Too many doctor visits.

7/26/23
From: ElizabethAR37

My spouse (93) and I (86) make as few doctor visits as possible--maybe even fewer than we "should". Our PCP always wants to make a referral to one specialist or another. Why, when we are unwilling to endure invasive tests, procedures or surgeries? We are very much aware that there is no miracle "cure" for being 93 and 86. We are going to shuffle off this mortal coil at some time in the not-too-distant future; that simply is going to happen. Living to 140 is not on our wish list. Personally, I just don't want to suffer at EOL.

If at all possible, I prefer not to collude with the medical industrial complex or accede to over-treatment. I'm not convinced that they always have an older adult's best interest or quality of life (v. quantity) in mind. After all, they get paid based on coded tests and procedures. To be clear, most practitioners aren't the problem. "Corporate medicine", insurance companies, middlemen and the fee-for-service system are, IMO.

Now that I (voluntarily) try to avoid driving on the freeway--it's way too crazy out there these days--or at night, finding reliable transportation if we need services away from our local area is a challenge. We do not intend to burden our adult children with this task unless it's absolutely essential.

When I got to this rant - overload -overwhelmed stage & found a councellor, I was asked to consider;

1. Write it all down.
All the tasks I was performing with or for my LO.

2. Then go de-stress. Take a walk, a warm bath, treat myself to a coffee out somewhere.

3. After moving from react & rant mode, get curious. Start asking myself WHYS? Why is this so stressfull? What do I feel? Is this resentment? Why?

It was pointed out to me that resentment was a normal reaction to giving too much.

I am soon entering year 3 of being MPOA for my sister with vascular dementia...this is the year we begin cutting dr. appts in half, and cutting meds to a minimum (already eliminated 4 of 14).
All practitioners agree she is not a good candidate for any surgery, or extreme treatments to extend her life....so why all the medical surveillance?
If she had symptoms/discomfort/sudden decline in health I would not hesitate to seek treatment for comfort sake.
As it is, her physical health is more stable than my own. 10 routine wellness visits (plus lab appts.) a year is just too much.

Hello WearyJanie...I hear you!
I think it's ridiculous how predatory the healthcare industry is with our elders. They seem to assume their elderly patients (and their advocates) will accept without question as many tests and "follow up" appointments as they deem necessary. I agree... it is out of control.
And if you question any of it, including any of the medications they want to keep them on so they can all live to be 140 years old, they get rather huffy.
Seems like a pretty good scam to me.

I'm in this boat only with my own mom.
Hi all, new to the site but glad to find it.

"I need to get this checked, I need to get that checked," and when she does they'll say, "Yes Mrs. So&So, just like last time we told you to watch your salt intake, not lay in bed so long, and this will improve." But because it's not just going away they're 'not helping' her.

Or if she finds a doctor and doesn't like what she hears, "I gotta find a new doctor he said x,y,z."

She's a frail 90 year old and the other day she told me, "I got to schedule a colonoscopy it's been a while."
No.
No you don't.

When she hears the phrase, "Let's refer you to this specialist," it's like a Christmas gift has been handed to her.

I told her finally that ok, if there is something really bad going on we'll go, but if it's, "I just want to talk to the doctor about...." then it's video visit time. She doesnt' like that and throws a scream down tantrum, but that's that.

HI Beatty, I'm glad you're no longer a slave to your relatives (sisters?). Just wondering how/what exactly you broke the news to them that you resigned from your Cinderella's post, and how they took it.

I think it would be very helpful to other posters who really want to break free and unsure how to do it.

My father would go to the same doctor TWICE in one day. Each time requiring me to take off of work to take him. I fell for it twice then put my foot down. These were social engagements for my father...and at the expense of my livelihood.

Years later when he was in AL he broke his dentures. I was led to believe they required him to get implants to replace them so I had to take him to an oral surgeon. After I saw all that was involved I asked if it was really necessary for a 90+ year old man and they said no, they just wanted me to see all the options. Options that required me to again miss work taking him to more doctors.

I was thinking the same thing but didn't want to post my thoughts on this because I did not want to be rude. When is enough enough? You can't cheat death and frankly 90 is a good run, we should all be so lucky.

My feeling about it is if you need someone else's assistance to accomplish any of these appointments to keep you living longer, it is enough.

Further on the *resentment* topic.

I now think of it as a seed.
A seed that can grow into anger.
Anger is energy. Can spill out at our family, our spouse, everywhere. Or we can try to harness it & use this energy TOWARDS CHANGE.

Once I made my list of all the stuff I was doing, I got real mad. Felt really used. By everyone else who was happy to let me carry on, that my time was not important to them.

Now I think no-one knew what else to do..

So there I was, the little frog in the heating pot.. no-one interested to turn the heat down, just up up up.

I had to get the strength to jump out myself!

It took me ages to sort this all out by the way, but I did. You can too!

It was a steep learning curve.

Like Snakes & Ladders, a few snakes there to slide back down.. so I learnt: gotta watch for snakes!

I started with my own list, a sort of 'needs assessment' list. All the tasks, chores, errands, appointments, duties. Then wrote names next to each one. Two of us (third was out) - me doing a bit more than a mouse's amount, the other the lion's.

Basically when you saw the list, it's obvious that LO was no longer independant. Required so much help for ADLs + IADLs. Home Care was involved by then (ooh a hard won battle there..) but a Manager was needed to run it all. Run an *assisted living for one*.

As Weary found, Uber/Taxi wasn't suitable for appointments. More help with mobility than a driver could be expected to do plus more help with communication than an Aide would be expected really.

So basically LO not independant for appointments.

So I kept medical appointments.
But got out a coloured pen & crossed my name off all other tasks.

I stated that all my other tasks must now get a NEW solution. I found various agencies & supports, made numerous suggestions for these. Some taken up, some not.

Then I had to get HARD. Phone calls.. just this once.. could you.. No.

Medical appointments: Doctor. Dentist. Podiatrist. Specialist after Specialist after Specialist. Hairdresser.. One week blew out to near daily appointments!

Some appointments made to fit around my life, some not.

Appointment + post office or shops + clean up at home..

Get the picture?

Mission Creep again!!
Being taken advantage of again.

So next chat was "This is WAY TOO MUCH. It is no longer reasonable. You will need to find another solution. Starting asap.

I arranged a liason with a Social Worker to go over a Needs Assessment & make recommendations. I arranged an OT home safety check. I arranged a Dr review. All agreed: Supported Accom was required.