new care & living arrangements.

Is she capable to make her own lifestyle decisions & care arrangments?

Requires 'assisted decision' making? Or an Attorney/Guardian to make these decisions for her?

Maybe a medical review could start with a needs assessment & go from there.

If she is on Hospice care she can go to the Skilled Nursing Facility and Hospice can come In there . Just check the reviews on YELP and also Propublica Has reports on Nursing Home abuse that's reported to medicare . I found both My brother and mother good Nursing Homes and Hospice Nurses went to both . Go Live your Life and visit her . You are Burnt out .

Those who know me, know that I'm totally against any young person being saddled with the responsibility of taking care of elderly people and severely ill people while losing their best years. These are the times for building your life, working, finishing school or trade school, getting married and such. These elders have had their lives.

If this is your grandmother, her children need to step up and do their part. I don't get involved with my brother and sister's care since they are both in their eighties and they have kids that can help. I had my share of caring for my mom and my younger sister. I watched all of my friends marry and move on after my divorce, and I ended up back home for a spell. It was like watching my life pass me by. I did manage to stick college in the mix along with getting a couple of jobs, but I would have made better choices if I did not have the burden of caretaking. Everything I did at that point felt like a race to catch up like I was rushed to make life's decisions on a dime. On top of that, I had a kid I was raising.

I know that you love your grandma, and nothing hurts more than the false guilt like you are leaving your loved one behind. You are doing your part. There are some good assisted living places and long term care facilities. Trust me, once you step out, someone else will take over. My sister's teacher told me this years ago, and it was the truth. My sister had better care than what I could ever provide even though she had the help of a home health aide that my mom had set up before she died. I was needed to get my sister from point A to point B. My sister learned to feed herself and those teachers worked to get her to re-learn those life's skills. My sister had a life. Now, had I continued with the original plan of keeping her home, she would never had experienced with God had in store for her. She got baptized, traveled, attended school and generally had a life. While at home, she just experienced the four walls of her bedroom and the company of the home health aide during the time I was working.

Pamzi here,, is it your Mom or your Grandmother? I am a bit confused. You need to be able to live your life and if it is your Gma, then her children need to step up. I am a wondering about your Aunt as well? She should be close to your Moms age ( if your mom is who you are caring for as your post says) and she is going to college to be a teacher and has young children ? I do understand her position that is alot on her plate,

Your profile says this is your grandmother. I will assume she raised you so feel some responsibility. Its really your Aunts responsibilty to find options for Mom. If Hospice has been in the picture it must have been felt she was dying within 6 months. You have a right to a life just like the daughter.

You need to talk to Grandma's children. Tell them you will be moving out and in with your boyfriend. That u will be getting married in Oct. Tell them that someone needs to make a decision concerning grandma's care. You will no longer be able to do it. If none of them can bring her into their home, then she will need to go to Long-term care. Medicaid will pay if she does not have the money. This is all up to one of them. If they do not want to do this, then u will need to call APS and tell them the situation.

IMO a grandchild should not be responsible for the care of a Grandparent when there are Children in the picture. The Children don't need to do the care but they should find it.

I agree to move on with your life and not feel guilty about it. Grief, yes. Guilt, no.

Is she able to make her own decisions rationally? Sort of sounds like she is, based on what you wrote.

If this is the case then she can choose to stay in her current residence and get help from the county, or transition to a facility where she'll get social exposure and all the help she needs.

You aren't responsible for her happiness. Work on finding your own.

I don't understand why you and mom haven't dealt with the roach infestation. You need to do something about it. Living in such conditions is not healthful.

It is time for you to be first in your own life. You're making progress toward that, so good for you.

If mom had hospice care, she must be at end of life, and usually when in hospice, the patient isn't expected to live more than six months. I'm assuming she'd still qualify, so maybe you could contact hospice and ask if there are hospice facilities where she can live. If not, call your local council on aging, or adult protective services, or any other agency that cares for or protects elders. Tell them and mom that you're moving out and can't care for mom anymore.

Then get out of there.

Of course she declines a nursing home. She has you to do it all for her! Her options now or NH or alone. She cannot live alone or without help, so there's no other option but a NH. Start getting plans to move her into an NH. Lots of people on here have been through this and can help on how to get her placed.

Are you the one planning her care? If so you cannot just leave her without some plan in place.